Wednesday, December 31, 2008

ready or not

So many thoughts are going through my mind, so many things I could write.

I guess I'll start with Christmas and say that this year's was the BEST ever. Of course I say that every year and it is true. Even though my little sister Trinity got RSV and could not go to any of the Christmas functions. Also, my parents got sick Christmas day and have been since then. Still, this was an amazing Christmas, and as always my favorite was giving presents to my family. I love the whole process; the shopping, thinking, wrapping, but most of all seeing their faces. My favorite present was probably a comforter set:

Isn't it cute? My mom has very good taste, and it is soooo soft, which is very important.

I am looking forward to the New Year and what it will bring. This year has gone by so fast, and at the same time seems like forever since it started. I feel like a totally different person than I was at the start of 2008. I think that I have grown in my faith, and have definitely had some character building. I do not feel old, yet neither do I feel young. I look at my younger siblings and remember being there, and wonder how I could have acted the way they do.
I feel content, which is a new thing for me. Ever since I graduated I have felt impatient and confused about what I was supposed to do next. Just within the last few days I have felt this sense of peace and joy. Nothing has changed in the physical sense and the fact that I still don't have any plans, but I have this feeling that it really does not matter. Like having a plan is not what is really important. What is important is trusting that God has a plan, and that I am right in the middle of His plan. Because He does not make any mistakes, and I am not here by accident.
Right now I feel free, like I could do anything. I know that doubts will come, but one of my New Year's resolutions is to not think about it. To just keep following God and not let the fear of man, or pride influence the decisions I make.

I do have some New Year's resolutions.....but I think I'll wait until it is actually 2009, seems more fitting lol. I hope that everyone has a wonder New Year's, and remembers that God is God, no matter what is going on in your life. Love ya!

be free

I’m waking up
The world is turning
The sun is shining again
I’m holding on
To things I shouldn’t
It’s time to let them go
I’ve been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn’t speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

And I can hear You say
It’s a brand new day
The pain goes away I’m headed for the door
And I’m going home I’m going home I’m going home I’m going home

Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I’m blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me I’m
So much more

When I’ve been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn’t speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

Thursday, December 18, 2008

'Tis the season......of what?

I am not in a Christmas spirit.

I do not know why.

It is really bugging me.

Now, it might have something to do with the fact that I have been sick the last three days, and today I was in bed all day. Or maybe I am just in a funk, and will feel differently tomorrow or the next day. It might be that as I am getting older I thinking about things in a different way, and my thoughts are all saying what is Christmas really about?
I know all the cliche's, about it being about Christ's birth and celebrating His coming. That it is the season of giving and showing love to others.
But what does that really mean? What does that have to do with all the baking, decorations, presents, trees, and weird Christmas sweaters?
Why is it such a big deal? Personally I think Easter is a bigger holiday than Christmas, it actually celebrates what Christianity is all about; the salvation of all mankind.

Maybe I'm just a scrooge, and will dream about ghosts tonight.

Christmas is my favorite holiday, just to be clear. I just think that it gets glamorized a lot of the time. All the focus is on the glitter and lights, and the little baby in the barn gets ignored. My challenge to you is to remember how CHRISTmas became a holiday in the first place, and not get swept away by the Hollywood-ness of it all.

"Dear Jesus,
Happy Birthday! Thank you for coming as a little child and showing us how big Your love is for us, and how small we are. I am sorry for getting caught up in the 'magic' of Christmas and forgetting about the miracle that is You. I love You."

be free

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Take a Breath or Two

Do you ever feel like you are going through life at the speed of a rocket? I am sure that everyone does, because I sure do. I feel like life is passing me by so fast that I can't possibly be experiencing it all. SLOW DOWN!!! Seriously, I am the kind of girl who likes to savor things, I like to think about it and anticipate it. I hate the end of things; end of vacation, end of Christmas, end of basketball, end of You Grow, end of another year of life. That one is really depressing, to think that 19 years of my life have already passed, and I can never be any of those ages ever again.

I love Christmas!!! It is my favorite holiday, the only thing that I do not like is how fast it goes by. Do you realize that there is only two and a half weeks left until Christmas, and in less than a month it will be 2009??????? Unreal.

Today I feel like I am taking a deep breath before 'plunging' into the next two weeks. I think we have something going almost everyday, especially on the weekends. Crazy!!

I am also excited too, I like having something to do. Especially when that something is basketball! Even though it kills me every time to see those girls out there, without me. I still love it, and coaching isn't too bad lol. At least I get to yell at people :p.

Well, I hope that SOME people are happy.........and I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season!! Merry Christmas!!!!

be free

Thursday, November 27, 2008

A few of my favorite things......

~Happy Thanksgiving To All~

Here are some things that that I am thankful for in my life.........

*Jesus Christ

*Family (of course lol)

*Friends (I really do have amazing friends, I cannot imagine any better. Seriously)

*Crisp fall mornings

*Homemade lattes




*Concerts with friends

*Texas....the state, not the football team ;)

*My own room!!

*The color makes me happy

*Christmas music!!!

*Watching football

*My Ugg boots (they are sooooo comfortable)


* my room, don't worry :D

*Songs that express what I am feeling better than words I say

*Shopping....even though I don't have any money

*You Grow

*Steve (my car....don't worry)



be free

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

sound of my breaking heart

How is it that when I feel broken is when I feel God the most. You would think that broken is bad. When something breaks I am sad, sad that it is unusable and that I have lost that thing.
Not so with my heart. When my heart is broken is when I am the most usable. When myself is out of the way and I can hear God's voice.
It is amazing the view from a state of brokenness. A state where I know that I am not all that. It is when I am myself, when I am prideful and selfish, that I get in so much trouble. The choices I make in the things I do and say, are purely self motivated. There is nothing about them that is righteous, or holy.

I had a first last night, and I know that as I get older I will be having more and more of these. For the first time I wanted to go home, my real home. As I sat there listening, with so many thoughts going through my head, I wanted, for the first time, for Jesus to come back. Now I have thought that I would be okay with Jesus coming back for a long time, but have never actually wished it would happen right then. I felt this longing to go to heaven, I did not care about not doing great things with my life, or getting my first kiss, or leading millions to Jesus, or getting married, or going to Europe, or holding my children. I just wanted to go to heaven, where there is no tears, no misunderstandings, no one offending or being offended. Where I could just worship my Lord, and be in eternal fellowship with the people I love.

So........I am still waiting. For something. Anything. I have not had a job for two months, and to be honest it really stinks. I am having a hard time trusting that this is really God's will for me right now. I cannot see how this would fit into any plan for my life. Why am I just sitting here? Surely there is something that I could be doing. But what? People keep asking me what I am doing, and now that I do not have a job it feels like I am loser lol. I don't have anything to say really. I am not just sitting around, I have basketball practice twice a week plus games. I have Character First on Wednesdays, and I also work in the nursery. I have You Grow on Monday nights, and something going on almost every weekend. With the holidays coming up there will be endless get togethers with family and friends. Birthdays.....lots of birthdays. Still, with all this, I can't tell 'those people' anything besides my, "Mooching off my parents and trying to catch a man." I am serious though, there is no way I am going to be forced into doing something that is not God's will just because people think I should be going to college or getting another job. So there! :p

I have a head feels like it is filled with cotton. I have Character First tomorrow, yippee. My poor kids, (Character First kids lol), I may just let 'Mr. Ben' teach by himself :D.
I am going to take NyQuil, and try to write a few paragraphs. Ciao :)

be free

P.S. This is my new favorite song. It is A-mazing! It is by Tenth Avenue North, and I would highly recommend their new CD.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?

I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

Thursday, November 6, 2008


Sorry it has been so long, I really have been incredibly busy. Also, because of this paragraph job, by the time I get done with those I am tired of writing.
Some people have been on me about posting so I am, hope your happy :p

My thoughts have felt all jumbled up lately, which is another reason I have not posted. I usually have been thinking about something and feel like I have something to share. That has not been the case, I feel like I am being pulled a thousand diffent ways. I never think about the same thing twice. I have a hard enough time reading the bible and praying, much less 'being still' and listening for God's voice. I have so much going on, and so many problems I find myself worrying about over and over again. I have been thinking what is peace? Real peace, not just laying down at night and forcing myself to pray and give it all to God.
Does God give me peace? Or does it have something to do with me? Do I just need to accept it, or am I doing something that is preventing me from experienceing peace?
I can feel myself getting frustrated and sad thinking about this. What am I supposed to do? I want to do something. I know that God is with me, I can feel His presence, but I also feel like I have a wall of ice around my heart. That this wall is preventing me from feeling anything at all, I am just numb. Sometimes I think there is something to that whole bipolar thing, I swing from one emotion to the other so fast I am scaring myself.
The weird thing is I think that God is causing me to feel this way on purpose. I am supposed to learn something from this. What is the question. I honestly do not see what it is.
I keep hearing one word;


Not an easy thing for me, I will be the first to admit that I am a control freak. Not in a super obsessive way, but I definitly like to control the things I do and feel.

Please pray that I will just place everything at the foot of the cross, and remember that I do not have to go through things alone. I also know that God never gives us more then we can handle.

Be Free

He is my Light and my Salvation
Whom have I to fear
In His secret place I'll hide and pray
That I might hear a simple word

O, how I would have despaired
If You had not come found me there
I can lean against Your throne and find my Peace
Find my Peace

And when my enemies draw near
I pray that they will findCheck Spelling
That I'm protected and secure
All tempests He will bind with a mighty word

O, how I would have despaired
If You had not come found me there
I can lean against Your throne and find my Peace
Find my Peace

He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fear?

Peace by Jennifer Knapp

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Sunday, October 19, 2008


So, it has been a long time since I have posted........
I have been very busy, which is funny because I don't have a job and I'm not going to school lol. Well, I have a job now. I'm writing these paragraphs for google, and its harder than it sounds, I thought it was going to be super easy but I have really had to put some thought into it. I finished my first set of fifty this afternoon, and it felt really good, I also think it is helping improve my writing skills.

I am helping coach the Liberty girls basketball team and that has been really fun, our first games were last Thursday and Friday. It was really exciting, and frustrating at the same time, I wanted to be out there SO bad!!

I have You Grow every Monday night, and I am really enjoying it. It has helped me grow (lol ;) so much in the even the last few months. And I really like the breakouts, being able to discuss serious things with these girls, it is helping me see things in a new light.

And Character First, I really don't want to think about it right now because this Wednesday we (certain important people) have to be there at stinking 6:30 in the morning!!! I do not care what anyone says, but that is way to early to be somewhere. I'm going to have to get up at like 5 a.m. insane!!!! But I am looking forward to Character First actually starting, besides that :)

So yeah, thats my life right now, really busy but kinda not........whatever that means. I am happy, I like it. I was really depressed there for a while for some reason, but I got over it apparently. Life isn't perfect, but it is never boring and there is always something to look forward to. Peace out ya'll :p and be happy, people will like you more lol.

be free

No I cannot count the ways you have made my life so blessed
All I know is that you came and made beauty of my mess

You make me happy
You make me feel the way You do
You make me happy
I want to make you happy too
You make me happy
You make me feel the way I do
You make me happy
I wish the whole world knew you too
-Happy, Ayeisha Woods

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Longing for More

First, let me say that I had an amazing time in Texas! Everyone should just get away from it all, every once in a while, I feel like I've been gasping for air for so long, and I just now got a deep breath. I posted pics on Facebook if anyone wants to see.

Here are some things that have been on my mind;

1.the act or state of fulfilling: to witness the fulfillment of a dream; to achieve fulfillment of one's hopes.
2.the state or quality of being fulfilled; completion; realization: a vague plan that had no hope of fulfillment.

What does it really mean in this thing called life? What is really important? I am searching for something that doesn't exist. Trying to find my life purpose in a job, or school, or serving other ppl, or my family or friends. When it really doesn't matter, nothing does. Nothing except the fact that You love me, all of me, and that You accept me, every sinful, deceitful, prideful part of me. And even more than that You see me through the blood of Your son; Pure, White, Holy.

I've been reading thought the Gospel's and I think its interesting how the same stories can be told so many different ways........
The story of Jesus feeding the Five Thousand fascinates me, how did He do that? What did it look like? Could you actually see the bread rising in the basket? And the fish, were they the first clones? or did he actually create a whole new fish? With different DNA and everything?
What also amazes me is that in the very next chapter Jesus feeds four thousand, and when He tells the disciples to feed them they have the exact same response!! 'How are we going to find enough food to feed all these people?' I always feel like slapping them over the head, duh! Jesus JUST fed five thousand people, you would think that they would have just looked at Jesus and been like, 'Okay, here is the seven loaves...we'll just go over here and wait.' But no, they went into a panic, again.
And just paragraphs later they're in the boat and Jesus says watch out for the leaven of the Pharisees, and the disciples start freaking out saying that they forgot bread blah blah blah. Hello? Don't you think that if His own followers were hungry Jesus would feed them? I love how Jesus like gets mad, I wish I could think of things to say like that, 'Having eyes do you not see? And having ears do you not hear? Do you not understand?' Wow, I would have liked to see the disciples expressions after that lol.
But as I was thinking about that, I realized that the disciples were doubting. And doubting is the same thing as worrying about something. I once heard someone say that every time you worry its like telling God that He is not doing a good job with your life, and that you could do better.
How retarded is that? Me, telling the maker of the universe that He is doing a sucky job. I'm the idiot, I worry all the time; 'What is going to happen with this? and maybe I should do that, and I need to take care of that.' On and on, I prolly worry, on average, at least every hour.
So, I'm going to work on being content, and finding my purpose in Jesus Christ, not in the things that this world thinks are worthwhile. Pray for me.

be free

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough
-Let that be Enough, Switchfoot

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

worship is not enough

So many thoughts are going through my head, I do not even know where to begin.
I went on a journey last night, a very long one. I do not know if I can remember all of it, much less write it down here, but I will try.

I need God.

He does not need me.

I am aching, with every breath to hear His voice, but why would He talk to me? I wouldn't. I ignore Him, question Him, and doubt Him time after time.

I am nothing

He is everything.

Die to self; I have heard that so many times it comes out of my mouth automatically, die to self; easy right? right? NO! I have to die! Mirage Noel Boyd, human is dead. She is gone, along with her pride, anger, selfishness, jealousy, and lustful thoughts.

At this point I started feeling sorry for my-self, 'I am nothing, I need to die, I am such a bad person, why would anyone like me? blah, blah, blah.'

I don't know if I actually heard God speak, or if the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart but I heard it;
'Sweetheart, its not all about you'

It was at this point that I didn't have anything to say, no comebacks, no excuses, no examples of good things I had done. I saw my-self for what it really was; worthless, sinful, disgusting.
And I saw what God had done for me meet Mirage Noel Boyd, citizen of heaven, princess, pure, holy, righteous. And ONLY because Jesus lives in me, not because of anything I had done, anything I touch is defiled and unworthy.

The more I think about it the more overwhelmed I am, THE GOD, MAKER OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE LOVES ME, MADE ME, CARES ABOUT ME.


What have I done? What can I do?

Everything I can think of is too small, like giving a penny to Bill Gates.

But, here I am thinking about me again. It doesn't matter why, or how. God made me, loves me, and asks that I love Him. It can't get much more simple than that.

I feel empty now, almost hollow, like I don't know who I am anymore. How am supposed to act? Now that my-self is dead.

Searching; for answers.

Waiting; for truth.

Trusting; for wisdom.

Hoping; for things that will blow my mind.

be free

It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong

There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything – I surrender

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly
-Whatever You're doing by Sanctus Real

Monday, September 15, 2008


Okay, I have a question; Why does time seem to go by at different rates? How can some seconds seem like forever, and some weeks go by so fast?

I feel like that all the time, it has been two weeks since I posted, yet it feels like just a few days ago. But it also seem like it has been years since my life turned upside down, when in reality I have only felt that way about a month.
So, last week I helped teach the 12-15 yr old's at the Financial Fitness Seminar, I think it went very well. I had a small group of 5 girls, all were 13 & 14. I am finding out more and more that if you ask God He will give you words to say. There were so many times I would say something, and think; 'where did that come from? I didn't that, it is way too insightful.' Amazing, and as I was teaching these girls I learned so much not only through the material but the girls themselves! So cool, I am excited about teaching that age group again. It was also really fun just to hang out with them, both guys and girls, I have never interacted with that age group that much before. They're cool lol, even my own brother and sister :p.
For the last two Sundays we (my family and I) have gone to Frontier City, trying to get the most out of season passes. It has been a lot of fun, I love rides and doing them with family and friends just make it twice as fun :)
I'm thinking about going to the fair, I haven't been since I was 8 yrs old.......its just not been something my family did. We'll see, if I do I'll def post about it!

Sometimes I think that I couldn't be any happier, than others I wish everything was different. At this point I have no idea if I'm just 'being a girl' and letting my hormones run away, or if I really am depressed and need to take a break. I wish.............I didn't think so much lol, that's prolly my problem, I really do think too much.

And I want to take a break.....I'm thinking about going to my Aunt's house for a week or two at the end of this month, I hope it works out.

Just to reiterate (big word; means to say again :p) what I said in my last post, growing up is a let down MAJOR!!!!! My mom keeps telling me that this is the best time of my life, but I'm not seeing it so much yet. Maybe my expectations were too high as a kid, but being grown up looked really easy and fun then. Just goes to show you that the grass is NOT greener on the other side.

I am enjoying football, I forget every year how much I like it......even though I don't understand half of it, I mean what the the heck is an illegal shift? why not just say offsides? or false start? People just like to make things complicated, so they can sound smarter lol.

Going to You Grow tonight.....I'm excited, last year each night I was more blessed. I'm ready for some blessing, VERY ready.

be free

I want to fly
Into the sky
And turn my back on this old world
And leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It’s got nothing for me
Only leaves me with emptiness
And tears in my eyes

-Gravity, Shawn McDonald

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

don't know don't care

I'm depressed.
I've never been depressed like this before.
I don't like it.
And I'm not even sure why, I can't put my finger on any one thing.
Maybe its because I still have the same job, one I was supposed to leave 4 months ago. Maybe its because my mom, who is my best friend and who I talk to about everything, just had major surgery and won't be back as full time 'mom' for another month. Maybe its because I have so much responsibility as the oldest, I'm shopping, driving people places, making decisions, being asked endless questions ALL day, etc. Maybe its because I'm just realizing that another year has gone by without me making a serious decision about my future; college, career, ministry, etc. Or maybe I'm just in a funk.
Whatever it is, it sucks. And I wish I could do something about it, I wish I could do something with my life. I need to take a break, right now........before I break the keys on my laptop because I'm hitting them so hard.
GAH! Whats wrong with me?
I seriously have no reason to feel this way, not really. Especially when you put it in perspective.
I've heard so many times that when God seems far away its me that has moved, but sometimes it feels like that no matter how much I want to feel His presence, nothing works. I read, I pray, I worship, I meditate, I memorize, I go to church, I go to bible studies, I pray again. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Hello? Is ANYONE there?
But what am I thinking? God is here, I see Him everywhere, feel His presence, hear Him in other people, His word, and songs. I think Paul said that we are double minded, that is SO true. How else could you explain these feelings, thoughts, and emotions?
I need Jesus
I wish that it was easier
I like peace
I love people
I believe that Jesus loves me
I am tired of being two people
I have the best family and friends EVER

I hope that things will change
I remember that through the blackest night, morning DOES come
I love worshiping my Savior
I don't want to stay here
I strive to act on my words
I forget that only through Christ can I do anything
I try to relax, be less prideful
I think too much, that life is too complicated, and that I should probably just go to bed
I want a holiday, a fresh outlook, to worship for real
I will have devotions, open my eyes for new possibilities, accept advice gracefully

be free

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


I have had so many people tell me I looked sad the past week, and I've said no, that I was tired....etc.
But I think I am sad, and I don't know why, and that is really bothering me. I have no reason to be sad, God has blessed me SO much, yet when I really think about it, I do feel sad.

I am in a rut, just doing the same thing every day, and not trying to do anything about it.

What is wrong with me? I sound like an old person, or someone who has no hope. Yet, I am young, I have my whole life ahead of me, and with my Savior I can do anything.

So what is keeping me back?
Am I scared of the unknown, or that God will ask me to do something I don't want to?
Or am I just prideful, thinking 'I can figure it out by my-self'?
I don't know, but I don't like it.

In all of this I keep thinking, 'Where are You God? Why can't I hear Your voice? Or see Your plan?'

Maybe it is because I am not looking, or listening.........
I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with God is not what I want it to be.
I don't put Him first
I don't wait to hear His voice or see His plan
I just barge ahead with what I want, thinking in my own mind that I know what God wants, I'm just taking the initiative and doing it.

I can't go on like this, I do not want to end up a bitter, hypocritical church-goer.
I have to change

be free

I’m tired of putting one foot in front of the other
I’m weary of where it leads me to
I’m tired of moving on from my Father
Make me rest my head, take a breath or two

Simply stated simple minded love for You Has simply been completely complicated
And I’m finding this daily drudgery is finally catching up to me
It’s time for this abandon to make much of You and less of me
I want to breathe in
I want to breathe in and out again
-Jimmy Needham, A Breath or Two

Monday, August 18, 2008

Trinity Angeline

My Mom woke up Saturday morning with contractions and bleeding, so my Dad went ahead and took her to the hospital. When they got there the doctors checked everything, and while there wasn't anything wrong, Trinity's heart beat was too fast. So the Doctor said that my Mom was having a baby today, and they could try and induce, but because they didn't know what was wrong she recommended a c-section. So my Mom and Dad prayed about it, and said go ahead, Trinity was born around 1:15 Saturday August 16, 2008. She is doing well, and my Mom is much better, she was able to nurse yesterday and Trinity retained all of it. Mom should be home either Wednesday or Thursday, and the nurse said that Trinity can come home when she maintains her body temperature, and can suck, swallow, breathe. And she is doing the last three, so keep praying.

I got to hold her yesterday, she was so tiny! I was afraid I was going to crush her, she is such a miracle. She makes it all totally worth it! :) Please pray for me too, I am going to be 'mom' for the next several days, if not weeks. And I'm taking over the Wednesday meal for the next month. Thank you for all your prayer, and all the people who visited us, you are such a blessing!

be free


Monday, August 11, 2008

I just wasted 10 seconds of your time

Seriously, time is going by sooooooo fast. I was looking at my calender trying to figure out when I could go visit my Aunt, and I realized that I will not be able to until at least October. For crying out loud! Where has this year gone? School starts this week, I'm not ready for summer to end, it feels like it just started.

I feel like I keep harping on the same subjects.......time going by so fast, not knowing what to do with my life, waiting, waiting waiting. But nothing else is really going on, duh lol.

Since I don't have anything else to post; here are some poems that I wrote........they're pretty bad, so you know I'm really desperate :p


Help me stop clouding my mind
With things that don't matter
Your voice I can't find
Nothing is becoming clearer
I want to be in Your presence
But I keep thinking 'tomorrow'
I know I can't stay on the fence
But how do I get off of it?
Sometimes I feel so lost
I know You are there
Than I think about the cost
And I feel overwhelmed
I feel like one of those clouds
That cover up the sun, yet allow bits of light through
Make me less proud
That You may shine more brightly


I sit here pen in hand
Thinking, listening and
Questioning things I have
Always believed in
What is right or wrong
Why do I question where I belong
I am a sinner saved by grace
Jesus Christ took my place
Nailed to a cross forsaken and alone
Now, 2,000 years later I am lost
in the fake reality
Consumed by the skin of this world
Knowing in my heart what is real
But being deceived
Is not an excuse
I know what is the truth
The way and life
And He is the only way to Paradise


My life is not my own
I have given it to the
One who is the maker of it
Starbreather, Universe creator
I can feel Him all around me
Down to my very fingertips
How He could love someone like me
is a mystery
How He would make me a Princess
Is unimaginable, unbelievable
Yet, it happened
Words are nothing, actions being
Everything, so much time wasted
Live today like your last, live like
You're redeemed


be free

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Another Year

Time flies by so fast, I know you hear that a lot, but it really does. As I celebrated my birthday yesterday, I looked back over the last year and it really felt like time was actually flying past me. Where did it go? Our whole lives revolve around time, I wish I could count how many times a day I look at a clock, (that is my fav thing about vacation, I really try not to look at a clock at all, but that is another story). I keep saying that I want to slow down and take a breath, but you can't slow time it is going by at the same speed, one second at a time.
I wouldn't go back, but as I get older I realize that I'm not to crazy about going forward either. I want to learn to just embrace each moment as it comes, to always be content no matter where I am at. I want to be mature and grown-up, but not stuffy or stiff. I want to be fun to be around, but at the same time be an example. To project an air of sophistication without seeming stuck-up :). To be able to speak the truth in love. To look my age....well maybe that is not as important lol.

Moving on, I am enjoying life, I really am! I love my family & I have incredible friends. I do have a job........for the time being, and I have all my teeth lol (just thought of something randomly lol)
Until someone asks me what I'm going to do.............................AH! If someone asks me that one more time I'll, I'll, I'll ............................prolly do nothing, but I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!! :-(
I DON'T KNOW, OKAY? Just leave me alone.
The other day I thought about every time someone asked me that saying; "Mooching off my parents, and trying to catch a man."
That ought to shut them up, huh? I really want to say it, just to see the reaction.
I really envy people who seem to have their lives all planned, college, sports, a good job.....even marriage. But I don't know what I want, and more importantly I don't know what God wants.
That is another thing that frustrates me; I pray all the time that God would show me His will, I've been having a quiet time, reading my bible, and memorizing scripture. Still nothing, zilch, nada. So I'm waiting...............................I hate waiting.
Really hate it.

be free

Isaiah 26:8
Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 38:15
I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

I guess God knew we were going to do a lot of waiting :)

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Quiet Thoughts

I have not been having a regular quiet time, I have been reading my bible and praying. But actually taking the time to be quiet and think about different stuff hasn't really happened for a while. Well, last night I decided to just do it, so here are some thoughts that I came up with;

You are always hearing people say 'be your-self, be you', I even sign off 'Be Free'......
But that's not entirely the right thing, I don't want to be my-self because my 'Self' is wicked and perverse, not the qualities I want to be.
I want to be like Christ, that is my ultimate goal, to grow to be more like Him, to practice that everyday. So don't be your 'Self', be Jesus Christ who is in you. And 'Be Free' in Him, because He died to give us that freedom.

I was reading in Psalms and this verse really stood out to me;
Psalm 24:6
'This is the generation of those who seek Him, who seek Thy face.'

How powerful is that? Wow, I get chills every time I think about it.............
I want to make it happen, I want to see this generation seek Him. Think about how big a difference could be made if a whole generation was committed to seeking God.

I have been memorizing 2 Tim 2, and I have been thinking a lot about verse 4;
'No one engaged in warfare entangles him-self with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier.'
And at first I just thought, 'yeah, that makes sense, soldiers have to be one minded that's good'
Than I thought; 'wait, its talking about me. I have to be one minded, not wrapped up in all the drama and chaos of this life.....that is hard!'
'Cause so many times that is all I think about, what I'm focused on.....what I'm going to do the next day, what is going on in this person's life, how many problems I have, etc.
When those things should just be minor inconveniences, just tiny little road bumps. The Main focus should be on the 'War' between good and evil, God and Satan, a war for the very lives of all mankind. How could that be less important than who said what to who?
*sigh* To borrow the word of a good friend; that FRUSTRATES me!
What are we thinking? How does our world, our whole lives get shrunk down to these little mini soap opera's?

I titled this post quiet thoughts, but maybe it should be LOUD thoughts lol.
I try not to get discouraged by my lack of growth, but sometimes I look back at my almost 11 years of following Christ and think 'How far have I really come? What difference am I really making?'
All I can do is just keep trying, and trusting in God to catch me when I fall.

be free

1 Timothy 1:18-19
Timothy, my son, I give you this instruction in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by following them you may fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


I love looking forward to things....thinking about them, how much fun I'll have, what I'll wear etc.
I almost like that more than actually doing it. But right now I don't really have anything that is coming up, and I don't like it.
I need to work on contentment, accepting who I am and what I am doing, I think a lot of it is the fact that I'm less than two weeks away from turning 19, and still have NO clue what I'm gonna do this next year.
I definitely do not want to just sit at home, I want to be DO something, something that matters.
I was convicted last Sunday that I was facing every day with the mindset of just getting through it, doing what had to be done and getting it over with.
When I should be looking for ways to make EVERY day count for eternity, because that is the only thing that really matters, not just making it through the day.
Sometimes I feel like a worm or an animal that lives underground, just doing what it has to, to survive, never taking the time to come 'up' and see the beauty that is around them.
So my goal this week is to slow down, take a deep breath, and listen...........look............see what I've been missing. And just maybe I will learn something new, be a light, even feel some direction. Starting now....................................

be free

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me you heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
-Brandon Heath

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Character Week- Part Good

I was just re-reading my post from yesterday and realized how negative I sounded. Sorry about that :(
I am having an awesome time, I love working with kids, though I hadn't realized how much it took to be up on stage..........its hard work! I have a better appreciation for 'those' people now....
And the people I'm working with are amazing, everything is really going smoothly, and it should just get I AM going to make it through the next 2 days, we're going to finish strong and make this the BEST CHARACTER WEEK EVER!!!!!! :D lol.
Love you guys.
be free

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


Okay, so this week is Character Week......and even though it is only the third day I am already exhasted.
But I have three more days to go, please pray for me/us, that we will be strong and keep going!
Thanks, I'll try to write more later on.
be free

Monday, July 7, 2008

To Be or Not to Be

When I was little I used to dream about the day when I would be all grown-up, when I was out of school, had a job and my own car, and life was perfect..........
I am still waiting for that day to come, even though I have all of those things, somehow they have not brought me all the happiness I thought. Proving, once again, that happiness does not come from things.
In all that dreaming, imagining my grown-up life, I had no concept of all the pressures and responsibilities it would bring. And if I could go back and tell my-self just one thing, I would say, 'sweetie, its not as glamorous as it looks, you have to buy your own gas!'

Now I dream about the day when I have a plan, a direction for my life, what am I going to be when I grow up?
I have been putting off making any major decisions, thinking; 'ah, I have plenty of time'.
But now as fall draws nearer, and as my job comes to an end, I am left with the question; 'what am I going to be when I grow up?'
The answer? I have NO idea.........*sigh* I hate that, not knowing. I'm a planner, if I had my way I would have my whole life planned out complete with charts and lists. This not knowing makes my stomach hurt :(
I was up for an hour the other night, tossing and turning, my mind just going around and around what am I going to do what am I going to do what am I....well you get the point.
And after a whole hour I had the most brilliant thought I think I have ever ready?
It is NOT up to me, I have given my life to its His life, whatever I want or don't want doesn't really matter.
And you want to know another thing?
He ALREADY has a plan for me, I don't have to worry about anything, as long a I stay in the middle of God's will.
*Phew* I'll tell you something, it felt like a HUGE boulder just dropped off my shoulders, I have never felt immediate peace like that before, it was SO cool!!!
Of course, I do catch my self thinking about it, but every time I do I just stop, take a deep breath, and remind my self that it is not up to me. Not my responsibility.

be free

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Monday, June 30, 2008

10 Random Things About Me

1. I love music!!! 'nough said :p

2. My favorite thing to do is read, anytime I have some down time and I have a good book to read you know what I'll be doing

3. I have never been on a boat, for fishing or water skiing, or just period.

4. I was born is Texas, but have now lived in Oklahoma for 12 yrs. I have lived in the same house for that long, and have been going to the same church for 11 yrs.

5. I don't like to show my feelings very often, its something I'm working on. But if you ask me I will tell you, I am not afraid of confrontation.

6. Some girls are addicted to buying shoes, well for me its bags........I love them!! And even though I have way too many I'm always looking at new ones.

7. I have been to three 'corners' of the United States; New York, Florida, and California, and would really like to go to Washington to complete the set lol.

8. I am a very easygoing person, and unless something is morally wrong, I'll probably just go with the crowd, even when I would prefer something else.

9. I can't stand negativity, from anyone. I will go out of my way to avoid people who complain, and say things about people.

10. I am a VERY organized person, if something is messy I can't think clearly until I clean it. And yes, I do alphabetize everything......but I am still somewhat normal lol.

So, that's me. Probably very boring, but hey who are you to judge? :p
And I'm not gonna tag anyone but Maria 'cause she hasn't posted in eons!!!

be free

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Starbreather = My God

Oh wow. I just had an eye opening experience........Just finished watching a talk by Louie Gigligo about how BIG God is, and I'm not talking like an elephant big, or even the moon kind of big. I mean super ginormous wordscan'tdescribe kinda big. OMG!!!!!!!!!!

And now, as I sit here typing this, I feel about as small as one of those molecules that scientists talk about. That you can't see with a regular microscope, much less your eyes.......

But, you want to know the real kicker?????

He. Made. Me.

He. Loves. Me.

He. Knows. Everything. About. Me.

And He actually cares about all my so called problems, that aren't really problems, more like inconveniences.

In spite of all that I feel so loved, and protected. Why wouldn't I? My creator, my Abba, my God is a universe-maker and a star-breather (btw, do you have ANY idea how big the stars are???? check it out sometime)

Another cool thing and evidence that God really does care about us......there is this molecule thing that holds together our cells, it literally is the thing keeping us from being globs of jelly. Well, when I saw this picture of it I was floored, and completely overwhelmed...check it out.

I still can't stop looking at it or thinking about it........
I really can't think of anything else to say, that doesn't sound completely inane.
So, I think I'll just leave you with that.
be free

Monday, June 9, 2008

Waiting, its not what its cracked up to be

'I'm sure God has a plan'

I have heard that more times than I can count over the last week, and while I know its true I can't help but be impatient, I want to know RIGHT NOW what God's plan is. Because, if you ask me, right now I really don't understand, I mean why would God NOT want me to go on a mission trip to serve Him, to lead people to Him?
But, for that very reason, I have not been able to get mad at God, how can I be mad for Him not wanting me to go on a mission trip for Him? My heart would not be in the right place.
So, now I am just trying to find the good around me, and there is A LOT!!! I am starting to realize how very blessed I am, really! Even though many many things may not go exactly my way, who am I to judge what is best?
That sounded good didn't it? Now if I could just remember it the next time something comes up that reminds me of Africa, or rather my not going..........
Just FYI, my passport is still not done......and at this point I really don't care when it gets here, but I would like to 'talk' to someone about the stupid government system that apparently doesn't care either. There, now I feel a little better, having posted my ranting on the Internet :p

In closing, God does have a plan, even when you can't see it and may never. But I do believe that one day I will look back and say 'ahhhh, that's why.' Until then, I will just let it go.

be free

I'm letting go Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control Of my destiny
Feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
So I'm letting go
-Francesca Battistelli

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

broken & on the floor

Wow, God has really been working on me. Just when I thought I was doing pretty good, lol. He has been showing me how prideful I am, how self-righteous and how much I rely on my-self. I've known I probably had more pride than I should for a long time, but this past week, and really the last few days, God has shown me, through my passport situation, that I am nothing, can do nothing without Him.
I like to get things done, I enjoy making lists and crossing off each thing as I complete it. I like to do things my-self so it will get done right. But when there is nothing I can do about a situation it makes me very uncomfortable, and I will do whatever I can to some how gain some sort of control.
And because of that personality trait I have a hard time trusting people, and especially trusting God. Which is really quite stupid, because He is GOD, the GOD, Creator of the universe, Alpha and Omega, My Savior, My Abba.
He wants the best for me, ALWAYS. So why is it so hard for me to let go, and give it to Him? (figuratively speaking, its already His) I don't know.
But last night, lying in bed, I surrendered and gave 'it' (my Africa trip, and basically the rest of my life) to Him. Now, I can't say that I felt an immediate peace, like they talk about, but I do know that every time I've started worrying I stop, and give it back to Him. Its His trip, if He wants me to go I will, if He wants me to stay I will. So whats the use worrying? There is none.
Its not easy, worrying is like a bad habit, maybe if I think about it long enough, and hard enough something will change. It will be a daily struggle, but in the end I truly believe that I will find peace, and that is really all I want.

My Heart is Broken and My Pride is on the Floor

Psalm 51 :17
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

tired, but a good tired

I had an amazing time on the Character Focus trip to Arkansas, I was able to serve, fellowship, worship, minister, and got incredibly blessed spiritually. I will never forget it, I think I'm going to have the most amazing summer ever, and I don't think I'll ever be the same again. Thanks for everyone's prayers while we were gone, you are the real heroes. And of course the trip wouldn't have been so much fun if not for the people, I love ALL of you!!! I count you among my closest friends.
Its hard to get back into the 'real' world, though some would argue that it was the real world and the one we live right now is fake. Anyway, I just wish there was some way to experience that everyday, but I guess than it would be mundane....or not. Although, if we have the right attitude we can experience God everyday, in so many different wasys, through so many different things. I'm getting excited just thinking about it!!!! How many times do we let the mundane things in life take away our expectation of something incredible happening? If we are looking for God to show Himself, He will. But so many times we just run right past Him, calling luck, or timing, or even saying blessed but not really thinking and taking the time to praise God for it.
Well, there is my 20 cents for the day lol. I got a little carried away, but it is something to think about.
Still praying about my passport, I called the agency today and they said that it was still 'proccessing' whatever that means, and that there really wasn't anything they could do.
I will trust in God, if He wants me to go I will. really.
be free

Prov. 3:5,6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways aknowledge Him
And He will direct your paths

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

freaking, but trusting in God

I'm getting a little nervous about my passport........
I know that God is in control, but I keep stressing about it. Its like what I know and what I think aren't going together. *deep breath*
So, this week was crazy fun, on Mon. I went to the health department and waited for 3 hours to get my shot records from when I was a baby to send to the passport office, to prove I was born here, (I think it would have been easier to send them a picture proving I wasn't mexican, but....)
And while we were there I got my tetnus shot, (my first shot ever! that I can remember), than that night we had our last YOUGROW *sniff*
Thur. I went and got my yellow fever shot, and got a typhoid vaccination that I have to take 4 pills every other day, and if I forget I have to start all over again.
On Fri. was the start of the OCHEC convection, and what a LONG day, to have 8 kids for 9 hours.........well, by the end of the day it wasn't pretty, :(
Fri. night some of us, (Rachel, Whitney, Maria, Lauren and I) rented a room at the training center, so we had fun, just hanging out and watching movies.
Sat. it started all over again, I was so tired starting the day and it just got worse. 5 finally rolled around (the time when the kids LEFT!!!), and I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when Brandon asks me and Megan to take care of the kids whose parents were late..................yeah, thats what I felt too.
And than after a few minutes Megan leaves, so I'm there with about 10 kids..........they're all still alive I promise you, by the grace of God. And I think most of them may still even like me.
Sun. I had a basketball banquet that my family set-up and cooked for, it was tiring.
And Mon. was our Liberty basketball alumni game, that I had not got in anything resembling shape (except maybe round) for. We did win!!! That was exciting, but at a personal cost; very sore back and shoulders, huge bruise on hip where I stopped AD from getting a lay-up and got rammed into the wall, and bruise on jaw where Kayla's head somehow connected when going for a loose ball.
I hope this satisfies SOME people who have given me a hard time (*coughjoncough*) about not posting. I have told you everything I can think of..........almost, some things are best kept off the internet ;)
be free

Monday, April 21, 2008


I feel like I don't even have time to sleep, when I try to I just start thinking about all the things I need to do.
Let me just list a few;
-get money for Africa and AR trips (about 2,500 total)
-get shots (I'm nervous about this, I have NEVR had shots before.....)
-mail out a letter
-work (even though I know that I won't be here much makes it kinda hard)
-my passport (I have this fear that it won't get here on time)

And that is just out of the ordinary, I have all my regular stuff at home, and I don't have a free weekend until after I get back from Africa!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to keep reminding my-self that the reason I'm doing this is to get closer to God, and running around like a chicken with its head cut off, while completely ignoreing Him. Is not helping to achieve that purpose. So I keep trying to make time for Him, but...........

And, I want to spend more time with my family because I'm gonna be gone so much this summer. But I'm trying not to think about that, I'm going to get SO homesick.

I am looking forward to this weekend though, my dad is taking me to a concert at Frontier City, Wavorly, needtobreathe, and Thousand Foot Krutch, I'm excited!

Please pray for me, that everything will fall into place, that I will see God work, and that my faith will be strengthened. Thanks for listening........
be free

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Tick Tock

tick tock tick tock tick tock.......................
Why is most of our lives about waiting? I was just thinking that I only have an hour left 'til I can go home, and I'm just watching the clock.
I do this every day for all kinds of things, I wait.
It seems like there could be a better use of my time, but what? Its not like I don't WANT to be doing nothing, I just don't have anything else to do, but wait on whatever I'm waiting on. GRRRR! :)
Any suggestions?

So, last weekend I went to a family reunion, well kind of, it was just for ladies. We rented a few cabins and just spent the weekend getting to know each other more. I had fun, even though I had the flu ALL weekend.
Anyways, while we were there, my mom sister and I, I just realized how blessed we were to have a such a godly family, MOST of them were Christians, in fact I don't know who was not. I know that this is unusual, its somewhat like that on my dad's side, though not to the same extreme. But I am So thankful that I was born into such a Godly family, and that I have such a heritage.
Oh, and through some different things....I'm thinking about, praying about, maybe going on the Africa mission trip. I REALLY wanted to go, and then I KNEW I was not going to go, and then some things happened. So, I need prayer, it would take a miracle to go now, getting a passport and raising the money. But God is big.....................
Be Free.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Life is hard

It really is, and it keeps getting harder as I get older. I'm going through some tough times right now, and I know that God is trying to teach me something, but what?
A few months ago I was thinking, 'I really have a perfect life, I have everything that I really even want'.......Now, I just have questions, and they're not really even good questions.
When I got back from the ski trip my life just took a downward spiral, both of our cars are in the shop, and to get them both fixed its going to be almost $2,000. My dog, Joe (the best, sweetest, funniest dog in the whole world), we found out has been killing chickens, and those people are going to sue us if we don't get rid of him. And than Mon. morning I find out that as of May 1st I no longer have a job, they are going to start outsourcing it, or something.
My reaction to all this? WHY?
I went to bible study last night, I did'nt really want to go, but I figured that if I wanted God to show me what He wanted me to do next, that the least I could do was TRY and get closer to Him.
I'm glad I went, I still have doubts and questions, probably more than I did before. But I feel like I'm not by my-self, I don't have to figure it out, because I'm not trying to do MY will.
Anyways, I thought I would write down some of my random thoughts and questions from last night, just in case anyone had any answers, or just to feel encouaged that someone else is feeling the same way you are...........

Thoughts and Questions;

Do I want God to break me?
What id the purpose of closing a door when there is not one open? I want to see an alturnative first! I did'nt want these doors to close, what if I don't want to give that to you? I don't want to wait!
When the music should'nt ever fade, that feeling that God is RIGHT there, 'cause HE is. We can choose whether or not to 'listen', to really listen, to be aware of WEHRE God is, right there, by you, in you, beside, before, after, below, above.........
How can I ignore something so BIG? How can I put my selfish desires in front of someone's so RIGHT? How can I act this way in front of someone so PERFECT? WHO cares? About ANYTHING else? What REALLY matters? Nothing of this world. What lasts? What is REAL? Emotions? People? Relationships? Actions? Words? Its? What is its? My life? But I thougt that life did'nt matter. It does'nt, just His plan, how do I really KNOW His plan? and not just picking thing out of the bible...
The ONE thing I know? I AM HIS - totally - completely- nothing that is mine, is mine - What is really mine?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?????????????

So that is whats been going on with me, I hope I have'nt depressed anyone or anything, and I am not doubting my salvation, or that there is a God, or anything like that, I just want to know more. Up to now I think I've just been 'here', wherever the 'current' takes me. I want to go His way, not my own, or anyone else's.
I would appreciate your prayers, I know this won't be easy...........
Be Free

Monday, January 28, 2008

HEY, its me.........sorry its been so long, I got a new job/position. And discovered a thing called facebook, its really addicting lol. Soooooo, unfortunately I spent so much time thinking about WHAT I was going to blog about, that now that I'm actually doing it I've run out of time. Pray for me, I have at least 7 games in the next two weeks, YIKES!!!!!!!!! Love you guys, thanks for sticking with me :)