Thursday, March 11, 2010

poor little rich me

I never really understood the analogy of life being like a winding road before the last year or so. I knew that life had surprises, but I had no idea how quickly the turns in the road happen, or how completely different the scenery is.
My life has changed so much in the past two years, in the past year, and even the past 6 months. Its crazy! I think about this often, but more so in the past couple of weeks. I am raising money to go to Africa again this year, and to be honest it is slightly overwhelming.
Last year I already had my money raised from the year before, and the money I need to raise this year is three times that amount. Plus I need funds for 3 other mission projects in the U.S. This has changed the way I think, drastically.

I remember when I had a job a year and a half ago, (has it really been that long???), how very different my thought process was.
If I really wanted something, I saved up for a little while and bought it. About once a month or so I would go shopping, cause thats what girls do, and maybe buy something(s).

I made several big purchases; computer, camera, redecorated my room, and paid for several mission trips out of my own pocket.
It is amazing how things change, that kind of thinking is foreign to me now. Not just the lacking a job/steady income/income at all, but my focus is different.

Just a few days ago I had a random thought; I wish I had a pair of Toms. I have these often, everyone does. They see something that is cool and wish they could have it too. But this time I stopped and thought about how back when I had my job I wouldn't have thought twice about buying some Toms. I might have saved for a month or so, or maybe just went out and bought them. Now, its not even a serious thought really. I would like some, but when you're trying to save as much as you can no matter how small $50 or $60 is a HUGE deal. And when I think about it there is no comparison. Period.

Think about it;


or shoes__

yeah.....I don't feel cheated at all :)

poor, but so very rich!

be free

Monday, March 8, 2010

Feelings of inadequacy surround me. Being humbled in so many ways. Desperation leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. Tears fall, being broken before the Lord is a painful yet incredible place to be.

I long for peace. I would rather have peace than just about anything else. Whether it is in my own life, or the people and circumstances around me. I desire this peace so much that sometimes I feel like I need to 'do' something, or change a part of my life in order to have it. Recently, as in tonight, I had a thought; what if God does not want me to just stop doing this or change how I do that. What if the real issue is my heart. My heart needs to change, I need to get to the root issue. Some of the time I think the answer is my relationship with God. I get so focused on the don't's....don't do this, don't do that, stay away from those, and I forget what is the most important; my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything else is subject to that; how I spend my time, who I am friends with, what I say and the thoughts I have. All of these things will fall into place if I have a good relationship with Christ.

I said all that to say that I am going to try an experiment for the next week or so. Instead of choosing to fast from something or change something about what I do, I am going to seek God. Earnestly, desperately, I am going to try to focus so much on Him that everything else takes a back seat. Whether this means having a 4 hour quiet time, or not getting on facebook, I am going to follow the Spirit and pray for change, a heart change, the kind that turns mediocre girls into passionate young women willing to anything for their Creator.

((desperate for changing. starving for Truth. closer then when I started. I'm chasing after You.))