It really is, and it keeps getting harder as I get older. I'm going through some tough times right now, and I know that God is trying to teach me something, but what?
A few months ago I was thinking, 'I really have a perfect life, I have everything that I really even want'.......Now, I just have questions, and they're not really even good questions.
When I got back from the ski trip my life just took a downward spiral, both of our cars are in the shop, and to get them both fixed its going to be almost $2,000. My dog, Joe (the best, sweetest, funniest dog in the whole world), we found out has been killing chickens, and those people are going to sue us if we don't get rid of him. And than Mon. morning I find out that as of May 1st I no longer have a job, they are going to start outsourcing it, or something.
My reaction to all this? WHY?
I went to bible study last night, I did'nt really want to go, but I figured that if I wanted God to show me what He wanted me to do next, that the least I could do was TRY and get closer to Him.
I'm glad I went, I still have doubts and questions, probably more than I did before. But I feel like I'm not by my-self, I don't have to figure it out, because I'm not trying to do MY will.
Anyways, I thought I would write down some of my random thoughts and questions from last night, just in case anyone had any answers, or just to feel encouaged that someone else is feeling the same way you are...........
Thoughts and Questions;
Do I want God to break me?
What id the purpose of closing a door when there is not one open? I want to see an alturnative first! I did'nt want these doors to close, what if I don't want to give that to you? I don't want to wait!
When the music fades.............it should'nt ever fade, that feeling that God is RIGHT there, 'cause HE is. We can choose whether or not to 'listen', to really listen, to be aware of WEHRE God is, right there, by you, in you, beside, before, after, below, above.........
How can I ignore something so BIG? How can I put my selfish desires in front of someone's so RIGHT? How can I act this way in front of someone so PERFECT? WHO cares? About ANYTHING else? What REALLY matters? Nothing of this world. What lasts? What is REAL? Emotions? People? Relationships? Actions? Words? Its? What is its? My life? But I thougt that life did'nt matter. It does'nt, just His plan, how do I really KNOW His plan? and not just picking thing out of the bible...
The ONE thing I know? I AM HIS - totally - completely- nothing that is mine, is mine - What is really mine?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?????????????
So that is whats been going on with me, I hope I have'nt depressed anyone or anything, and I am not doubting my salvation, or that there is a God, or anything like that, I just want to know more. Up to now I think I've just been 'here', wherever the 'current' takes me. I want to go His way, not my own, or anyone else's.
I would appreciate your prayers, I know this won't be easy...........
Be Free
~noel~
