Tuesday, September 23, 2008

worship is not enough

So many thoughts are going through my head, I do not even know where to begin.
I went on a journey last night, a very long one. I do not know if I can remember all of it, much less write it down here, but I will try.

I need God.

He does not need me.

I am aching, with every breath to hear His voice, but why would He talk to me? I wouldn't. I ignore Him, question Him, and doubt Him time after time.

I am nothing

He is everything.

Die to self; I have heard that so many times it comes out of my mouth automatically, die to self; easy right? right? NO! I have to die! Mirage Noel Boyd, human is dead. She is gone, along with her pride, anger, selfishness, jealousy, and lustful thoughts.

At this point I started feeling sorry for my-self, 'I am nothing, I need to die, I am such a bad person, why would anyone like me? blah, blah, blah.'

I don't know if I actually heard God speak, or if the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart but I heard it;
'Sweetheart, its not all about you'

It was at this point that I didn't have anything to say, no comebacks, no excuses, no examples of good things I had done. I saw my-self for what it really was; worthless, sinful, disgusting.
And I saw what God had done for me meet Mirage Noel Boyd, citizen of heaven, princess, pure, holy, righteous. And ONLY because Jesus lives in me, not because of anything I had done, anything I touch is defiled and unworthy.

The more I think about it the more overwhelmed I am, THE GOD, MAKER OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE LOVES ME, MADE ME, CARES ABOUT ME.


What have I done? What can I do?

Everything I can think of is too small, like giving a penny to Bill Gates.

But, here I am thinking about me again. It doesn't matter why, or how. God made me, loves me, and asks that I love Him. It can't get much more simple than that.

I feel empty now, almost hollow, like I don't know who I am anymore. How am supposed to act? Now that my-self is dead.

Searching; for answers.

Waiting; for truth.

Trusting; for wisdom.

Hoping; for things that will blow my mind.

be free

It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong

There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything – I surrender

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly
-Whatever You're doing by Sanctus Real

Monday, September 15, 2008


Okay, I have a question; Why does time seem to go by at different rates? How can some seconds seem like forever, and some weeks go by so fast?

I feel like that all the time, it has been two weeks since I posted, yet it feels like just a few days ago. But it also seem like it has been years since my life turned upside down, when in reality I have only felt that way about a month.
So, last week I helped teach the 12-15 yr old's at the Financial Fitness Seminar, I think it went very well. I had a small group of 5 girls, all were 13 & 14. I am finding out more and more that if you ask God He will give you words to say. There were so many times I would say something, and think; 'where did that come from? I didn't that, it is way too insightful.' Amazing, and as I was teaching these girls I learned so much not only through the material but the girls themselves! So cool, I am excited about teaching that age group again. It was also really fun just to hang out with them, both guys and girls, I have never interacted with that age group that much before. They're cool lol, even my own brother and sister :p.
For the last two Sundays we (my family and I) have gone to Frontier City, trying to get the most out of season passes. It has been a lot of fun, I love rides and doing them with family and friends just make it twice as fun :)
I'm thinking about going to the fair, I haven't been since I was 8 yrs old.......its just not been something my family did. We'll see, if I do I'll def post about it!

Sometimes I think that I couldn't be any happier, than others I wish everything was different. At this point I have no idea if I'm just 'being a girl' and letting my hormones run away, or if I really am depressed and need to take a break. I wish.............I didn't think so much lol, that's prolly my problem, I really do think too much.

And I want to take a break.....I'm thinking about going to my Aunt's house for a week or two at the end of this month, I hope it works out.

Just to reiterate (big word; means to say again :p) what I said in my last post, growing up is a let down MAJOR!!!!! My mom keeps telling me that this is the best time of my life, but I'm not seeing it so much yet. Maybe my expectations were too high as a kid, but being grown up looked really easy and fun then. Just goes to show you that the grass is NOT greener on the other side.

I am enjoying football, I forget every year how much I like it......even though I don't understand half of it, I mean what the the heck is an illegal shift? why not just say offsides? or false start? People just like to make things complicated, so they can sound smarter lol.

Going to You Grow tonight.....I'm excited, last year each night I was more blessed. I'm ready for some blessing, VERY ready.

be free

I want to fly
Into the sky
And turn my back on this old world
And leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It’s got nothing for me
Only leaves me with emptiness
And tears in my eyes

-Gravity, Shawn McDonald

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

don't know don't care

I'm depressed.
I've never been depressed like this before.
I don't like it.
And I'm not even sure why, I can't put my finger on any one thing.
Maybe its because I still have the same job, one I was supposed to leave 4 months ago. Maybe its because my mom, who is my best friend and who I talk to about everything, just had major surgery and won't be back as full time 'mom' for another month. Maybe its because I have so much responsibility as the oldest, I'm shopping, driving people places, making decisions, being asked endless questions ALL day, etc. Maybe its because I'm just realizing that another year has gone by without me making a serious decision about my future; college, career, ministry, etc. Or maybe I'm just in a funk.
Whatever it is, it sucks. And I wish I could do something about it, I wish I could do something with my life. I need to take a break, right now........before I break the keys on my laptop because I'm hitting them so hard.
GAH! Whats wrong with me?
I seriously have no reason to feel this way, not really. Especially when you put it in perspective.
I've heard so many times that when God seems far away its me that has moved, but sometimes it feels like that no matter how much I want to feel His presence, nothing works. I read, I pray, I worship, I meditate, I memorize, I go to church, I go to bible studies, I pray again. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Hello? Is ANYONE there?
But what am I thinking? God is here, I see Him everywhere, feel His presence, hear Him in other people, His word, and songs. I think Paul said that we are double minded, that is SO true. How else could you explain these feelings, thoughts, and emotions?
I need Jesus
I wish that it was easier
I like peace
I love people
I believe that Jesus loves me
I am tired of being two people
I have the best family and friends EVER

I hope that things will change
I remember that through the blackest night, morning DOES come
I love worshiping my Savior
I don't want to stay here
I strive to act on my words
I forget that only through Christ can I do anything
I try to relax, be less prideful
I think too much, that life is too complicated, and that I should probably just go to bed
I want a holiday, a fresh outlook, to worship for real
I will have devotions, open my eyes for new possibilities, accept advice gracefully

be free