Tuesday, September 23, 2008

worship is not enough

So many thoughts are going through my head, I do not even know where to begin.
I went on a journey last night, a very long one. I do not know if I can remember all of it, much less write it down here, but I will try.

I need God.

He does not need me.

I am aching, with every breath to hear His voice, but why would He talk to me? I wouldn't. I ignore Him, question Him, and doubt Him time after time.

I am nothing

He is everything.

Die to self; I have heard that so many times it comes out of my mouth automatically, die to self; easy right? right? NO! I have to die! Mirage Noel Boyd, human is dead. She is gone, along with her pride, anger, selfishness, jealousy, and lustful thoughts.

At this point I started feeling sorry for my-self, 'I am nothing, I need to die, I am such a bad person, why would anyone like me? blah, blah, blah.'

I don't know if I actually heard God speak, or if the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart but I heard it;
'Sweetheart, its not all about you'

It was at this point that I didn't have anything to say, no comebacks, no excuses, no examples of good things I had done. I saw my-self for what it really was; worthless, sinful, disgusting.
And I saw what God had done for me meet Mirage Noel Boyd, citizen of heaven, princess, pure, holy, righteous. And ONLY because Jesus lives in me, not because of anything I had done, anything I touch is defiled and unworthy.

The more I think about it the more overwhelmed I am, THE GOD, MAKER OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE LOVES ME, MADE ME, CARES ABOUT ME.


What have I done? What can I do?

Everything I can think of is too small, like giving a penny to Bill Gates.

But, here I am thinking about me again. It doesn't matter why, or how. God made me, loves me, and asks that I love Him. It can't get much more simple than that.

I feel empty now, almost hollow, like I don't know who I am anymore. How am supposed to act? Now that my-self is dead.

Searching; for answers.

Waiting; for truth.

Trusting; for wisdom.

Hoping; for things that will blow my mind.

be free

It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong

There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything – I surrender

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly
-Whatever You're doing by Sanctus Real


Whitney said...

Noel, how do you do it? That is the exact song that I have been thinking about and holding onto. you are not alone. I love you and I am here if you ever want to talk. have a good week.

Lauren said...

That was so good, Noel. I enjoy reading your blog. You are so open and honest. Keep it up!

Tammi said...

Noel, I know coming from an adult you may not understand but I want to thank you for being so open to your life struggles, being real, not fearing man, I have been dealing with some healing issues and what you had to say really said alot to me. God is using you in more ways than you know. Thank you for being you. Tammi