Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Big, Beautiful, Blue Sky

Such a beautiful day
Not a cloud in the sky
And to think that some days
All I can wonder is why?
This is not one of those days
Because as I stare into the sky
That beautiful blue doesn't ask 'why?'
Somehow, some way
I have all of my answers
Like where to go, what to do,
And why do people die of cancer
Those answers might not be
The ones you would expect
But, God is in control
And I do not have to worry about
"What is next?"

Friday, January 21, 2011

'A dream is a wish your heart makes'

I usually do not agree with most things 'Disney', but I think they may have gotten this one right.

The only thing thing they missed is how much it hurts for that dream to not become reality.

It is hard.

There is an ache in the center of my chest, and my eyes burn with unshed tears.
Which I know are the first of many.

I have rarely experienced the strength of emotions that I have experienced in connection to Africa.
The nations and people have stolen my heart, and I will never be the same.
Because of this I want to go back again, and again, and again.
My honest thought was that I was going again this year, to Uganda and Rwanda.
I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. All through September, October, November, and December. Waiting for an answer. For a 'Yes' or 'No'.
All I heard was wait.
I have tried many times to hear that yes, to make something seem like 'a sign'. But I knew that it never was.

Until recently.

It is hard to describe the wrestling of my spirit and flesh, the tears, cries, confusion, and even anger.
I am convinced that it is 'No'.
And this breaks my heart.
I want to go.
To know that I will be missing so much.
The joy of the pastors.
The laughter of children.
The passion and boldness of preachers, evangelists, and people like me, only in a different country.
Holding beautiful babies.
Sharing Jesus with students, so open and ready.
Seeing myself change in ways I never thought possible.
Being part of something so much bigger than myself. A team.

Right now I'm not sure what I am feeling.
But hopefully soon I will have the peace that I know will come.
letting go,

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Of Change and Owls.

To be honest the thought of a 'new year' scares me.
Though, it is not much different than 2010.
The thing I am actually afraid of is change.
I. Do. Not. Like. Change.

Which might be a problem at this point in my life, because it feels like EVERYTHING is changing.
Many times I have the feeling that my whole life is up in the air, bouncing around, not knowing when something is going to fall into place.
Or like I am in a room with doors all around me and I keep trying to find one that fits the key I have, but I can't.
I don't even know if I have the right key, or am in the correct room.

To use the words of a sweet girl I know, 'I have a problem.' Or, should I say, another problem.
You see I have this personality trait, of wanting to make everyone happy.
Now, this is different than caring about what people think of me, because to be honest I really do not. But I do want the people I love and respect to be happy, with me.
The problem is, of course, is that I can NEVER make everyone happy.
It just isn't possible.
I also do not like to disappoint people. I have always been a 'good girl', I follow the rules, am responsible, and do what is expected of me.
But lately it seems as though it is becoming harder and harder to do what is expected of me, or what people think I should do.
Everyone has an opinion, or a piece of advice to share.
I can not listen to everyone.

I did apply for a job yesterday.
I, Mirage Noel Boyd, filled out my very first job application. It was scary. I almost wanted to snatch it back out of the lady's hands. . . . . . . What if they don't call me? Or I get an interview, and I'm not hired? No one likes rejection, and I feel almost vulnerable right now.

The next 2 months are going to be crazy busy with basketball, mission day, sunday school, fish club, and a job (hopefully).
I suspect that the rest of my life will be just as busy. (Heaven sounds good right about now)

I am hopefully getting a new phone soon, and I picked out a cover today, it made me laugh;
I think its cute :)

Well...............That is about all I have to say.
I am sure that in the next 20 minutes I will have 37 other thoughts race through my brain, but I'll deal with that later hehe.

be free (hoooo, hoooo)