Friday, January 21, 2011

'A dream is a wish your heart makes'

I usually do not agree with most things 'Disney', but I think they may have gotten this one right.

The only thing thing they missed is how much it hurts for that dream to not become reality.

It is hard.

There is an ache in the center of my chest, and my eyes burn with unshed tears.
Which I know are the first of many.

I have rarely experienced the strength of emotions that I have experienced in connection to Africa.
The nations and people have stolen my heart, and I will never be the same.
Because of this I want to go back again, and again, and again.
My honest thought was that I was going again this year, to Uganda and Rwanda.
I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. All through September, October, November, and December. Waiting for an answer. For a 'Yes' or 'No'.
All I heard was wait.
I have tried many times to hear that yes, to make something seem like 'a sign'. But I knew that it never was.

Until recently.

It is hard to describe the wrestling of my spirit and flesh, the tears, cries, confusion, and even anger.
I am convinced that it is 'No'.
And this breaks my heart.
I want to go.
To know that I will be missing so much.
The joy of the pastors.
The laughter of children.
The passion and boldness of preachers, evangelists, and people like me, only in a different country.
Holding beautiful babies.
Sharing Jesus with students, so open and ready.
Seeing myself change in ways I never thought possible.
Being part of something so much bigger than myself. A team.

Right now I'm not sure what I am feeling.
But hopefully soon I will have the peace that I know will come.
letting go,

1 comment:

Peter said...

"Too few characters out there, flying around like that, saving old girls like me. And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them how to hold on a second longer. I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams…"-Aunt May, from Spiderman 2.

I recently watched Spiderman 2 again. I was surprised that, in a Hollywood movie, one of the core themes is that we must die to our own dreams sometimes. It hurts. But it happens. I'm so sorry that your dream of Africa seems unlikely to happen this year. :(