Saturday, April 17, 2010

**Disclaimer; I, Mirage Noel Boyd, am not in my right mind, (or maybe I am) but not my normal right mind, and have just written out my rambling ramblings as they have come into my poor tired, overwhelmed, stressed out, slightly weird HEAD. The following may confuse you, will probably not make sense, and might cause you to think I am crazy. I most likely am. Makes life more interesting. Happy reading.**

sometimes life is not happy.
sometimes life seems pointless.
sometimes life is beautiful.
sometimes life is heartbreaking.
thoughts seem hazy, just out of reach, coming into focus only to disappear into a confusing web of endless questions.
my heart hurts.
my head hurts.
my body hurts, wait, thats just the gym.
why do I keep setting myself up for failure? why do I keep striving for perfection when it is not possible? (in my own strength)

I have a Savior who loves me. This knowledge gives me the courage to face each day, to keep doing the next thing, and trusting that there is a plan.

Do you ever wonder?
how the grass turns green at the same time the leaves come out on the trees, turning the bleak deadness into a luscious landscape of life?
why people discriminate against people different than them, instead of marveling at the creativity of the Creator?
when a mother knows her child is getting into something without anyone telling her?
what happens when a baby stares into your eyes and seems to know what you're thinking?
who is laughing at the exact same thing you are 100,000 miles away?
I actually didn't, until just now.

oh, and one more thing; does anyone else think it is slightly weird to write out your thoughts and then send them out into cyberspace for anyone to read? Just a thought. Maybe it is completely normal, lots of people seem to be doing it.

I guess that is about it.
(not really, but that is all I am willing to share at the moment.)
Think through your thoughts today, it will confuse you and you can join me :)


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Mercy reaching to save me.......

......its something so beautiful, beautiful.

The crack of the sticks.....
The grunts of Someone holding in pain....
The jeers of lost souls.....
The knowledge that I DID THAT TO HIM......


Tears stream down my face, pooling in my hands.
Hands that are outstretched, palms up, surrendered.

I have thought about the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ many times, I've grown up in church, heard all the stories, watched all the movies.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I am rarely moved. I gloss over it, 'oh yeah, Jesus died for me, thank you Jesus!'.
How can I think that in any way repays HIM for what He did???
It does not.
I can not.
And the one thing He does ask of me, the thing that is already His, I don't even give that.
ME. All of me. Surrendered to Him, willingly, waiting to do whatever He asks.

As I sat there Monday night watching the beating scene from the Passion of the Christ I was completely overwhelmed.
And I had a new insight I suppose you could call it, every time I watch something like that I get 'righteously angry' at the Roman soldiers. There they are beating, spitting on, and laughing that THE SON OF GOD, GOD HIMSELF, and have no shame.
Other times I have felt ashamed for thinking this because I know that I am just like those Roman soldiers, I am just like Pilate, and I am like the self-righteous Pharisees.
But this night I saw just a glimpse of Jesus's perspective, He was being beat, spit on, and laughed at by His own creation. The very ones that He was suffering for, dying for, whom He loved more than I can EVER comprehend, were causing Him pain beyond imagining.
Yet, is this any worse then the pain I cause Him every time I go my own way, and reject Him???
I don't think so. I am no better than anyone else. If I could somehow grasp that concept it would save me so much heartache. If I could think about this before I do what I want, that I am causing the One who died for me pain and grief, I would stop.

I have never been more aware of the incredible, awe-inspiring, all consuming, all encompassing, crazy LOVE that God has for ME, then Monday night.
I could barely hold it in, I had no words, but somehow they needed to come out. Trembling, smiling, crying, a taste of heaven perhaps?

That is my journey so far. I am praying that this is only the beginning, a simple seed, with strong roots and no distractions.

be free

To give unselfishly
To love the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
Will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at Your throne with open hands

I lift my hands open wide
Let the whole world see
How You loved, how You died, how You set me free
Free at last
I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands

To finally let go of my plans
These earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at Your cross I stand with open hands

You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung Your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid my price
So Jesus, now I will give my life

-Matt Papa, Open Hands