Tuesday, August 26, 2008
But I think I am sad, and I don't know why, and that is really bothering me. I have no reason to be sad, God has blessed me SO much, yet when I really think about it, I do feel sad.
I am in a rut, just doing the same thing every day, and not trying to do anything about it.
What is wrong with me? I sound like an old person, or someone who has no hope. Yet, I am young, I have my whole life ahead of me, and with my Savior I can do anything.
So what is keeping me back?
Am I scared of the unknown, or that God will ask me to do something I don't want to?
Or am I just prideful, thinking 'I can figure it out by my-self'?
I don't know, but I don't like it.
In all of this I keep thinking, 'Where are You God? Why can't I hear Your voice? Or see Your plan?'
Maybe it is because I am not looking, or listening.........
I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with God is not what I want it to be.
I don't put Him first
I don't wait to hear His voice or see His plan
I just barge ahead with what I want, thinking in my own mind that I know what God wants, I'm just taking the initiative and doing it.
I can't go on like this, I do not want to end up a bitter, hypocritical church-goer.
I have to change
I’m tired of putting one foot in front of the other
I’m weary of where it leads me to
I’m tired of moving on from my Father
Make me rest my head, take a breath or two
Simply stated simple minded love for You Has simply been completely complicated
And I’m finding this daily drudgery is finally catching up to me
It’s time for this abandon to make much of You and less of me
I want to breathe in
I want to breathe in and out again
-Jimmy Needham, A Breath or Two
Monday, August 18, 2008
My Mom woke up Saturday morning with contractions and bleeding, so my Dad went ahead and took her to the hospital. When they got there the doctors checked everything, and while there wasn't anything wrong, Trinity's heart beat was too fast. So the Doctor said that my Mom was having a baby today, and they could try and induce, but because they didn't know what was wrong she recommended a c-section. So my Mom and Dad prayed about it, and said go ahead, Trinity was born around 1:15 Saturday August 16, 2008. She is doing well, and my Mom is much better, she was able to nurse yesterday and Trinity retained all of it. Mom should be home either Wednesday or Thursday, and the nurse said that Trinity can come home when she maintains her body temperature, and can suck, swallow, breathe. And she is doing the last three, so keep praying.
I got to hold her yesterday, she was so tiny! I was afraid I was going to crush her, she is such a miracle. She makes it all totally worth it! :) Please pray for me too, I am going to be 'mom' for the next several days, if not weeks. And I'm taking over the Wednesday meal for the next month. Thank you for all your prayer, and all the people who visited us, you are such a blessing!
Monday, August 11, 2008
I feel like I keep harping on the same subjects.......time going by so fast, not knowing what to do with my life, waiting, waiting waiting. But nothing else is really going on, duh lol.
Since I don't have anything else to post; here are some poems that I wrote........they're pretty bad, so you know I'm really desperate :p
Help me stop clouding my mind
With things that don't matter
Your voice I can't find
Nothing is becoming clearer
I want to be in Your presence
But I keep thinking 'tomorrow'
I know I can't stay on the fence
But how do I get off of it?
Sometimes I feel so lost
I know You are there
Than I think about the cost
And I feel overwhelmed
I feel like one of those clouds
That cover up the sun, yet allow bits of light through
Make me less proud
That You may shine more brightly
I sit here pen in hand
Thinking, listening and
Questioning things I have
Always believed in
What is right or wrong
Why do I question where I belong
I am a sinner saved by grace
Jesus Christ took my place
Nailed to a cross forsaken and alone
Now, 2,000 years later I am lost
in the fake reality
Consumed by the skin of this world
Knowing in my heart what is real
But being deceived
Is not an excuse
I know what is the truth
The way and life
And He is the only way to Paradise
My life is not my own
I have given it to the
One who is the maker of it
Starbreather, Universe creator
I can feel Him all around me
Down to my very fingertips
How He could love someone like me
is a mystery
How He would make me a Princess
Is unimaginable, unbelievable
Yet, it happened
Words are nothing, actions being
Everything, so much time wasted
Live today like your last, live like
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I wouldn't go back, but as I get older I realize that I'm not to crazy about going forward either. I want to learn to just embrace each moment as it comes, to always be content no matter where I am at. I want to be mature and grown-up, but not stuffy or stiff. I want to be fun to be around, but at the same time be an example. To project an air of sophistication without seeming stuck-up :). To be able to speak the truth in love. To look my age....well maybe that is not as important lol.
Moving on, I am enjoying life, I really am! I love my family & I have incredible friends. I do have a job........for the time being, and I have all my teeth lol (just thought of something randomly lol)
Until someone asks me what I'm going to do.............................AH! If someone asks me that one more time I'll, I'll, I'll ............................prolly do nothing, but I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!! :-(
I DON'T KNOW, OKAY? Just leave me alone.
The other day I thought about every time someone asked me that saying; "Mooching off my parents, and trying to catch a man."
That ought to shut them up, huh? I really want to say it, just to see the reaction.
I really envy people who seem to have their lives all planned, college, sports, a good job.....even marriage. But I don't know what I want, and more importantly I don't know what God wants.
That is another thing that frustrates me; I pray all the time that God would show me His will, I've been having a quiet time, reading my bible, and memorizing scripture. Still nothing, zilch, nada. So I'm waiting...............................I hate waiting.
Really hate it.
Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
I guess God knew we were going to do a lot of waiting :)