Thursday, November 27, 2008

A few of my favorite things......

~Happy Thanksgiving To All~

Here are some things that that I am thankful for in my life.........

*Jesus Christ

*Family (of course lol)

*Friends (I really do have amazing friends, I cannot imagine any better. Seriously)

*Crisp fall mornings

*Homemade lattes




*Concerts with friends

*Texas....the state, not the football team ;)

*My own room!!

*The color makes me happy

*Christmas music!!!

*Watching football

*My Ugg boots (they are sooooo comfortable)


* my room, don't worry :D

*Songs that express what I am feeling better than words I say

*Shopping....even though I don't have any money

*You Grow

*Steve (my car....don't worry)



be free

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

sound of my breaking heart

How is it that when I feel broken is when I feel God the most. You would think that broken is bad. When something breaks I am sad, sad that it is unusable and that I have lost that thing.
Not so with my heart. When my heart is broken is when I am the most usable. When myself is out of the way and I can hear God's voice.
It is amazing the view from a state of brokenness. A state where I know that I am not all that. It is when I am myself, when I am prideful and selfish, that I get in so much trouble. The choices I make in the things I do and say, are purely self motivated. There is nothing about them that is righteous, or holy.

I had a first last night, and I know that as I get older I will be having more and more of these. For the first time I wanted to go home, my real home. As I sat there listening, with so many thoughts going through my head, I wanted, for the first time, for Jesus to come back. Now I have thought that I would be okay with Jesus coming back for a long time, but have never actually wished it would happen right then. I felt this longing to go to heaven, I did not care about not doing great things with my life, or getting my first kiss, or leading millions to Jesus, or getting married, or going to Europe, or holding my children. I just wanted to go to heaven, where there is no tears, no misunderstandings, no one offending or being offended. Where I could just worship my Lord, and be in eternal fellowship with the people I love.

So........I am still waiting. For something. Anything. I have not had a job for two months, and to be honest it really stinks. I am having a hard time trusting that this is really God's will for me right now. I cannot see how this would fit into any plan for my life. Why am I just sitting here? Surely there is something that I could be doing. But what? People keep asking me what I am doing, and now that I do not have a job it feels like I am loser lol. I don't have anything to say really. I am not just sitting around, I have basketball practice twice a week plus games. I have Character First on Wednesdays, and I also work in the nursery. I have You Grow on Monday nights, and something going on almost every weekend. With the holidays coming up there will be endless get togethers with family and friends. Birthdays.....lots of birthdays. Still, with all this, I can't tell 'those people' anything besides my, "Mooching off my parents and trying to catch a man." I am serious though, there is no way I am going to be forced into doing something that is not God's will just because people think I should be going to college or getting another job. So there! :p

I have a head feels like it is filled with cotton. I have Character First tomorrow, yippee. My poor kids, (Character First kids lol), I may just let 'Mr. Ben' teach by himself :D.
I am going to take NyQuil, and try to write a few paragraphs. Ciao :)

be free

P.S. This is my new favorite song. It is A-mazing! It is by Tenth Avenue North, and I would highly recommend their new CD.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?

I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

Thursday, November 6, 2008


Sorry it has been so long, I really have been incredibly busy. Also, because of this paragraph job, by the time I get done with those I am tired of writing.
Some people have been on me about posting so I am, hope your happy :p

My thoughts have felt all jumbled up lately, which is another reason I have not posted. I usually have been thinking about something and feel like I have something to share. That has not been the case, I feel like I am being pulled a thousand diffent ways. I never think about the same thing twice. I have a hard enough time reading the bible and praying, much less 'being still' and listening for God's voice. I have so much going on, and so many problems I find myself worrying about over and over again. I have been thinking what is peace? Real peace, not just laying down at night and forcing myself to pray and give it all to God.
Does God give me peace? Or does it have something to do with me? Do I just need to accept it, or am I doing something that is preventing me from experienceing peace?
I can feel myself getting frustrated and sad thinking about this. What am I supposed to do? I want to do something. I know that God is with me, I can feel His presence, but I also feel like I have a wall of ice around my heart. That this wall is preventing me from feeling anything at all, I am just numb. Sometimes I think there is something to that whole bipolar thing, I swing from one emotion to the other so fast I am scaring myself.
The weird thing is I think that God is causing me to feel this way on purpose. I am supposed to learn something from this. What is the question. I honestly do not see what it is.
I keep hearing one word;


Not an easy thing for me, I will be the first to admit that I am a control freak. Not in a super obsessive way, but I definitly like to control the things I do and feel.

Please pray that I will just place everything at the foot of the cross, and remember that I do not have to go through things alone. I also know that God never gives us more then we can handle.

Be Free

He is my Light and my Salvation
Whom have I to fear
In His secret place I'll hide and pray
That I might hear a simple word

O, how I would have despaired
If You had not come found me there
I can lean against Your throne and find my Peace
Find my Peace

And when my enemies draw near
I pray that they will findCheck Spelling
That I'm protected and secure
All tempests He will bind with a mighty word

O, how I would have despaired
If You had not come found me there
I can lean against Your throne and find my Peace
Find my Peace

He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fear?

Peace by Jennifer Knapp

Tuesday, November 4, 2008