Tuesday, November 18, 2008

sound of my breaking heart

How is it that when I feel broken is when I feel God the most. You would think that broken is bad. When something breaks I am sad, sad that it is unusable and that I have lost that thing.
Not so with my heart. When my heart is broken is when I am the most usable. When myself is out of the way and I can hear God's voice.
It is amazing the view from a state of brokenness. A state where I know that I am not all that. It is when I am myself, when I am prideful and selfish, that I get in so much trouble. The choices I make in the things I do and say, are purely self motivated. There is nothing about them that is righteous, or holy.

I had a first last night, and I know that as I get older I will be having more and more of these. For the first time I wanted to go home, my real home. As I sat there listening, with so many thoughts going through my head, I wanted, for the first time, for Jesus to come back. Now I have thought that I would be okay with Jesus coming back for a long time, but have never actually wished it would happen right then. I felt this longing to go to heaven, I did not care about not doing great things with my life, or getting my first kiss, or leading millions to Jesus, or getting married, or going to Europe, or holding my children. I just wanted to go to heaven, where there is no tears, no misunderstandings, no one offending or being offended. Where I could just worship my Lord, and be in eternal fellowship with the people I love.

So........I am still waiting. For something. Anything. I have not had a job for two months, and to be honest it really stinks. I am having a hard time trusting that this is really God's will for me right now. I cannot see how this would fit into any plan for my life. Why am I just sitting here? Surely there is something that I could be doing. But what? People keep asking me what I am doing, and now that I do not have a job it feels like I am loser lol. I don't have anything to say really. I am not just sitting around, I have basketball practice twice a week plus games. I have Character First on Wednesdays, and I also work in the nursery. I have You Grow on Monday nights, and something going on almost every weekend. With the holidays coming up there will be endless get togethers with family and friends. Birthdays.....lots of birthdays. Still, with all this, I can't tell 'those people' anything besides my, "Mooching off my parents and trying to catch a man." I am serious though, there is no way I am going to be forced into doing something that is not God's will just because people think I should be going to college or getting another job. So there! :p

I have a cold........my head feels like it is filled with cotton. I have Character First tomorrow, yippee. My poor kids, (Character First kids lol), I may just let 'Mr. Ben' teach by himself :D.
I am going to take NyQuil, and try to write a few paragraphs. Ciao :)

be free

P.S. This is my new favorite song. It is A-mazing! It is by Tenth Avenue North, and I would highly recommend their new CD.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?

I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name


Britt and Lauren said...

I seriously got tears in my eyes when I was reading the part about Jesus coming back. I know how you feel. I really and truly was there. It sounds like my life all over again. I was without a job for 3 months. I had no clue what I was goign to do with my life and how it was going to happen. Looking back I could have never seen the whole picture. But...looking back I would say that wha tyou have to do is take one step at a time, one door at a time as God directs you. He WILL direct you! I am confident!

L.s.R said...

I understand what you are feeling. But I have come to realize, through prayer and talking to my dad, that there is nothing wrong with adding actions to your prayers(like looking for jobs, sending in applications, going to school). If it is not God's will, he will close the door, and you just move on to the next thing. Like Lo said, I know God will direct you, and I will be praying for you!

Whitney said...

I totally understand your situation, and I am now there. I love you and I am here for you, not that I could help much, but if you ever want to just hang let me know.

You brought tears to my eyes, Thanks Noel for sharing your heart.

Love ya