Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A sabbatical

That is where I have been. It sounds much better than 'way too busy to do anything but the most basic things and survive until a time when I can catch my breath and start doing things like this again.' See what I mean?
Even now, as I am taking the time to do this, I see a huge pile of clothes to put up, invitations to finish, papers to go through, and a room to clean.
Such is life. And right now my life consists of wedding plans, house remodel, and talking about Jesus to anyone I can find. Oh, and a wonderful fiancé, but that goes with the wedding part.
Did I just say wedding?? I did, didn't I? I am getting married. In a little over a month. It feels completely unreal..... Until I see the dress hanging in my closet, the invitations being sent out, and a house that will soon be mine.
What an overwhelming sense of 'this cannot be happening to me', coupled with, 'how am I so blessed?'
If you have a moment pray for me, I know that is selfish in a way, but I could use God's peace and wisdom right now. I have no idea what I am doing :) its great!
be free

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

the sirens call

There is one thing that we all have in common.
No matter where we live or what we do.
An emotion that everyone has experienced, whether or not they have always been loved, or had their heart broken.
A period in time that for a split second there is unity in something that actually causes the opposite of unity.


But mostly alone.
Everyone thinks it.
Maybe at home, school, work, even with friends.
You think that you are the only one going through something, or that feels something, or thinks something.
Your thoughts start with;
I am they only one....
No one has ever....
No one understands....
Why am I.....

The very thing that we all have in common makes us feel alone.

God has made some pretty hefty promises about this.
Promises that would be impossible for anyone else to keep.
But, God can. He WILL never leave me. He will never forsake me. He will ALWAYS work things out for my own good.
Fact; I am never alone.

We had a very interesting discussion in class tonight, it was really good.
And it sparked this train of thought, that led to a conclusion that I have never thought of before.....
We were talking about our sin nature, and why God doesn't take it away when He saves us?
It would be so much easier if there was not that constant struggle every single day between what is right and what is wrong. If I was not constantly battling my flesh, if I automatically chose the right response. Without even thinking.
God saved me, from my sins, but I think that He saves me every day from my FLESH. Which might be where the whole 'work out your salvation with fear and trembling' thing might come in.......
If God was to take away that battle, would it be a cop out? Does God love me too much to give me the easy way? Would I feel as close to God if I didn't have to work for it? And do things that I am just given ever mean as much as the things that take effort?
(On a complete side note; From God's perspective; what would be the purpose of creating something that didn't need you? That didn't require your involvement every day on a consistent basis? Isn't that the whole reason of creation?)
My conclusion (so far) is this; I (we) choose to sin, it only makes sense that we have to CHOOSE to be holy.
That is just.
And there is no excuse, everyone chooses to sin, no matter who they are. We even keep choosing wrong AFTER we know the Truth.
How disgusting is that?
The truth is, if I choose to look at it this way (wow, there is that word again, choose), every struggle is an opportunity to love God. To serve Him. By making that right choice, and using the Holy Spirit's power to make it through the obstacles.
Another fact; there IS evil in the world, nothing can change that. Again, we made that choice.
God, in His mercy, provides us with everything we need to defeat it. Starting, and ending, with ourselves.

I am all-theology-ed out.
That is quite a bit of deep thinking for so late :)
Have a blessed week, give evil a swift kick in the pants from me.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Penny for Your Thoughts

My thoughts are worth more than that, just in the fact that I have so many.
Though I think that they (thoughts)  are often like beauty, their value is attached by the individual, not as a collective whole. Some people's thoughts are more important to me than others, and I'm sure it works the other way around as well.
Many of my thoughts have generated out of the last few weeks, and what I have discovered is that a change of routine does much to change how or what I think about.
I love my routine, I think most people do. They have a certain way of doing things, in a certain order. Sure, we all like a little adventure, or surprise, but only a little, when we expect it.
My routine is drastically changed from what it was, say 4 months ago. I got a job; the biggest thing. It also feels like God is changing my whole paradigm, or world view. The priorities that I used to have are changing, the things I felt so strongly called to are shifting. And not even anything big being put in their place, just a feeling of wait. Be cautious, step back, let other people do that.
I am not really a wait, step back, let other people do that kind of girl.
Maybe that is why this is happening.........Silly I know.
Praying for the grace to accept changes, because I know the reason of the hope that I have within me.

be free

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Life is not Fair.

The very word makes my backbone stiffen.
I realize that life is not fair, I have heard that my whole life.
But when I see people treating other people in a way that is not right it makes me angry, and sad.
Partiality is one part of this. The definition of partiality is: Unfair bias in favor of one thing or person compared with another; favoritism. 
I have seen this more and more lately, and I don't know what to do.
Do I address it? Ignore it? Hope it goes away? CAN I do anything? Change anything? Is it my place? Do people even realize they are showing partiality? 
Some of the people that I see who are doing this are not meaning to. They are not purposely excluding people, but it is happening none the less.
It has been so encouraging to see the change in focus, in my own heart and other, off of ourselves and to the lost and seeking them out.
The danger in this is getting so focused on the mission that you forget the people.
The body of Christ, your brothers and sisters who are just as important. We are called to build each other up, encourage each other, and watch out for everyone.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
- 1 John 4:7-12

In closing; (and on a lighter note) I found this picture as I was searching for the definition of partiality on Google, I happened to push the images and this is what came up. Enjoy :)

Be free, and love one another!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

tears are falling. hearts are breaking.

How we need to hear from God.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the world.

What I know seems very small compared to all of the fear, doubt, and confusion that surrounds me.
So many people are lost.

"For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked." Revelations 3:17

This, to me, accurately describes many of the attitudes that are popular in our culture.
The superman complex.
I don't need you, I don't need anyone, or anything, I can take care of myself.
All lies.
We desperately need a Savior.
I get so caught up the mundane. In the the everyday, and even in the 'church'.
When, in reality, its really quite simple. I need Jesus. So does everyone else. Its my job to tell them, and live my life in such a way that I am a living testimony to the love and power of God.

In closing I will say that I realize that it has been two full months since I posted, and yes, I am ashamed of myself. I will TRY to do better, no promises haha.

be free, live LOUD

Thursday, March 10, 2011

order; the balm of my life

Chaos; turns me into a nervous, raging, stressed out shell of myself.

I can not emphasize how important order is to me.
Some people have called me a neat freak, or OCD (which really should be CDO)

I don't care about the label, I'm not a jar of pickles.
I am just a girl who likes things to have a place and be there, the last part is especially important.
Have I mentioned lately that God has a sense of humor?
He put me, the neat freak, in a family of 7 boys. Took away my sisters, made my mom incapacitated til May, and those 7 brothers have no brains.
I walk through the house and instantly I feel my shoulders tense. The chaos that surrounds me is depressing. 
Sure, I can do something about it, but it only last for an hour or so.
Ha. Funny one.

No solution is presenting itself to me at the present moment.
I will be away from home more starting next week, but that will make it worse, not better.

So, I sit here. With my glass of lemonade, and my computer. Wishing for a fairy, or a bomb. Either would work.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

life ripples


In schedules, relationships, habits, thoughts, ect.
I feel like my life can be separated into stages.
The child stage.
Tween stage.
Young adult stage.
And the 'Now stage'.

I am moving from the young adult stage to the next. Whatever it might be called.
And all of the change that is involved in that.
One of the hardest things for me is feeling like the exact same person while everything around me seems different.
In my own my mind I am not 'ready', whatever that means exactly. Like I should be able to choose what changes I want and when.
I don't even want that, when I think about it.
Too much responsibility and pressure. *shudder*

I have always been grateful for having been born a girl. God knew what He was doing :)

be free

Thursday, February 10, 2011

My Great Romance

He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.

He really loves me.
Forever and throughout all of eternity.

And this is best kind of romance, the greatest love story ever told.
Where the Hero gives everything for the girl, who is held captive by the most evil villain in all of time, history and space.
There is no getting to know each other, or debate over 'is this the right one?'
There is no one else, no other champion or savior.
No one that can save me from sin. Or myself.

Only Him.
And no one else.

In return for all of me, He promises to take care of me, to bless and protect me. To never forsake me.
He will always listen, always understand, and never back away.
When it feels like my world is falling apart His arms are there, holding me up, His hand stroking my hair, and His strong but gentle voice reassures me that He has everything under control.
There is no one stronger, more tender, or all powerful.

No one judges me in this relationship, or think its weird that He goes everywhere I go.
No one questions my loyalty, or thinks that I love Him more than I do them. Because I do, and its okay.

And even though He is continually breaking my heart I don't feel betrayed.
In my brokenness there is healing, and my love for Him is multiplied.

We never grow tired of each other's company, or run out of things to say.
He writes amazing love letters, and I try to sing Him songs.
He paints me pictures, in the sunset, and I am blown away.

I have forgotten Him, stood Him up, left Him, ignored Him, betrayed Him, disobeyed Him, and yelled at Him.
He doesn't care.
He forgives me, fights for me, takes me back, protects me, pursues me, and never ever stops loving me.

If there ever was an unconditional love this is it.
If there ever was a perfect fairy tale, this is it.
If there ever was anyone more undeserving, I am her.

Song of the Captive Princess

Would You open up my eyes
And show me the light
Take me away from this place
Would You open up my eyes and show me the light
'Cause I cannot make it alone
I need You, I need You
I need you, yes I need You
To free me
-shawn mcdonald

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

whispers of violet.

Yawning, I stretch as much as I can in the driver's seat of my little grey car.
My eyes feel itchy and tired.
It had been a long day, made even longer by the numbing headache that has been my constant companion.
Watching the road, intent on getting home, where food and bed awaits me, my mind wanders. Thoughts from the day, and feelings of pity for myself were the main themes.
I happen to glance up, heading West, and my breath catches.
The color starts on the left, light peach mixes with a blushing pink, spreading across the sky to the orange center.
To the right whispers of violet, etched in clouds, feather across the sky. The purple hue blending to blue then back to violet again.
My fingers itch for my camera, or a paintbrush (obviously forgetting that they have never painted a decent picture). Every part of my being longing to capture the beauty that is in front of me.
I sigh. Overwhelmed by the delicate, but awe-inspiring grace of the sunset.
As the seconds tick by the sky changes, subtle but sure. The pink fades, the violet slowly disappears into the blueish black of night.
In less than 5 minutes I experienced one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, and just like that it was gone.
Slipped away, to the other side of the world.
But, captured in my heart and memory.
The thing I kept pondering was the fact that the sunset happens everyday, just like the sun rises, and the stars 'come out'.
It is a constant.
And God made it beautiful.
Not only does He make it beautifully colorful, with light and shadows. But He makes it different every single time, no sunset is the same as any time the sun has set before it.
Every time the sun slips behind the horizon it displays a depth of creativity, and a passion for beauty.
God loves beauty. Even in things that seem not to matter.
I try to imagine this part of His nature, coupled with His power, and knowledge, His sense of justice and jealousy of anything or anyone that might take away from that.
It is difficult. I know that God is not some sissy, artistic type, that talks with a lisp and doesn't like to hurt trees.
He is strong, brave, righteous, holy, full of honor, worthy of reverence and fear, who in the old testament killed whole families for the indiscretion of one man.
He is kind, loving, merciful, full of grace, passionate, gentle, understanding, a painter of sunsets, grower of flowers, nurturing, who loves children and cares about little birds.
I don't know how He fits all of that together, how all of that exists in Him, but it does.
He is.
All of that. And so much more.
Anything I can try to say about Him falls so short.

My last thought, for this post, is;
If this is the God I serve, and I believe that it is, then my only response can be total and complete surrender.
The only appropriate worship and adoration being to spend my whole life knowing Him, falling more in love with Him, and abandoning everything in order to follow Him.

be abandoned, *to God*

Thursday, February 3, 2011

snow. snow. snow. snow!

Snowed in.
At first it was lovely.
Beautiful white scenery, time to rest and spend with family.
I had this this idea of getting things done that I have been putting off..........but, I only accomplished a few.
Oh well.
I have caught up on sleep, read, spent time with family, and stalked this amazing blog for hours.
Last night I caught a baking bug and made these scones;

Very easy to make, recipe here

I was quite pleased with the results. (as you can see)

No laughing. This is me; in all my natural glory hehe.
I'm trying to be more productive today, so far I've cleaned the bathrooms, hung up my clothes......I've had a thought about mopping the floors, but we'll see if I get that far :P

be free

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Big, Beautiful, Blue Sky

Such a beautiful day
Not a cloud in the sky
And to think that some days
All I can wonder is why?
This is not one of those days
Because as I stare into the sky
That beautiful blue doesn't ask 'why?'
Somehow, some way
I have all of my answers
Like where to go, what to do,
And why do people die of cancer
Those answers might not be
The ones you would expect
But, God is in control
And I do not have to worry about
"What is next?"

Friday, January 21, 2011

'A dream is a wish your heart makes'

I usually do not agree with most things 'Disney', but I think they may have gotten this one right.

The only thing thing they missed is how much it hurts for that dream to not become reality.

It is hard.

There is an ache in the center of my chest, and my eyes burn with unshed tears.
Which I know are the first of many.

I have rarely experienced the strength of emotions that I have experienced in connection to Africa.
The nations and people have stolen my heart, and I will never be the same.
Because of this I want to go back again, and again, and again.
My honest thought was that I was going again this year, to Uganda and Rwanda.
I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. All through September, October, November, and December. Waiting for an answer. For a 'Yes' or 'No'.
All I heard was wait.
I have tried many times to hear that yes, to make something seem like 'a sign'. But I knew that it never was.

Until recently.

It is hard to describe the wrestling of my spirit and flesh, the tears, cries, confusion, and even anger.
I am convinced that it is 'No'.
And this breaks my heart.
I want to go.
To know that I will be missing so much.
The joy of the pastors.
The laughter of children.
The passion and boldness of preachers, evangelists, and people like me, only in a different country.
Holding beautiful babies.
Sharing Jesus with students, so open and ready.
Seeing myself change in ways I never thought possible.
Being part of something so much bigger than myself. A team.

Right now I'm not sure what I am feeling.
But hopefully soon I will have the peace that I know will come.
letting go,

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Of Change and Owls.

To be honest the thought of a 'new year' scares me.
Though, it is not much different than 2010.
The thing I am actually afraid of is change.
I. Do. Not. Like. Change.

Which might be a problem at this point in my life, because it feels like EVERYTHING is changing.
Many times I have the feeling that my whole life is up in the air, bouncing around, not knowing when something is going to fall into place.
Or like I am in a room with doors all around me and I keep trying to find one that fits the key I have, but I can't.
I don't even know if I have the right key, or am in the correct room.

To use the words of a sweet girl I know, 'I have a problem.' Or, should I say, another problem.
You see I have this personality trait, of wanting to make everyone happy.
Now, this is different than caring about what people think of me, because to be honest I really do not. But I do want the people I love and respect to be happy, with me.
The problem is, of course, is that I can NEVER make everyone happy.
It just isn't possible.
I also do not like to disappoint people. I have always been a 'good girl', I follow the rules, am responsible, and do what is expected of me.
But lately it seems as though it is becoming harder and harder to do what is expected of me, or what people think I should do.
Everyone has an opinion, or a piece of advice to share.
I can not listen to everyone.

I did apply for a job yesterday.
I, Mirage Noel Boyd, filled out my very first job application. It was scary. I almost wanted to snatch it back out of the lady's hands. . . . . . . What if they don't call me? Or I get an interview, and I'm not hired? No one likes rejection, and I feel almost vulnerable right now.

The next 2 months are going to be crazy busy with basketball, mission day, sunday school, fish club, and a job (hopefully).
I suspect that the rest of my life will be just as busy. (Heaven sounds good right about now)

I am hopefully getting a new phone soon, and I picked out a cover today, it made me laugh;
I think its cute :)

Well...............That is about all I have to say.
I am sure that in the next 20 minutes I will have 37 other thoughts race through my brain, but I'll deal with that later hehe.

be free (hoooo, hoooo)