Wednesday, May 28, 2008

broken & on the floor

Wow, God has really been working on me. Just when I thought I was doing pretty good, lol. He has been showing me how prideful I am, how self-righteous and how much I rely on my-self. I've known I probably had more pride than I should for a long time, but this past week, and really the last few days, God has shown me, through my passport situation, that I am nothing, can do nothing without Him.
I like to get things done, I enjoy making lists and crossing off each thing as I complete it. I like to do things my-self so it will get done right. But when there is nothing I can do about a situation it makes me very uncomfortable, and I will do whatever I can to some how gain some sort of control.
And because of that personality trait I have a hard time trusting people, and especially trusting God. Which is really quite stupid, because He is GOD, the GOD, Creator of the universe, Alpha and Omega, My Savior, My Abba.
He wants the best for me, ALWAYS. So why is it so hard for me to let go, and give it to Him? (figuratively speaking, its already His) I don't know.
But last night, lying in bed, I surrendered and gave 'it' (my Africa trip, and basically the rest of my life) to Him. Now, I can't say that I felt an immediate peace, like they talk about, but I do know that every time I've started worrying I stop, and give it back to Him. Its His trip, if He wants me to go I will, if He wants me to stay I will. So whats the use worrying? There is none.
Its not easy, worrying is like a bad habit, maybe if I think about it long enough, and hard enough something will change. It will be a daily struggle, but in the end I truly believe that I will find peace, and that is really all I want.

My Heart is Broken and My Pride is on the Floor

Psalm 51 :17
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

tired, but a good tired

I had an amazing time on the Character Focus trip to Arkansas, I was able to serve, fellowship, worship, minister, and got incredibly blessed spiritually. I will never forget it, I think I'm going to have the most amazing summer ever, and I don't think I'll ever be the same again. Thanks for everyone's prayers while we were gone, you are the real heroes. And of course the trip wouldn't have been so much fun if not for the people, I love ALL of you!!! I count you among my closest friends.
Its hard to get back into the 'real' world, though some would argue that it was the real world and the one we live right now is fake. Anyway, I just wish there was some way to experience that everyday, but I guess than it would be mundane....or not. Although, if we have the right attitude we can experience God everyday, in so many different wasys, through so many different things. I'm getting excited just thinking about it!!!! How many times do we let the mundane things in life take away our expectation of something incredible happening? If we are looking for God to show Himself, He will. But so many times we just run right past Him, calling luck, or timing, or even saying blessed but not really thinking and taking the time to praise God for it.
Well, there is my 20 cents for the day lol. I got a little carried away, but it is something to think about.
Still praying about my passport, I called the agency today and they said that it was still 'proccessing' whatever that means, and that there really wasn't anything they could do.
I will trust in God, if He wants me to go I will. really.
be free

Prov. 3:5,6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways aknowledge Him
And He will direct your paths

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

freaking, but trusting in God

I'm getting a little nervous about my passport........
I know that God is in control, but I keep stressing about it. Its like what I know and what I think aren't going together. *deep breath*
So, this week was crazy fun, on Mon. I went to the health department and waited for 3 hours to get my shot records from when I was a baby to send to the passport office, to prove I was born here, (I think it would have been easier to send them a picture proving I wasn't mexican, but....)
And while we were there I got my tetnus shot, (my first shot ever! that I can remember), than that night we had our last YOUGROW *sniff*
Thur. I went and got my yellow fever shot, and got a typhoid vaccination that I have to take 4 pills every other day, and if I forget I have to start all over again.
On Fri. was the start of the OCHEC convection, and what a LONG day, to have 8 kids for 9 hours.........well, by the end of the day it wasn't pretty, :(
Fri. night some of us, (Rachel, Whitney, Maria, Lauren and I) rented a room at the training center, so we had fun, just hanging out and watching movies.
Sat. it started all over again, I was so tired starting the day and it just got worse. 5 finally rolled around (the time when the kids LEFT!!!), and I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, when Brandon asks me and Megan to take care of the kids whose parents were late..................yeah, thats what I felt too.
And than after a few minutes Megan leaves, so I'm there with about 10 kids..........they're all still alive I promise you, by the grace of God. And I think most of them may still even like me.
Sun. I had a basketball banquet that my family set-up and cooked for, it was tiring.
And Mon. was our Liberty basketball alumni game, that I had not got in anything resembling shape (except maybe round) for. We did win!!! That was exciting, but at a personal cost; very sore back and shoulders, huge bruise on hip where I stopped AD from getting a lay-up and got rammed into the wall, and bruise on jaw where Kayla's head somehow connected when going for a loose ball.
I hope this satisfies SOME people who have given me a hard time (*coughjoncough*) about not posting. I have told you everything I can think of..........almost, some things are best kept off the internet ;)
be free