Wednesday, May 28, 2008

broken & on the floor

Wow, God has really been working on me. Just when I thought I was doing pretty good, lol. He has been showing me how prideful I am, how self-righteous and how much I rely on my-self. I've known I probably had more pride than I should for a long time, but this past week, and really the last few days, God has shown me, through my passport situation, that I am nothing, can do nothing without Him.
I like to get things done, I enjoy making lists and crossing off each thing as I complete it. I like to do things my-self so it will get done right. But when there is nothing I can do about a situation it makes me very uncomfortable, and I will do whatever I can to some how gain some sort of control.
And because of that personality trait I have a hard time trusting people, and especially trusting God. Which is really quite stupid, because He is GOD, the GOD, Creator of the universe, Alpha and Omega, My Savior, My Abba.
He wants the best for me, ALWAYS. So why is it so hard for me to let go, and give it to Him? (figuratively speaking, its already His) I don't know.
But last night, lying in bed, I surrendered and gave 'it' (my Africa trip, and basically the rest of my life) to Him. Now, I can't say that I felt an immediate peace, like they talk about, but I do know that every time I've started worrying I stop, and give it back to Him. Its His trip, if He wants me to go I will, if He wants me to stay I will. So whats the use worrying? There is none.
Its not easy, worrying is like a bad habit, maybe if I think about it long enough, and hard enough something will change. It will be a daily struggle, but in the end I truly believe that I will find peace, and that is really all I want.

My Heart is Broken and My Pride is on the Floor
~noel~

Psalm 51 :17
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

8 comments:

Whitney said...

hey Noel thanks for the post. I have been struggling lately with trusting God too. although mine is not about a passport:) I will still be praying, and I could use your prayers as well love see ya tonight.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Noel. It sounded like you were talking about me, too! It's nice to know other people have that problem. Thanks for being open...that is encouraging to others. I'm proud of you!
Lauren M

Tammi said...

Amen I am so excited to hear that. that has been my prayer that He is in control, and if it is His will for you to go to Africa it will happen, other wise He has a better plan and His plan is always better than ours. Just know in your heart that He is in control and has a reason for whatever takes place. I will continue praying for you.

Leslie said...

Yea Noel dear heart. I heard about your passport. Mom told me today on the phone. I can not imagine what your heart feels like and I will be praying for you! God must have something in mind that is for sure!!!
Luv ya

Brandon and Rachael said...

That is so true! Peace is not normally an instant response when we give something to God that we truly love. Why? Because He wants us to anchor our hope in the cross.

Think about the cross; God's Son was being murrdered by evil men. Everything happened so fast that I am sure it seemed like God was totally out of control! Yet now we see a beautiful picture of a Savior paying our sin debt for us through His matchless love. God was painting on a bigger canvas than they could see.

God has a reason for this. Continue to seek Him and His peace... He will not disapoint!

Anchor yourself and your hopes to the cross. There, you will find humility.

Praying for you,
-Brandon

Amy L. Burk said...

I'm really proud of you Noel! I know that is a hard place to come too, and I know the Lord is pleased. That is already one thing the Lord has taught you, now if you can trust the Lord the rest of your life instead of stressing and worying about it, wouldn't it be worth it! Stay encouraged, God loves you dearly!

Anonymous said...

Hey just to let you know i never really thought of giving god control of like worrying its kinda stupid that we just cant trust in him and live in total peace but now this will be my prayer and something i need to work on!

Whitney said...

my dear, I think it is time for you to post.