Wow, God has really been working on me. Just when I thought I was doing pretty good, lol. He has been showing me how prideful I am, how self-righteous and how much I rely on my-self. I've known I probably had more pride than I should for a long time, but this past week, and really the last few days, God has shown me, through my passport situation, that I am nothing, can do nothing without Him.
I like to get things done, I enjoy making lists and crossing off each thing as I complete it. I like to do things my-self so it will get done right. But when there is nothing I can do about a situation it makes me very uncomfortable, and I will do whatever I can to some how gain some sort of control.
And because of that personality trait I have a hard time trusting people, and especially trusting God. Which is really quite stupid, because He is GOD, the GOD, Creator of the universe, Alpha and Omega, My Savior, My Abba.
He wants the best for me, ALWAYS. So why is it so hard for me to let go, and give it to Him? (figuratively speaking, its already His) I don't know.
But last night, lying in bed, I surrendered and gave 'it' (my Africa trip, and basically the rest of my life) to Him. Now, I can't say that I felt an immediate peace, like they talk about, but I do know that every time I've started worrying I stop, and give it back to Him. Its His trip, if He wants me to go I will, if He wants me to stay I will. So whats the use worrying? There is none.
Its not easy, worrying is like a bad habit, maybe if I think about it long enough, and hard enough something will change. It will be a daily struggle, but in the end I truly believe that I will find peace, and that is really all I want.
My Heart is Broken and My Pride is on the Floor
Psalm 51 :17
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.