Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hard Things.

I don't know the meaning of the word 'hard'.
All of my life I have been sheltered, pampered, taken care of, protected and given the easy way.
I don't know what it is like to;
have lost a close relative.
have only one parent.
had my heart broken.
been hungry.
little or no physical pain.
been without sleep for long.
felt totally alone.
had a serious sickness.
experienced something traumatic.
watched a loved one suffer.
done something that has effected my whole life, for worse.

Sure I have done things wrong (many, many things wrong), have hurt myself and others, been sick, had someone die, etc.........But nothing like things that many other's have experienced.
And I have to ask the question, because I'm sure many of you are wondering this very thing, why me??
Why have I been so blessed?
There are people that I come in contact with every single day that are hurting, suffering, feeling completely alone, without hope, desperate, empty, and lost. Maybe not all of those, but some of those feelings are present in most people.

This is heartbreaking.
I can literally feel my heart aching as I think about this.

I find it very ironic that as I am writing this we get a call that my brother Daniel was in a car accident and is on his way to the hospital.
He is fine, just banged up some........A little scared, but proud of his adventure (boys!)

Again, I am blessed. Beyond measure. Undeserving, and seldom am I as grateful as I should be.

Thankful; that God gives me many opportunities to see my blessings, and hurt for other people.
Hoping; that I will continue to be grateful for what I have, and that when tragedies come I will turn to God.
Trusting; that the Lord will continue to grow me in this area, and keep my eyes open to hurting, lost, desperate people.
Praying; all the time. for peace, love, and patience. and healing, for so many broken hearts.


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

simple pleasures.

Such a lovely word.
I like simple things, clean spaces, and quiet moments.
And most often it is the little things that make me happy.
Like this corner of my room, every time I see it, it is like taking a deep breath and letting it all out.

Monday, August 23, 2010

My Coffin

'To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell.' C.S. Lewis

I have lived for 21 years ashamed of my vulnerability, trying to keep my heart locked up.
Partly because this is natural, and partly because that is what I thought I was supposed to do, what I had been taught to do. To take my heart and keep it safe, sharing it with no one, keeping all emotions at bay.
This made me aloof, seemingly uncaring, insensitive, having no compassion, prideful, and safe in my 'coffin of selfishness'.
Is this life?? Keeping anyone and anything out that might hurt me?
I don't think so.
Reading Bible stories I can't find many hero's or heroine's who did this. All of the Godly men and women that I look up to are incredibly vulnerable, giving everything to minister to just one person. Or thousands.
And isn't Jesus the very epitome of vulnerability? I mean the God-man Himself had no where to even lay His head! No home, His family didn't believe in Him, the very men that should have known that He was the Savior brought about His death, He gave of Himself to everyone, and He made the greatest sacrifice that anyone has ever made; He suffered, separated Himself from His very own Father, and died a shameful death. Jesus didn't even know the meaning of the word HIDE. He hid nothing. He gave everything. And He is asking me to do the same.
He is asking you to do the same.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

fear. panic. terror. fright. dread. alarm. dismay. apprehension. concern.

I have struggled with these things my whole life.
They are part of my daily routine.
I wake up, I brush my teeth, I make my bed, I put on my fears.
Rational fears. Irrational fears. Doesn't really matter, they all go in my mind and start dictating my words, thoughts, and actions.
And the longer I live the more things I find to be afraid of......

breaking a bone.
having a wreck.
losing something important.
disappointing the people around me.
being late.
spiders in my bed.
damaging a relationship.
someone I love dying.
not having the right answer.
hurting my family.
losing a friend.
making the wrong decision and ruining my life.
not following the Spirit and losing the opportunity to be a light.
damaging my witness.
being alone. forever.
missing the chance to be who God wants me to be.
cracking an egg and cutting my thumb off.
public speaking.
having a broken heart.
losing hope.
living my life without peace.
never knowing the full extent of what God has for me.

Isn't that ridiculous????
In less then ten minutes I came up with a HUGE list of things I am afraid of, and I know better.
I believe, with all my heart, that God's word is true, and He has something to say about fear;

'Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear, though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord FOREVER. All the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord, and to seek Him in His temple.' Psalms 27:2-4

'God is refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we WILL NOT FEAR, though the earth give way, and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.' Ps. 46:1-2

'So do not fear, for I am with you,; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' Isaiah 41:10

'For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' Romans 8:15

'There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear.' 1 John 4:18

By the mercy and grace of my Abba I will find peace, His love will cast out my fear, and will have courage and boldness to do the right thing.
Until then, because I know this is a constant struggle, a battle with my flesh, I will be secure in the fact that He loves me. Treasures me. Holds me. And catches each tear that falls.