Sunday, October 31, 2010


I have always used this word to describe certain types of moods or feelings.
But today someone did not know what I meant, and this made me wonder if anyone else is sheltered in this way. And if so, then I would like to enlighten them.

To begin with, this word is actually in the dictionary, but I am not talking about the 'ghastly smell' part, or the 'cowering with fear'. The kind of funk I am referring to is 'a depressed state', though in my opinion it means more then being depressed.

Today I was in such a state, of being in a funk.
I felt.........strange. numb. easily irritated. apathetic.
Not mad.
Not sad.
Not happy.
Not anything.

This happens to me occasionally, but today I had absolutely no reason for it.
I could not think of one single thing to 'pin' the blame on.
Which only added to the frustration.

I finally 'decided' that joy is a choice.
Along with love, trust, faith, and pretty much everything else in life.

Choosing to do the right thing, or the wrong.
It is my choice.
What will I choose today? Or tomorrow? Or next week? Or in 5 years?
Of course all of my choices should be directed by God, for His glory and purpose.
Always remembering that my choices effect eternity, mine and other people's.

What an impossible responsibility.

I need you God.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

enough is enough, or is it?

I write whenever I need to get something out. I think that most girls talk about these things to other people, but I have a hard time expressing myself in the moment. Writing is how I can clearly articulate how I am feeling, and what I am thinking about.

Whenever life gets 'hard' I usually have this thought; I wish life could be simple again, like when I was younger.
And today I wondered if one of the reasons why life is harder now is because God is working on me, and my character.
The analogy of the clay and the potter has always been one of my favorites, and I can see it in my life.
I am the lumpy clay, and God is working out those lumps, one day at a time.
Some of those stupid lumps keep coming back, and at times I think I'm done and hop off of the wheel.
I think that God made us out of a special clay, because no matter how many times He puts me into the fire I'm not done, He throws a little water on me and gets back to smoothing and correcting.
The truth that 'I am not made for time, but for eternity', is very applicable here.
There would be no point to keep working on me if all of my worth and usefulness was on this earth, I am never going to be 'perfect'.
But in eternity, I will be the perfect vessel, full of Holiness and righteousness.

This sounds well and good, when I remember it.
But, alas!! We are a forgetful people.
And I must confess that so many times when I am feeling the pressure on my lumps I want to say; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I'm good enough, I'm tired of being worked on, I don't care if you have done wondrous things through me, I want my way, off of this table.

This pot needs an attitude adjustment. Maybe a good pounding, or two.

love and tears.

You know you love something when you would give up anything for that thing.
(to clarify, I am going to use 'thing' in place of a person, dreams, actual things, animals, etc)

Nothing else seems as important as the importance and well being of that thing.
Sometimes when you think about the thing you love an ache blossoms in the middle of your chest, and your throat gets clogged up.
Tears come easily in reference to this, whether of sadness, joy, or missingness.

I know that love is an action, but it also causes certain feelings and emotions.

Love is unconditional.
Meaning that you love without expecting anything in return.

This thought led me to thinking about my love for God.
I am still trying to process this, but it is breaking my heart; I don't love God unconditionally.
Yes, I love Him. But I expect things from Him. Such as; peace, blessings, protection, wisdom, direction, and, if I was being completely honest, I expect Him to make me happy.

Would I still love God if He didn't give me anything in return?
This is a sobering question.
I should.
I should love God because He loves me, He created me, and He sent His son to die; for ME.
That is enough.
That is more than enough.
More than anyone or anything else has EVER given me.

*from the mind of Noel Boyd