Monday, December 28, 2009

firstborn vs girly-girl

I'm alive. Barely.
Though I'm not sure anyone ever reads these ramblings of mine.
If you do, and have been worried about my silent state over the past week or so, I am dreadfully sorry. You see I have been deathly ill, or pretty near to it. I also may or may not have a flair for the dramatic, and in plain speech I have been sick, very sick.
Though hopefully this evening marks a turn for the better, and I do believe that my dear mother is making chicken noodle soup which should speed the healing process along.
I have learned some things through this terrible flu, (and I'm not even going to mention the word 'swine' *shudders*), of course I'm always learning, and take it upon myself to share with you these life lessons. Although I do believe that I write more for myself than anyone else.

Whenever you are sick you seem to have loads of time on your hands, with nothing to do but think. Of course alot of the time I was too miserable to think, but I did have one or two thoughts.

First; that I have a split personality. I'm not talking about a mental thing, or a bipolar whatever. Let me explain........One part of my personality likes to be in control. Is responsible, can take charge, is independent, not afraid. Remains calm and cool under pressure, and likes taking risks, adventurous. I call this my firstborn-leader-take charge personality.
The other part of my personality I call my girly-girl personality. This one comes out in alot of different situations, but mostly when I'm unsure, scared or with certain people. I'm a little timid, quiet, more than willing to let someone else make ALL the decisions and be 'in charge.' I enjoy being 'taken care of' and protected. Being alone is a fear, and not knowing who to trust scares me. I don't let people see this side of me very often, which isn't always a good thing I think. Working on it.

Second; I have always thought that I like being left alone when I was sick. This is not true! It sucks, and I will gladly accept any help from now on :)

Third; I have the best friend's in the whole world, and I miss them. I'm going stir crazy! I need OUT!!! *sigh* I don't like being cooped up.....though I couldn't go anywhere right now if I wanted - feeling and looking like death prevent me from doing such things.

Thats about it, and it probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense due to the fact that my train of thought isn't flowing properly and my memory has gaps in it.....(hint; please don't use anything I may have done or said in the past 3 days against me!!)

be free

Monday, December 21, 2009

{soli deo gloria}

For God's Glory Alone

Can you know something is the truth, and not believe it at the same time?

Belief is an action. Not a feeling, or a thought. What you believe is what you live out in your day to day life.

I am;







Trying. . . . . . Trying to be more than what I can be. The constant battle to push my'self' out, and fill that emptiness with Christ.

Where is the balance between; A) Giving up, because the task 'to be like Christ' is impossible. B) Becoming self righteousness and legalistic, forgetting about grace. C) Being 'satisfied' with how far you've come, pride basically. Or D) Focusing so much on 'fixing' yourself that you're scared to help other people, or witness, because you might do it wrong.

I confess that I swing between A and C. Quite a big swing actually, I find myself asking God to just take me home, cause I'm tired of trying, and heaven would just be easier. Than I look back to what I was like few years ago and start feeling good about myself, and how much I have grown.

Notice all of the "I's"???

Those are my root 'issues'......Stubborn, selfish, pride. Could they be any bigger? *rolls eyes*

If only I could somehow control my body/actions/words with a 5 min delay, or a 5 day delay. If I could just think through everything I did, than I could get it right more. But than I wouldn't need God as much.

Note to self; ANYTHING GOOD/RIGHT/HOLY/ACCEPTABLE/PURE/WISE/TRUTH that comes of out of you - Noel, is of GOD. period.

Had a revelation; (this is what I call those 'aha!' moments when God lets me see through His eyes for a little bit, and I actually 'get' it, what He is trying to show my dense self)
Did you know that God is not this huge judge sitting on a throne way above everyone just waiting to point out each and every little wrong thing we do? Its true!

I was sitting there thinking about all the things I have done wrong, and just expected this feeling of guilt and shame......but it never came. Instead I just had this overwhelming sense of love. That yes I have sinned, but God still loves me. And when He looks at me he doesn't see all of the bad things I have done, but rather through the blood of Jesus; clean, pure, holy.

Why? This blows my mind! How can I even begin to understand it......Tis impossible.
And yet, understanding is not the same as believing. And I truly believe that God loves me, so much!

In conclusion I shall share a quote that Megan and I wrote together;
Life is drama
Drama is what makes life not boring. What makes life not boring is also what makes it stressful.

be free

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

UN-failing love.

my heart is heavy.
thoughts spinning, climbing, weaving, whirling, plunging, going everywhere about everything.
I wish.
I don't know what I wish.
I don't know what I want
I don't know who I am.
I don't know who I am supposed to be.
I don't know where I am supposed to go.
what I am supposed to be doing.

what does that mean?
I use this so tritely.
I am holding onto my life with a death grip, my knuckles are white. I can feel it.
I'm not sure I can let go. I keep trying. Its not working.
words. all words.
words mean NOTHING.
actions being EVERYTHING.
Oh God.....
my heart is like stone. but still beating. still feeling. still wanting something more. more than life, more than little pieces of happiness strewn across a desert of heartbreak.
why doesn't my heart break for the things that break God's heart?
my selfishness and pride.
so many lost. hurting. needy. outcast. oppressed. sick. captive. deserted. confused. broken. dying.
yet, I can sit here with tears running down my face, and still in another hour or so I'll be right back where I started.
I. am. hurting.
I am confused.
I am dying.
I am taken captive.
I am broken.

God sees beauty in my brokenness.

Less of me. More of You, oh GOD!

The answer; to love and be loved by God alone.
This IS The Truth. Veritas. Amen.

broken before the Lord,

Beauty for ashes
A garment of praise
For my heaviness
Beauty for ashes
Take this heart of stone
And make it Yours
Trading all that I have for all that is better
(beauty for ashes)

Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You
And only You
Lord I want to yearn
Oh You give life and breath
Through Him You give all things
In Him we live and move
That's why I sing

Use me, break me, waste me on
You, Lord
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You
For to die is to live
To starve is to feast
And less of me is more of Jesus
Lord, I want it all
If I loose my life
I gain everything
(I want it all)

I've tried more of me
And I've come up dry
Trading You for things
Things that go away
My happiness is found in less
Of me and more of You
I have found the answer is
To love and be loved by You alone
You crucify me and the world to me
And I will only boast in You
I'm so satisfied
At the thought of You
Growing up in me
Covering everything
You are loved by me
(the answer)

How long, O Lord
Will You forget me?
How long, O Lord, will you hide?
Hide Your face from me
How long must I wrestle with me
And everyday have sorrow in my heart
I will wait on You
I will wait on You
I will wait on You
For I will trust in Your unfailing love
My heart rejoices in Your salvation
I will sing to the Lord
For He has been good to me
(Psalm 13)

-Shane and Shane

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

adding to the noise

'My Soul waits in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him.'
-Psalms 62:5

Waits. Silence. God only. Hope.


I have a problem with waiting; I don't like it. period. I like action, I want to do something. Say something. Or move on. Just sitting, doing nothing, is NOT my personality. at all. I give something 5 minutes, than move on to the next thing. Or at least do something ELSE while I'm waiting....But, just in case you haven't figured it out, God does NOT work that way.


If I have a hard time waiting, silence is even harder for me. First of all, I'm a girl and because of that I'm ALWAYS thinking, about something. Seriously, its annoying sometimes! I want to turn off my brain somehow, make it stop going around and around in circles......
That whole 'be still and know' thing gets me every time, I purpose to sit down and give God my undivided attention......but somehow unless I'm actually reading the Bible, or praying, I find it hard to clear my mind and focus on God for a long time. Something I need to work on.

God only.

So powerful. Just think about it; GOD. ONLY.
To use Dr.Tackett's example; I see my life as a box, and I put God outside of that box. I say He is the ONLY God, which is true, but I don't show that in my actions. I don't treat Him like my best friend, or Father, or bridegroom, or even Savior. I do not involve Him in the everyday routines of my life, only when I'm in trouble or happen to think about something I 'need'. Every time I think about this I feel so stupid. How can I treat Someone, who has given me everything, like nothing??


In my opinion, HOPE is one of the most powerful words in the English language. It is a small word, but can mean so many things. One of my favorite things is that it almost always implies something positive, if you have hope you have something to look forward and hold on to. Hope is hard to explain, it is not feeling or even really an action. It is somewhere in the middle. Hope pulls us forward. The power of hope is about change, something better that is in front of us.

This verse has been continually coming to mind for the past few weeks, and these are some thoughts I had.
I was worrying about something the other day and heard God whisper to my heart; "Trust, sweetheart. I love you more than you could ever imagine, and the plan I have for you is going to blow you mind."
How great is the LOVE of the Father!
And how beautiful is a broken heart in the sight of Him who loves me.

be free - be broken - be trusting -be hopeful - be silent -be loved (beloved)