Tuesday, December 15, 2009

UN-failing love.

my heart is heavy.
thoughts spinning, climbing, weaving, whirling, plunging, going everywhere about everything.
I wish.
I don't know what I wish.
I don't know what I want
I don't know who I am.
I don't know who I am supposed to be.
I don't know where I am supposed to go.
what I am supposed to be doing.

what does that mean?
I use this so tritely.
I am holding onto my life with a death grip, my knuckles are white. I can feel it.
I'm not sure I can let go. I keep trying. Its not working.
words. all words.
words mean NOTHING.
actions being EVERYTHING.
Oh God.....
my heart is like stone. but still beating. still feeling. still wanting something more. more than life, more than little pieces of happiness strewn across a desert of heartbreak.
why doesn't my heart break for the things that break God's heart?
my selfishness and pride.
so many lost. hurting. needy. outcast. oppressed. sick. captive. deserted. confused. broken. dying.
yet, I can sit here with tears running down my face, and still in another hour or so I'll be right back where I started.
I. am. hurting.
I am confused.
I am dying.
I am taken captive.
I am broken.

God sees beauty in my brokenness.

Less of me. More of You, oh GOD!

The answer; to love and be loved by God alone.
This IS The Truth. Veritas. Amen.

broken before the Lord,

Beauty for ashes
A garment of praise
For my heaviness
Beauty for ashes
Take this heart of stone
And make it Yours
Trading all that I have for all that is better
(beauty for ashes)

Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You
And only You
Lord I want to yearn
Oh You give life and breath
Through Him You give all things
In Him we live and move
That's why I sing

Use me, break me, waste me on
You, Lord
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You
For to die is to live
To starve is to feast
And less of me is more of Jesus
Lord, I want it all
If I loose my life
I gain everything
(I want it all)

I've tried more of me
And I've come up dry
Trading You for things
Things that go away
My happiness is found in less
Of me and more of You
I have found the answer is
To love and be loved by You alone
You crucify me and the world to me
And I will only boast in You
I'm so satisfied
At the thought of You
Growing up in me
Covering everything
You are loved by me
(the answer)

How long, O Lord
Will You forget me?
How long, O Lord, will you hide?
Hide Your face from me
How long must I wrestle with me
And everyday have sorrow in my heart
I will wait on You
I will wait on You
I will wait on You
For I will trust in Your unfailing love
My heart rejoices in Your salvation
I will sing to the Lord
For He has been good to me
(Psalm 13)

-Shane and Shane

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