......its something so beautiful, beautiful.
The crack of the sticks.....
The grunts of Someone holding in pain....
The jeers of lost souls.....
The knowledge that I DID THAT TO HIM......
Tears stream down my face, pooling in my hands.
Hands that are outstretched, palms up, surrendered.
I have thought about the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ many times, I've grown up in church, heard all the stories, watched all the movies.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I am rarely moved. I gloss over it, 'oh yeah, Jesus died for me, thank you Jesus!'.
How can I think that in any way repays HIM for what He did???
It does not.
I can not.
And the one thing He does ask of me, the thing that is already His, I don't even give that.
ME. All of me. Surrendered to Him, willingly, waiting to do whatever He asks.
As I sat there Monday night watching the beating scene from the Passion of the Christ I was completely overwhelmed.
And I had a new insight I suppose you could call it, every time I watch something like that I get 'righteously angry' at the Roman soldiers. There they are beating, spitting on, and laughing that THE SON OF GOD, GOD HIMSELF, and have no shame.
Other times I have felt ashamed for thinking this because I know that I am just like those Roman soldiers, I am just like Pilate, and I am like the self-righteous Pharisees.
But this night I saw just a glimpse of Jesus's perspective, He was being beat, spit on, and laughed at by His own creation. The very ones that He was suffering for, dying for, whom He loved more than I can EVER comprehend, were causing Him pain beyond imagining.
Yet, is this any worse then the pain I cause Him every time I go my own way, and reject Him???
I don't think so. I am no better than anyone else. If I could somehow grasp that concept it would save me so much heartache. If I could think about this before I do what I want, that I am causing the One who died for me pain and grief, I would stop.
I have never been more aware of the incredible, awe-inspiring, all consuming, all encompassing, crazy LOVE that God has for ME, then Monday night.
I could barely hold it in, I had no words, but somehow they needed to come out. Trembling, smiling, crying, a taste of heaven perhaps?
That is my journey so far. I am praying that this is only the beginning, a simple seed, with strong roots and no distractions.
To give unselfishly
To love the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
Will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at Your throne with open hands
I lift my hands open wide
Let the whole world see
How You loved, how You died, how You set me free
Free at last
I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands
To finally let go of my plans
These earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at Your cross I stand with open hands
You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung Your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid my price
So Jesus, now I will give my life
-Matt Papa, Open Hands