Wednesday, September 3, 2008

don't know don't care

I'm depressed.
I've never been depressed like this before.
I don't like it.
And I'm not even sure why, I can't put my finger on any one thing.
Maybe its because I still have the same job, one I was supposed to leave 4 months ago. Maybe its because my mom, who is my best friend and who I talk to about everything, just had major surgery and won't be back as full time 'mom' for another month. Maybe its because I have so much responsibility as the oldest, I'm shopping, driving people places, making decisions, being asked endless questions ALL day, etc. Maybe its because I'm just realizing that another year has gone by without me making a serious decision about my future; college, career, ministry, etc. Or maybe I'm just in a funk.
Whatever it is, it sucks. And I wish I could do something about it, I wish I could do something with my life. I need to take a break, right now........before I break the keys on my laptop because I'm hitting them so hard.
GAH! Whats wrong with me?
I seriously have no reason to feel this way, not really. Especially when you put it in perspective.
I've heard so many times that when God seems far away its me that has moved, but sometimes it feels like that no matter how much I want to feel His presence, nothing works. I read, I pray, I worship, I meditate, I memorize, I go to church, I go to bible studies, I pray again. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Hello? Is ANYONE there?
But what am I thinking? God is here, I see Him everywhere, feel His presence, hear Him in other people, His word, and songs. I think Paul said that we are double minded, that is SO true. How else could you explain these feelings, thoughts, and emotions?
I need Jesus
I wish that it was easier
I like peace
I love people
I believe that Jesus loves me
I am tired of being two people
I have the best family and friends EVER

I hope that things will change
I remember that through the blackest night, morning DOES come
I love worshiping my Savior
I don't want to stay here
I strive to act on my words
I forget that only through Christ can I do anything
I try to relax, be less prideful
I think too much, that life is too complicated, and that I should probably just go to bed
I want a holiday, a fresh outlook, to worship for real
I will have devotions, open my eyes for new possibilities, accept advice gracefully

be free


Lauren A. W. said...

There is this song that I sang when I was walking through a similar time in my life:

"Lord you seem so far away, a million miles or more it feels today. And though I have not lost my faith I must confess right now, that it's hard for me to pray. And I don't know what to say, and I don't know where to start, but as you give the grace, with all that's in my heart. I will sing, I will praise. Even in my darkest hour, through the sorrow and the pain. I will sing, I will praise. Lift my hands to honor you, because your word is true. I will sing."

I learned that a lot of times, when I feel far away from God, praising Him brings me so much closer.

I'm praying for you Noel and that God will CLEARLY show you His will for your life right now.

Karly L. said...

I haven't ever commented on your blog before, but ran across it a few weeks ago. I just wanted to let you know this: Even when you feel down and depressed, God can life you up out of that valley. He is the All in All, the Perfect One. Everyone goes through trials and if you keep on praying and seeking Him, He will draw you out in HIS Time. I know it can be really hard when satan is trying hard to change you, but don't give in. And it sounds like life isn't normal right now w/ your Mom being gone healing and everything else. That will pass in time. Fight this battle and overcome your depressing feeling. As for your future, it can be painstakingly hard to wait to hear what the Lord wants you to do w/ your life. I've been there, done that. I am living proof though that He can and will show you in HIS timing. I know it can take a lot of patience and trust waiting like that. Remember thatGod will help you; don't give up.

Morgan Ruckel said...

I am sorry you are feeling that way. I understand what your going through. I will be praying for you. If you ever need to get away, you are more than welcome to come over, hang out or spend the night. We would love to have you. Love you, Morgan

Whitney said...

hey we should get together and just spend the day sometime. You tell me when and I will be there. Let me know. We could go eat and then shop even though I have no money but hey we should just be kids again with no care in the world lol let me know. Love ya

P.S. if you ever need someone to help you out let me know, I will be more than happy to shop with you help you with the kids, I here just call

DOT (Maria) said...

Hey Noel, I know a little of what your giong through, and I'm praying for you.

Dear God,
Please bless Noel today. Make your presence real to her. Give her streangth to carry on, and if you could, Please give her a time and place to just rest relax and re focus. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

I know God will come to your rescue, just wait on him.

Luv ya DOT

Free-To-Fly said...

Thank you friends!
I have been feeling better, mostly just trying to make the best of everyy situation and conitinuing to stand on the promises God has made. Thanks again :)

Jonathan said...

Just a thought:
Maybe you are right where you’re supposed to be. It may not all seem good to you right now, but make the best of what's going on. God might be molding you for what He wants you to be this very moment. Don't over look that.
Glad your doing better!