I've never been depressed like this before.
I don't like it.
And I'm not even sure why, I can't put my finger on any one thing.
Maybe its because I still have the same job, one I was supposed to leave 4 months ago. Maybe its because my mom, who is my best friend and who I talk to about everything, just had major surgery and won't be back as full time 'mom' for another month. Maybe its because I have so much responsibility as the oldest, I'm shopping, driving people places, making decisions, being asked endless questions ALL day, etc. Maybe its because I'm just realizing that another year has gone by without me making a serious decision about my future; college, career, ministry, etc. Or maybe I'm just in a funk.
Whatever it is, it sucks. And I wish I could do something about it, I wish I could do something with my life. I need to take a break, right now........before I break the keys on my laptop because I'm hitting them so hard.
GAH! Whats wrong with me?
I seriously have no reason to feel this way, not really. Especially when you put it in perspective.
I've heard so many times that when God seems far away its me that has moved, but sometimes it feels like that no matter how much I want to feel His presence, nothing works. I read, I pray, I worship, I meditate, I memorize, I go to church, I go to bible studies, I pray again. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Hello? Is ANYONE there?
But what am I thinking? God is here, I see Him everywhere, feel His presence, hear Him in other people, His word, and songs. I think Paul said that we are double minded, that is SO true. How else could you explain these feelings, thoughts, and emotions?
I need Jesus
I wish that it was easier
I like peace
I love people
I believe that Jesus loves me
I am tired of being two people
I have the best family and friends EVER
I hope that things will change
I remember that through the blackest night, morning DOES come
I love worshiping my Savior
I don't want to stay here
I strive to act on my words
I forget that only through Christ can I do anything
I try to relax, be less prideful
I think too much, that life is too complicated, and that I should probably just go to bed
I want a holiday, a fresh outlook, to worship for real
I will have devotions, open my eyes for new possibilities, accept advice gracefully