Feelings of inadequacy surround me. Being humbled in so many ways. Desperation leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. Tears fall, being broken before the Lord is a painful yet incredible place to be.
I long for peace. I would rather have peace than just about anything else. Whether it is in my own life, or the people and circumstances around me. I desire this peace so much that sometimes I feel like I need to 'do' something, or change a part of my life in order to have it. Recently, as in tonight, I had a thought; what if God does not want me to just stop doing this or change how I do that. What if the real issue is my heart. My heart needs to change, I need to get to the root issue. Some of the time I think the answer is my relationship with God. I get so focused on the don't's....don't do this, don't do that, stay away from those, and I forget what is the most important; my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything else is subject to that; how I spend my time, who I am friends with, what I say and the thoughts I have. All of these things will fall into place if I have a good relationship with Christ.
I said all that to say that I am going to try an experiment for the next week or so. Instead of choosing to fast from something or change something about what I do, I am going to seek God. Earnestly, desperately, I am going to try to focus so much on Him that everything else takes a back seat. Whether this means having a 4 hour quiet time, or not getting on facebook, I am going to follow the Spirit and pray for change, a heart change, the kind that turns mediocre girls into passionate young women willing to anything for their Creator.
((desperate for changing. starving for Truth. closer then when I started. I'm chasing after You.))