ready or not

So many thoughts are going through my mind, so many things I could write.

I guess I'll start with Christmas and say that this year's was the BEST ever. Of course I say that every year and it is true. Even though my little sister Trinity got RSV and could not go to any of the Christmas functions. Also, my parents got sick Christmas day and have been since then. Still, this was an amazing Christmas, and as always my favorite was giving presents to my family. I love the whole process; the shopping, thinking, wrapping, but most of all seeing their faces. My favorite present was probably a comforter set:

Isn't it cute? My mom has very good taste, and it is soooo soft, which is very important.

I am looking forward to the New Year and what it will bring. This year has gone by so fast, and at the same time seems like forever since it started. I feel like a totally different person than I was at the start of 2008. I think that I have grown in my faith, and have definitely had some character building. I do not feel old, yet neither do I feel young. I look at my younger siblings and remember being there, and wonder how I could have acted the way they do.
I feel content, which is a new thing for me. Ever since I graduated I have felt impatient and confused about what I was supposed to do next. Just within the last few days I have felt this sense of peace and joy. Nothing has changed in the physical sense and the fact that I still don't have any plans, but I have this feeling that it really does not matter. Like having a plan is not what is really important. What is important is trusting that God has a plan, and that I am right in the middle of His plan. Because He does not make any mistakes, and I am not here by accident.
Right now I feel free, like I could do anything. I know that doubts will come, but one of my New Year's resolutions is to not think about it. To just keep following God and not let the fear of man, or pride influence the decisions I make.

I do have some New Year's resolutions.....but I think I'll wait until it is actually 2009, seems more fitting lol. I hope that everyone has a wonder New Year's, and remembers that God is God, no matter what is going on in your life. Love ya!

be free
~noel~

I’m waking up
The world is turning
The sun is shining again
I’m holding on
To things I shouldn’t
It’s time to let them go
I’ve been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn’t speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

And I can hear You say
It’s a brand new day
The pain goes away I’m headed for the door
And I’m going home I’m going home I’m going home I’m going home

Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I’m blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me I’m
So much more

When I’ve been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn’t speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

'Tis the season......of what?

I am not in a Christmas spirit.

I do not know why.

It is really bugging me.

Now, it might have something to do with the fact that I have been sick the last three days, and today I was in bed all day. Or maybe I am just in a funk, and will feel differently tomorrow or the next day. It might be that as I am getting older I thinking about things in a different way, and my thoughts are all saying what is Christmas really about?
I know all the cliche's, about it being about Christ's birth and celebrating His coming. That it is the season of giving and showing love to others.
But what does that really mean? What does that have to do with all the baking, decorations, presents, trees, and weird Christmas sweaters?
Why is it such a big deal? Personally I think Easter is a bigger holiday than Christmas, it actually celebrates what Christianity is all about; the salvation of all mankind.

Maybe I'm just a scrooge, and will dream about ghosts tonight.

Christmas is my favorite holiday, just to be clear. I just think that it gets glamorized a lot of the time. All the focus is on the glitter and lights, and the little baby in the barn gets ignored. My challenge to you is to remember how CHRISTmas became a holiday in the first place, and not get swept away by the Hollywood-ness of it all.

"Dear Jesus,
Happy Birthday! Thank you for coming as a little child and showing us how big Your love is for us, and how small we are. I am sorry for getting caught up in the 'magic' of Christmas and forgetting about the miracle that is You. I love You."

be free
~noel~

Take a Breath or Two

Do you ever feel like you are going through life at the speed of a rocket? I am sure that everyone does, because I sure do. I feel like life is passing me by so fast that I can't possibly be experiencing it all. SLOW DOWN!!! Seriously, I am the kind of girl who likes to savor things, I like to think about it and anticipate it. I hate the end of things; end of vacation, end of Christmas, end of basketball, end of You Grow, end of another year of life. That one is really depressing, to think that 19 years of my life have already passed, and I can never be any of those ages ever again.

I love Christmas!!! It is my favorite holiday, the only thing that I do not like is how fast it goes by. Do you realize that there is only two and a half weeks left until Christmas, and in less than a month it will be 2009??????? Unreal.

Today I feel like I am taking a deep breath before 'plunging' into the next two weeks. I think we have something going almost everyday, especially on the weekends. Crazy!!

I am also excited too, I like having something to do. Especially when that something is basketball! Even though it kills me every time to see those girls out there, without me. I still love it, and coaching isn't too bad lol. At least I get to yell at people :p.

Well, I hope that SOME people are happy.........and I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season!! Merry Christmas!!!!

be free
~noel~

A few of my favorite things......

~Happy Thanksgiving To All~

Here are some things that that I am thankful for in my life.........

*Jesus Christ

*Family (of course lol)

*Friends (I really do have amazing friends, I cannot imagine any better. Seriously)

*Crisp fall mornings

*Homemade lattes

*Sonic

*Basketball

*Music

*Concerts with friends

*Texas....the state, not the football team ;)

*My own room!!

*The color yellow......it makes me happy

*Christmas music!!!

*Watching football

*My Ugg boots (they are sooooo comfortable)

*Hugs

*Dancing....in my room, don't worry :D

*Songs that express what I am feeling better than words I say

*Shopping....even though I don't have any money

*You Grow

*Steve (my car....don't worry)

*Pedicures

*Baking

be free
~noel~

sound of my breaking heart

How is it that when I feel broken is when I feel God the most. You would think that broken is bad. When something breaks I am sad, sad that it is unusable and that I have lost that thing.
Not so with my heart. When my heart is broken is when I am the most usable. When myself is out of the way and I can hear God's voice.
It is amazing the view from a state of brokenness. A state where I know that I am not all that. It is when I am myself, when I am prideful and selfish, that I get in so much trouble. The choices I make in the things I do and say, are purely self motivated. There is nothing about them that is righteous, or holy.

I had a first last night, and I know that as I get older I will be having more and more of these. For the first time I wanted to go home, my real home. As I sat there listening, with so many thoughts going through my head, I wanted, for the first time, for Jesus to come back. Now I have thought that I would be okay with Jesus coming back for a long time, but have never actually wished it would happen right then. I felt this longing to go to heaven, I did not care about not doing great things with my life, or getting my first kiss, or leading millions to Jesus, or getting married, or going to Europe, or holding my children. I just wanted to go to heaven, where there is no tears, no misunderstandings, no one offending or being offended. Where I could just worship my Lord, and be in eternal fellowship with the people I love.

So........I am still waiting. For something. Anything. I have not had a job for two months, and to be honest it really stinks. I am having a hard time trusting that this is really God's will for me right now. I cannot see how this would fit into any plan for my life. Why am I just sitting here? Surely there is something that I could be doing. But what? People keep asking me what I am doing, and now that I do not have a job it feels like I am loser lol. I don't have anything to say really. I am not just sitting around, I have basketball practice twice a week plus games. I have Character First on Wednesdays, and I also work in the nursery. I have You Grow on Monday nights, and something going on almost every weekend. With the holidays coming up there will be endless get togethers with family and friends. Birthdays.....lots of birthdays. Still, with all this, I can't tell 'those people' anything besides my, "Mooching off my parents and trying to catch a man." I am serious though, there is no way I am going to be forced into doing something that is not God's will just because people think I should be going to college or getting another job. So there! :p

I have a cold........my head feels like it is filled with cotton. I have Character First tomorrow, yippee. My poor kids, (Character First kids lol), I may just let 'Mr. Ben' teach by himself :D.
I am going to take NyQuil, and try to write a few paragraphs. Ciao :)

be free
~noel~

P.S. This is my new favorite song. It is A-mazing! It is by Tenth Avenue North, and I would highly recommend their new CD.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?

I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

Peace

Sorry it has been so long, I really have been incredibly busy. Also, because of this paragraph job, by the time I get done with those I am tired of writing.
Some people have been on me about posting so I am, hope your happy :p

My thoughts have felt all jumbled up lately, which is another reason I have not posted. I usually have been thinking about something and feel like I have something to share. That has not been the case, I feel like I am being pulled a thousand diffent ways. I never think about the same thing twice. I have a hard enough time reading the bible and praying, much less 'being still' and listening for God's voice. I have so much going on, and so many problems I find myself worrying about over and over again. I have been thinking what is peace? Real peace, not just laying down at night and forcing myself to pray and give it all to God.
Does God give me peace? Or does it have something to do with me? Do I just need to accept it, or am I doing something that is preventing me from experienceing peace?
I can feel myself getting frustrated and sad thinking about this. What am I supposed to do? I want to do something. I know that God is with me, I can feel His presence, but I also feel like I have a wall of ice around my heart. That this wall is preventing me from feeling anything at all, I am just numb. Sometimes I think there is something to that whole bipolar thing, I swing from one emotion to the other so fast I am scaring myself.
The weird thing is I think that God is causing me to feel this way on purpose. I am supposed to learn something from this. What is the question. I honestly do not see what it is.
I keep hearing one word;

Trust

Not an easy thing for me, I will be the first to admit that I am a control freak. Not in a super obsessive way, but I definitly like to control the things I do and feel.

Please pray that I will just place everything at the foot of the cross, and remember that I do not have to go through things alone. I also know that God never gives us more then we can handle.

Be Free
~noel~


He is my Light and my Salvation
Whom have I to fear
In His secret place I'll hide and pray
That I might hear a simple word

O, how I would have despaired
If You had not come found me there
I can lean against Your throne and find my Peace
Find my Peace

And when my enemies draw near
I pray that they will find
That I'm protected and secure
All tempests He will bind with a mighty word

O, how I would have despaired
If You had not come found me there
I can lean against Your throne and find my Peace
Find my Peace

He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fear?

Peace by Jennifer Knapp

VOTE

McCain/Palin