So many thoughts are going through my head, I do not even know where to begin.
I went on a journey last night, a very long one. I do not know if I can remember all of it, much less write it down here, but I will try.
I need God.
He does not need me.
I am aching, with every breath to hear His voice, but why would He talk to me? I wouldn't. I ignore Him, question Him, and doubt Him time after time.
I am nothing
He is everything.
Die to self; I have heard that so many times it comes out of my mouth automatically, die to self; easy right? right? NO! I have to die! Mirage Noel Boyd, human is dead. She is gone, along with her pride, anger, selfishness, jealousy, and lustful thoughts.
At this point I started feeling sorry for my-self, 'I am nothing, I need to die, I am such a bad person, why would anyone like me? blah, blah, blah.'
I don't know if I actually heard God speak, or if the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart but I heard it;
'Sweetheart, its not all about you'
It was at this point that I didn't have anything to say, no comebacks, no excuses, no examples of good things I had done. I saw my-self for what it really was; worthless, sinful, disgusting.
And I saw what God had done for me meet Mirage Noel Boyd, citizen of heaven, princess, pure, holy, righteous. And ONLY because Jesus lives in me, not because of anything I had done, anything I touch is defiled and unworthy.
The more I think about it the more overwhelmed I am, THE GOD, MAKER OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE LOVES ME, MADE ME, CARES ABOUT ME.
WHY?
What have I done? What can I do?
Everything I can think of is too small, like giving a penny to Bill Gates.
But, here I am thinking about me again. It doesn't matter why, or how. God made me, loves me, and asks that I love Him. It can't get much more simple than that.
I feel empty now, almost hollow, like I don't know who I am anymore. How am supposed to act? Now that my-self is dead.
Searching; for answers.
Waiting; for truth.
Trusting; for wisdom.
Hoping; for things that will blow my mind.
be free
~noel~
It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see,
but I’m giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything – I surrender
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly
-Whatever You're doing by Sanctus Real
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Thinking......
Okay, I have a question; Why does time seem to go by at different rates? How can some seconds seem like forever, and some weeks go by so fast?
I feel like that all the time, it has been two weeks since I posted, yet it feels like just a few days ago. But it also seem like it has been years since my life turned upside down, when in reality I have only felt that way about a month.
WEIRD.
So, last week I helped teach the 12-15 yr old's at the Financial Fitness Seminar, I think it went very well. I had a small group of 5 girls, all were 13 & 14. I am finding out more and more that if you ask God He will give you words to say. There were so many times I would say something, and think; 'where did that come from? I didn't that, it is way too insightful.' Amazing, and as I was teaching these girls I learned so much not only through the material but the girls themselves! So cool, I am excited about teaching that age group again. It was also really fun just to hang out with them, both guys and girls, I have never interacted with that age group that much before. They're cool lol, even my own brother and sister :p.
For the last two Sundays we (my family and I) have gone to Frontier City, trying to get the most out of season passes. It has been a lot of fun, I love rides and doing them with family and friends just make it twice as fun :)
I'm thinking about going to the fair, I haven't been since I was 8 yrs old.......its just not been something my family did. We'll see, if I do I'll def post about it!
Sometimes I think that I couldn't be any happier, than others I wish everything was different. At this point I have no idea if I'm just 'being a girl' and letting my hormones run away, or if I really am depressed and need to take a break. I wish.............I didn't think so much lol, that's prolly my problem, I really do think too much.
And I want to take a break.....I'm thinking about going to my Aunt's house for a week or two at the end of this month, I hope it works out.
Just to reiterate (big word; means to say again :p) what I said in my last post, growing up is a let down MAJOR!!!!! My mom keeps telling me that this is the best time of my life, but I'm not seeing it so much yet. Maybe my expectations were too high as a kid, but being grown up looked really easy and fun then. Just goes to show you that the grass is NOT greener on the other side.
I am enjoying football, I forget every year how much I like it......even though I don't understand half of it, I mean what the the heck is an illegal shift? why not just say offsides? or false start? People just like to make things complicated, so they can sound smarter lol.
Going to You Grow tonight.....I'm excited, last year each night I was more blessed. I'm ready for some blessing, VERY ready.
be free
~noel~
I want to fly
Into the sky
And turn my back on this old world
And leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It’s got nothing for me
Only leaves me with emptiness
And tears in my eyes
-Gravity, Shawn McDonald
I feel like that all the time, it has been two weeks since I posted, yet it feels like just a few days ago. But it also seem like it has been years since my life turned upside down, when in reality I have only felt that way about a month.
WEIRD.
So, last week I helped teach the 12-15 yr old's at the Financial Fitness Seminar, I think it went very well. I had a small group of 5 girls, all were 13 & 14. I am finding out more and more that if you ask God He will give you words to say. There were so many times I would say something, and think; 'where did that come from? I didn't that, it is way too insightful.' Amazing, and as I was teaching these girls I learned so much not only through the material but the girls themselves! So cool, I am excited about teaching that age group again. It was also really fun just to hang out with them, both guys and girls, I have never interacted with that age group that much before. They're cool lol, even my own brother and sister :p.
For the last two Sundays we (my family and I) have gone to Frontier City, trying to get the most out of season passes. It has been a lot of fun, I love rides and doing them with family and friends just make it twice as fun :)
I'm thinking about going to the fair, I haven't been since I was 8 yrs old.......its just not been something my family did. We'll see, if I do I'll def post about it!
Sometimes I think that I couldn't be any happier, than others I wish everything was different. At this point I have no idea if I'm just 'being a girl' and letting my hormones run away, or if I really am depressed and need to take a break. I wish.............I didn't think so much lol, that's prolly my problem, I really do think too much.
And I want to take a break.....I'm thinking about going to my Aunt's house for a week or two at the end of this month, I hope it works out.
Just to reiterate (big word; means to say again :p) what I said in my last post, growing up is a let down MAJOR!!!!! My mom keeps telling me that this is the best time of my life, but I'm not seeing it so much yet. Maybe my expectations were too high as a kid, but being grown up looked really easy and fun then. Just goes to show you that the grass is NOT greener on the other side.
I am enjoying football, I forget every year how much I like it......even though I don't understand half of it, I mean what the the heck is an illegal shift? why not just say offsides? or false start? People just like to make things complicated, so they can sound smarter lol.
Going to You Grow tonight.....I'm excited, last year each night I was more blessed. I'm ready for some blessing, VERY ready.
be free
~noel~
I want to fly
Into the sky
And turn my back on this old world
And leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It’s got nothing for me
Only leaves me with emptiness
And tears in my eyes
-Gravity, Shawn McDonald
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
don't know don't care
I'm depressed.
I've never been depressed like this before.
I don't like it.
And I'm not even sure why, I can't put my finger on any one thing.
Maybe its because I still have the same job, one I was supposed to leave 4 months ago. Maybe its because my mom, who is my best friend and who I talk to about everything, just had major surgery and won't be back as full time 'mom' for another month. Maybe its because I have so much responsibility as the oldest, I'm shopping, driving people places, making decisions, being asked endless questions ALL day, etc. Maybe its because I'm just realizing that another year has gone by without me making a serious decision about my future; college, career, ministry, etc. Or maybe I'm just in a funk.
Whatever it is, it sucks. And I wish I could do something about it, I wish I could do something with my life. I need to take a break, right now........before I break the keys on my laptop because I'm hitting them so hard.
GAH! Whats wrong with me?
I seriously have no reason to feel this way, not really. Especially when you put it in perspective.
I've heard so many times that when God seems far away its me that has moved, but sometimes it feels like that no matter how much I want to feel His presence, nothing works. I read, I pray, I worship, I meditate, I memorize, I go to church, I go to bible studies, I pray again. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Hello? Is ANYONE there?
But what am I thinking? God is here, I see Him everywhere, feel His presence, hear Him in other people, His word, and songs. I think Paul said that we are double minded, that is SO true. How else could you explain these feelings, thoughts, and emotions?
I need Jesus
I wish that it was easier
I like peace
I love people
I believe that Jesus loves me
I am tired of being two people
I have the best family and friends EVER
I hope that things will change
I remember that through the blackest night, morning DOES come
I love worshiping my Savior
I don't want to stay here
I strive to act on my words
I forget that only through Christ can I do anything
I try to relax, be less prideful
I think too much, that life is too complicated, and that I should probably just go to bed
I want a holiday, a fresh outlook, to worship for real
I will have devotions, open my eyes for new possibilities, accept advice gracefully
be free
~noel~
I've never been depressed like this before.
I don't like it.
And I'm not even sure why, I can't put my finger on any one thing.
Maybe its because I still have the same job, one I was supposed to leave 4 months ago. Maybe its because my mom, who is my best friend and who I talk to about everything, just had major surgery and won't be back as full time 'mom' for another month. Maybe its because I have so much responsibility as the oldest, I'm shopping, driving people places, making decisions, being asked endless questions ALL day, etc. Maybe its because I'm just realizing that another year has gone by without me making a serious decision about my future; college, career, ministry, etc. Or maybe I'm just in a funk.
Whatever it is, it sucks. And I wish I could do something about it, I wish I could do something with my life. I need to take a break, right now........before I break the keys on my laptop because I'm hitting them so hard.
GAH! Whats wrong with me?
I seriously have no reason to feel this way, not really. Especially when you put it in perspective.
I've heard so many times that when God seems far away its me that has moved, but sometimes it feels like that no matter how much I want to feel His presence, nothing works. I read, I pray, I worship, I meditate, I memorize, I go to church, I go to bible studies, I pray again. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Hello? Is ANYONE there?
But what am I thinking? God is here, I see Him everywhere, feel His presence, hear Him in other people, His word, and songs. I think Paul said that we are double minded, that is SO true. How else could you explain these feelings, thoughts, and emotions?
I need Jesus
I wish that it was easier
I like peace
I love people
I believe that Jesus loves me
I am tired of being two people
I have the best family and friends EVER
I hope that things will change
I remember that through the blackest night, morning DOES come
I love worshiping my Savior
I don't want to stay here
I strive to act on my words
I forget that only through Christ can I do anything
I try to relax, be less prideful
I think too much, that life is too complicated, and that I should probably just go to bed
I want a holiday, a fresh outlook, to worship for real
I will have devotions, open my eyes for new possibilities, accept advice gracefully
be free
~noel~
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sad
I have had so many people tell me I looked sad the past week, and I've said no, that I was tired....etc.
But I think I am sad, and I don't know why, and that is really bothering me. I have no reason to be sad, God has blessed me SO much, yet when I really think about it, I do feel sad.
I am in a rut, just doing the same thing every day, and not trying to do anything about it.
What is wrong with me? I sound like an old person, or someone who has no hope. Yet, I am young, I have my whole life ahead of me, and with my Savior I can do anything.
So what is keeping me back?
Am I scared of the unknown, or that God will ask me to do something I don't want to?
Or am I just prideful, thinking 'I can figure it out by my-self'?
I don't know, but I don't like it.
In all of this I keep thinking, 'Where are You God? Why can't I hear Your voice? Or see Your plan?'
Maybe it is because I am not looking, or listening.........
I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with God is not what I want it to be.
I don't put Him first
I don't wait to hear His voice or see His plan
I just barge ahead with what I want, thinking in my own mind that I know what God wants, I'm just taking the initiative and doing it.
I can't go on like this, I do not want to end up a bitter, hypocritical church-goer.
I have to change
be free
~noel~
I’m tired of putting one foot in front of the other
I’m weary of where it leads me to
I’m tired of moving on from my Father
Make me rest my head, take a breath or two
Simply stated simple minded love for You Has simply been completely complicated
And I’m finding this daily drudgery is finally catching up to me
It’s time for this abandon to make much of You and less of me
I want to breathe in
I want to breathe in and out again
-Jimmy Needham, A Breath or Two
But I think I am sad, and I don't know why, and that is really bothering me. I have no reason to be sad, God has blessed me SO much, yet when I really think about it, I do feel sad.
I am in a rut, just doing the same thing every day, and not trying to do anything about it.
What is wrong with me? I sound like an old person, or someone who has no hope. Yet, I am young, I have my whole life ahead of me, and with my Savior I can do anything.
So what is keeping me back?
Am I scared of the unknown, or that God will ask me to do something I don't want to?
Or am I just prideful, thinking 'I can figure it out by my-self'?
I don't know, but I don't like it.
In all of this I keep thinking, 'Where are You God? Why can't I hear Your voice? Or see Your plan?'
Maybe it is because I am not looking, or listening.........
I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with God is not what I want it to be.
I don't put Him first
I don't wait to hear His voice or see His plan
I just barge ahead with what I want, thinking in my own mind that I know what God wants, I'm just taking the initiative and doing it.
I can't go on like this, I do not want to end up a bitter, hypocritical church-goer.
I have to change
be free
~noel~
I’m tired of putting one foot in front of the other
I’m weary of where it leads me to
I’m tired of moving on from my Father
Make me rest my head, take a breath or two
Simply stated simple minded love for You Has simply been completely complicated
And I’m finding this daily drudgery is finally catching up to me
It’s time for this abandon to make much of You and less of me
I want to breathe in
I want to breathe in and out again
-Jimmy Needham, A Breath or Two
Monday, August 18, 2008
Trinity Angeline
My Mom woke up Saturday morning with contractions and bleeding, so my Dad went ahead and took her to the hospital. When they got there the doctors checked everything, and while there wasn't anything wrong, Trinity's heart beat was too fast. So the Doctor said that my Mom was having a baby today, and they could try and induce, but because they didn't know what was wrong she recommended a c-section. So my Mom and Dad prayed about it, and said go ahead, Trinity was born around 1:15 Saturday August 16, 2008. She is doing well, and my Mom is much better, she was able to nurse yesterday and Trinity retained all of it. Mom should be home either Wednesday or Thursday, and the nurse said that Trinity can come home when she maintains her body temperature, and can suck, swallow, breathe. And she is doing the last three, so keep praying.
I got to hold her yesterday, she was so tiny! I was afraid I was going to crush her, she is such a miracle. She makes it all totally worth it! :) Please pray for me too, I am going to be 'mom' for the next several days, if not weeks. And I'm taking over the Wednesday meal for the next month. Thank you for all your prayer, and all the people who visited us, you are such a blessing!
be free
~noel~
Monday, August 11, 2008
I just wasted 10 seconds of your time
Seriously, time is going by sooooooo fast. I was looking at my calender trying to figure out when I could go visit my Aunt, and I realized that I will not be able to until at least October. For crying out loud! Where has this year gone? School starts this week, I'm not ready for summer to end, it feels like it just started.
I feel like I keep harping on the same subjects.......time going by so fast, not knowing what to do with my life, waiting, waiting waiting. But nothing else is really going on, duh lol.
Since I don't have anything else to post; here are some poems that I wrote........they're pretty bad, so you know I'm really desperate :p
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Help me stop clouding my mind
With things that don't matter
Your voice I can't find
Nothing is becoming clearer
I want to be in Your presence
But I keep thinking 'tomorrow'
I know I can't stay on the fence
But how do I get off of it?
Sometimes I feel so lost
I know You are there
Than I think about the cost
And I feel overwhelmed
I feel like one of those clouds
That cover up the sun, yet allow bits of light through
Make me less proud
That You may shine more brightly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sit here pen in hand
Thinking, listening and
Questioning things I have
Always believed in
What is right or wrong
Why do I question where I belong
I am a sinner saved by grace
Jesus Christ took my place
Nailed to a cross forsaken and alone
Now, 2,000 years later I am lost
in the fake reality
Consumed by the skin of this world
Knowing in my heart what is real
But being deceived
Is not an excuse
I know what is the truth
The way and life
And He is the only way to Paradise
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My life is not my own
I have given it to the
One who is the maker of it
Starbreather, Universe creator
I can feel Him all around me
Down to my very fingertips
How He could love someone like me
is a mystery
How He would make me a Princess
Is unimaginable, unbelievable
Yet, it happened
Words are nothing, actions being
Everything, so much time wasted
Live today like your last, live like
You're redeemed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
be free
~noel~
I feel like I keep harping on the same subjects.......time going by so fast, not knowing what to do with my life, waiting, waiting waiting. But nothing else is really going on, duh lol.
Since I don't have anything else to post; here are some poems that I wrote........they're pretty bad, so you know I'm really desperate :p
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Help me stop clouding my mind
With things that don't matter
Your voice I can't find
Nothing is becoming clearer
I want to be in Your presence
But I keep thinking 'tomorrow'
I know I can't stay on the fence
But how do I get off of it?
Sometimes I feel so lost
I know You are there
Than I think about the cost
And I feel overwhelmed
I feel like one of those clouds
That cover up the sun, yet allow bits of light through
Make me less proud
That You may shine more brightly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sit here pen in hand
Thinking, listening and
Questioning things I have
Always believed in
What is right or wrong
Why do I question where I belong
I am a sinner saved by grace
Jesus Christ took my place
Nailed to a cross forsaken and alone
Now, 2,000 years later I am lost
in the fake reality
Consumed by the skin of this world
Knowing in my heart what is real
But being deceived
Is not an excuse
I know what is the truth
The way and life
And He is the only way to Paradise
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My life is not my own
I have given it to the
One who is the maker of it
Starbreather, Universe creator
I can feel Him all around me
Down to my very fingertips
How He could love someone like me
is a mystery
How He would make me a Princess
Is unimaginable, unbelievable
Yet, it happened
Words are nothing, actions being
Everything, so much time wasted
Live today like your last, live like
You're redeemed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
be free
~noel~
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Another Year
Time flies by so fast, I know you hear that a lot, but it really does. As I celebrated my birthday yesterday, I looked back over the last year and it really felt like time was actually flying past me. Where did it go? Our whole lives revolve around time, I wish I could count how many times a day I look at a clock, (that is my fav thing about vacation, I really try not to look at a clock at all, but that is another story). I keep saying that I want to slow down and take a breath, but you can't slow time it is going by at the same speed, one second at a time.
I wouldn't go back, but as I get older I realize that I'm not to crazy about going forward either. I want to learn to just embrace each moment as it comes, to always be content no matter where I am at. I want to be mature and grown-up, but not stuffy or stiff. I want to be fun to be around, but at the same time be an example. To project an air of sophistication without seeming stuck-up :). To be able to speak the truth in love. To look my age....well maybe that is not as important lol.
___________________________
Moving on, I am enjoying life, I really am! I love my family & I have incredible friends. I do have a job........for the time being, and I have all my teeth lol (just thought of something randomly lol)
Until someone asks me what I'm going to do.............................AH! If someone asks me that one more time I'll, I'll, I'll ............................prolly do nothing, but I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!! :-(
I DON'T KNOW, OKAY? Just leave me alone.
The other day I thought about every time someone asked me that saying; "Mooching off my parents, and trying to catch a man."
That ought to shut them up, huh? I really want to say it, just to see the reaction.
I really envy people who seem to have their lives all planned, college, sports, a good job.....even marriage. But I don't know what I want, and more importantly I don't know what God wants.
That is another thing that frustrates me; I pray all the time that God would show me His will, I've been having a quiet time, reading my bible, and memorizing scripture. Still nothing, zilch, nada. So I'm waiting...............................I hate waiting.
Really hate it.
be free
~noel~
Isaiah 26:8
Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 38:15
I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
P.S.
I guess God knew we were going to do a lot of waiting :)
I wouldn't go back, but as I get older I realize that I'm not to crazy about going forward either. I want to learn to just embrace each moment as it comes, to always be content no matter where I am at. I want to be mature and grown-up, but not stuffy or stiff. I want to be fun to be around, but at the same time be an example. To project an air of sophistication without seeming stuck-up :). To be able to speak the truth in love. To look my age....well maybe that is not as important lol.
___________________________
Moving on, I am enjoying life, I really am! I love my family & I have incredible friends. I do have a job........for the time being, and I have all my teeth lol (just thought of something randomly lol)
Until someone asks me what I'm going to do.............................AH! If someone asks me that one more time I'll, I'll, I'll ............................prolly do nothing, but I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!! :-(
I DON'T KNOW, OKAY? Just leave me alone.
The other day I thought about every time someone asked me that saying; "Mooching off my parents, and trying to catch a man."
That ought to shut them up, huh? I really want to say it, just to see the reaction.
I really envy people who seem to have their lives all planned, college, sports, a good job.....even marriage. But I don't know what I want, and more importantly I don't know what God wants.
That is another thing that frustrates me; I pray all the time that God would show me His will, I've been having a quiet time, reading my bible, and memorizing scripture. Still nothing, zilch, nada. So I'm waiting...............................I hate waiting.
Really hate it.
be free
~noel~
Isaiah 26:8
Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 38:15
I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
P.S.
I guess God knew we were going to do a lot of waiting :)
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