Tuesday, November 3, 2009

'Oh for grace to trust Him more'

My life has this strange habit of completely throwing me off balance every once in a while. This earth shaking usually happens just when I think my life is happiest, I feel like everything is great and think I am having the most fun.

I, by no means, have 'it' all figured out, but I think that God chooses to rock my world just when I think I am doing fine by myself and have everything under control.

HA! Such a lie.....

Can I just take a few minutes to say how disgusted I am with mySELF?? And that I really don't understand how I can make the same mistakes over and over?? I have heard so much TRUTH the last few months, but it somehow just sits in my brain and doesn't guard my heart or guide my actions. Stupid flesh.

I feel like a completely different person than I was a few days ago, God has been teaching me so much, and none of it is easy. Than again, when is it ever?

Things I am Learning;

*Life is hard, but always worth it

*God will never leave me. period.

*I forget so easily; to continually go to God with everything is one of the hardest things I've ever done

*to have 'dates' with God, to tell Him about my day and all of the things I'm going through, to share my emotions freely without having to fear rejection

*happiness is over-rated

*I have a hero. His name is Jesus

*that there are so many songs about life being hard and going through hard times, but not many about life being perfect and always being happy..........reminds me of the verse in John 16; 'In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.'

*searching for true and lasting joy; I feel like I'm so close, my fingers are brushing it, but still so far away.......'For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.' - 1 Cor 13:12

*that I can be hurting on the inside, and still experience joy......such a God thing

*feeling like a failure in so many areas, yet God still puts me in situations to counsel and shepherd people....what???? Just a reminder that nothing good that comes from me, is ME....but only God working through me.

*sometimes in life you just have to hope and dream, even though it might mean falling and getting hurt.....(I have a hero!)

*girls are stupid. nuf said.

*stress + angry + scared + VERY confused + other emotions = crying. every time.

*starbucks + laughter + friends = <3 id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">rizzle

And all of that in just four days........pretty much exhausting.

On the bright side; my room is clean, I filled 5 pages in my journal, and I made an awesome playlist that I can't stop listening to :). (its on facebook if you're interested, it called; Hold My Heart) Oh, and I made it to 75 sit ups in the gym, shooting for 80 in the morning.

I love Jesus, He loves me and that's about all I know!

be free

Alone again again alone
Patiently waiting by the phone
Hoping that You will call me home
The pain inside my love denied
Hopes and dreams swallowed by pride
Everything I need it lies in You

'Cause I'm broken
I know I need You now
'Cause deep inside I'm broken
You see the way I live
I know Your heart in broken
When I turn away
I need to be broken
Take the pain away

I question why You choose to die
When You knew Your truth I would deny
You look at me
The tears begin to fall
And all in all faith is blind
But I fail time after time
Daily in my sin I take Your life

All the hate deep inside
Slowly covering my eyes
All these things I hide
Away from You again
All this fear holding me
My heart is cold and I believe
Nothings gonna change
Until I'm whole again

-Broken, 12 Stones

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