Sunday, November 7, 2010

my leaky facet

I hate crying.

I do, I hate it.

For as long as I can remember I have kept my tears in check, burying emotion, holding it in.
And I liked it this way. Every once in a while I would cry, not very often, and usually not in public.

When I cry I feel extremely vulnerable. Embarrassed. And all around uncomfortable.
I do not like any of those feelings, who does?
As a little girl I dreaded when 'grown-ups' would cry. My parents, or people at church. I would squirm in my chair or pew and wish it was over. When I got older I was more mature about it, and just prayed that they would stop crying.
God has a very fine sense of humor and gave me a mother whose hobby is crying. She likes it! And does it regularly. I eventually grew accustomed to this, and kind of blew it off. But in NO way did I EVER want to be like that. *SHUDDER!!!*

Did I mention that God has a sense of humor? Just checking.
(this is a long story, just to warn you)

Part 1:
To illustrate the humor of God I would have you know that in past oh, probably 9 months I have cried more than I have ever ever ever cried in my entire life. All the time (seems like). In increasing amounts. And its getting worse.
This morning in the service I cried 4 times. Funny part; I was only in there for the song service, announcements, and prayer.

Part 2:
I have been involved in a Bible study that is currently going through the book 'Experiencing God'. (Great book, by the way, highly recommended)
And this week it talked about God making adjustments in your life.

I think that one of the adjustments God is making in my life is increasing my tears/breaking my heart.
For several reasons, that I can see now. (there are many more I'm sure)
1. To humble me, and its working.
2. I have experienced God in so many ways through this. I have seen Him working, in my own heart and others around me. He has shown me His all-consuming love for me, and given me glimpses of his majesty and awesome power.
3. He has given me an overwhelming love for people. And this often translates into tears, of course. I see people who are hurting all around me. I see Godly men and women that I admire. My family, goes on and on.

Now, knowing some reasons why behind the leaky facet aka my eyes, doesn't really help with the initial feelings of vulnerability. But, I can trust in God, and be secure in His plan for me.


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