Saturday, January 23, 2010

everlasting. never ending.

I have always thought of wanting to go to Heaven as a sign of spiritual maturity and a realization of what really matters.
But today I had a new thought:
What if wanting to go to Heaven, or home as I call it, is just selfishness?
Why do I want to go home?
What are my motives?
Am I truly focused completely on God and what He wants?

I think that the answer to these questions are simple. I am selfish. I want to go home because I am 'tired' of this world. I want to escape all the pain, confusion, and chaos.
I basically want to give up. I am saying that this is too hard and I don't want to do it anymore.
I am not focused on God at all, I am focused solely on myself and what I want.

I have been trying to think about what this mindset says about what I think about God. What it is saying to Him. I am telling God that I do not trust Him. I do not think He has a good plan for my life, and that I really don't appreciate everything He has blessed me with.
Doesn't God have a intricately designed plan for my life?
Is He not trying to show me love and make me more like Him with all the 'hard' things He puts in my life?
Do I not have a mission here on this earth? One that does NOT involve always being happy and pleased about what is happening to me.

This is such a hard thing to really get.
I like feeling sorry for myself.
I like being all self-righteous because I am 'tired' of the evil world and want to go to Heaven, where it is holy.
Why is it so hard to embrace every hardship as an opportunity for growth and wisdom?
And WHY WHY WHY is my first instinct to think about myself every single moment of every single day?
Am I redeemed or not? Have I been sanctified? Am I being transformed or conforming more everyday?

I am.

If there is one thing I DO know it is that I have a Savior.
He saved me.
I am saved.
From selfishness. And pride, and everything else that makes up my old flesh.
I have faith in this.
I press on because of this.
I will overcome and one day I will go Home. But it will be God's timing. His will.
And Oh, what a glorious day that will be.

be free

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
-Inside Out, Seventh Day Slumber

1 comment:

Megan said...

Hmmm. Someone has been doing some deep thinking today. :) I think you don't really start to think about something until you ask "Why?" Although it is the question that is often left unanswered, it leads to other questions and a greater understanding of whatever it is you are thinking about.
I have never really viewed the desire to die and go to heaven as a selfish one. (I don't wish for that very often, actually. Maybe I should more, though. I have always seen it as something that I will wish for when I am an old lady.) I think you are right. Even a desire that seems like a righteous one can be wrong if the motive of our heart is wrong.
I think you can find some answers to the questions you asked in paragraph four in Romans 7:14-25. Even Paul struggled with having a desire to do the right thing and no ability to do it.
I'm glad you are thinking about this. But don't get discouraged or be too hard on yourself, my friend. I love you!!! :)