I meant to finish up about Africa before I posted again, but I've been going through some things, and it always makes me feel better to write it down.
These 'things' were brought on by the Truth Project, as has happened before, and have really just shaken my hold on what I thought was real, and what my life (I thought) was all about.
I find it ironic that I am going through this right as I get back from a life changing mission trip. That as I come off the spiritual 'high' that you get whenever you are totally immersed in something so focused on God, I start to lose my focus so quickly. I am really just digested with myself, that I am SO easily distracted by things that don't matter. And even more, the fact that even after I am AWARE of this issue, I continue to be distracted. Time and time again I have to pull my attention back from wherever it was........(who knows really).......and focus on Christ.
I think it all comes down to; Where am I Finding My Significance?
all the ministries I'm involved in?
being an example?
stuff? (cell phone, comp, clothes, car, etc)
knowing that I'm right?
Or am I truly looking to Christ Jesus for EVERYTHING?
Honestly? I would have to say no........and even more sad, is I don't know if I have ever truly found everything that I needed in God. I say that I am trusting Him, and that all I have is His. But I'm always working other angles, looking for ways to make myself look better or even having false humility, all for the praise of men. How stupid.
And how must God feel each and every time I do this? It actually physically hurts me to think about this, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Because I know that I can never stop in my own power, that it is not possible for me to find all of my significance in Christ without a miracle. Is a miracle possible? Oh yes, I serve a God of miracles.
You want to know one of the coolest things that I have heard in a long time? (and I've heard this before, but didn't really get it)
God, The God of The Universe, (mountain maker, ocean tamer, star creator, wind breather, you know....GOD), well, He adopted me into His family.............He LIVES in me!!!
(now do I understand this? nope. Do I believe this? Yup. Do I believe that this is really real? I don't know if I can actually comprehend it)
God is 3 persons.....but one. Infinity divided by 3= infinity. Infinity divided by 36 = infinity. How is this possible? I have no idea. But I do understand that this is how God (all of Him) can live inside me, and live inside you, and live inside cousin Bob :) All at the same time. mind blowing.
Read a verse in Ephesians this morning that goes with this so well;
Eph. 1:13 - 14
In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation--having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise,
14 who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God's own possession, to the praise of His glory.
I thought it was pretty cool, that after I listened to the message of truth, accepted Christ, than I was sealed in Him, adopted into His family, with the Holy Spirit, who is given as a pledge of my inheritance, that I am God's own possession..........wow.
Now if I can just keep these Truths in the forefront of my mind, for them to be the what I am thinking about and meditating on. I feel like I have just scratched the surface, and that there is SO MUCH MORE that God wants to show me.
lost in the fake reality...
consumed by the skin of this world....
knowing in my heart what is real, but being deceived is NOT an excuse.....
I know WHO is the way, the Truth, and the life.....
my heart is cold
I feel nothing
my mind is numb
there must be something
than just getting through the day
doing what has to be done
struggling with words to say
where is the passion?
the bravery and courage?
life seems like just a struggle to get higher
out of an endless nothingness
where is the light?
am I blind?
or will it just always be night?
Lord I want to be broken
spilled out for You
oh God, I want to be broken
my plans and wishes torn in two
please use me now
in ways I can't imagine
and through that
give me a peace that man can't fathom
do anything you want with me
'cause all I want is to BE FREE
give me the strength to trust
when you close and open doors
my heart is broken
and my pride is on the floor