everlasting. never ending.

I have always thought of wanting to go to Heaven as a sign of spiritual maturity and a realization of what really matters.
But today I had a new thought:
What if wanting to go to Heaven, or home as I call it, is just selfishness?
Why do I want to go home?
What are my motives?
Am I truly focused completely on God and what He wants?

I think that the answer to these questions are simple. I am selfish. I want to go home because I am 'tired' of this world. I want to escape all the pain, confusion, and chaos.
I basically want to give up. I am saying that this is too hard and I don't want to do it anymore.
I am not focused on God at all, I am focused solely on myself and what I want.

I have been trying to think about what this mindset says about what I think about God. What it is saying to Him. I am telling God that I do not trust Him. I do not think He has a good plan for my life, and that I really don't appreciate everything He has blessed me with.
Doesn't God have a intricately designed plan for my life?
Is He not trying to show me love and make me more like Him with all the 'hard' things He puts in my life?
Do I not have a mission here on this earth? One that does NOT involve always being happy and pleased about what is happening to me.

This is such a hard thing to really get.
I like feeling sorry for myself.
I like being all self-righteous because I am 'tired' of the evil world and want to go to Heaven, where it is holy.
Why is it so hard to embrace every hardship as an opportunity for growth and wisdom?
And WHY WHY WHY is my first instinct to think about myself every single moment of every single day?
Am I redeemed or not? Have I been sanctified? Am I being transformed or conforming more everyday?

I am.

If there is one thing I DO know it is that I have a Savior.
He saved me.
I am saved.
From selfishness. And pride, and everything else that makes up my old flesh.
I have faith in this.
I press on because of this.
I will overcome and one day I will go Home. But it will be God's timing. His will.
And Oh, what a glorious day that will be.

be free
~noel~

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
-Inside Out, Seventh Day Slumber

cornerstone

God is my everything.
Without Him I am nothing.
He is the air I breathe and my reason for breathing.
I love Him because He first loved me, because that is what I was made to do; love God.
If I do not love God I have nothing. I am nothing.
The whole basis for Christianity is love. Started with love, ended with love, and there is so much love in between.
You show love by your actions. Not by words, feelings, or thoughts.
I have a conviction to love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength because it is the basis of The Truth.
If I do not believe this, then everything else is a lie and my life has no meaning or purpose.

rAnDom ON pURpoSe

I like order.
I appreciate symmetry, and things that 'go' together.
Chaos stresses me. Disarray jumbles my thinking.
A place for everything, and everything in its place.

But, I also like to be random. As in without rhyme or reason. No method or logical sequence. Its surprisingly hard to be random sometimes. My brain is not really wired that way. I tend to think in an orderly and precise train of thought. One thing leads to another, and I rarely get 'off' topic.
As I get older I do believe that I am learning to loosen up and relax. And the more I realize that being random is a gift, because randomness leads to laughter, and if you can make people laugh then you will always have friends.
'Laughing with friends is good for the soul' - Me :)

So; this is my attempt at randomness and I hope it brings a smile to your face (because it looks SO much better that way hehe)

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Grandparents on facebook is weird, and downright creepy.

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When I type the lol I actually say 'laugh out loud' in my head.
I also have the tendency to mouth all the words as I type them.

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Speaking in an accent instantly makes talking more fun.

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Whenever you are trying to make polite conversation it always helps to speak loud enough that they can hear you.

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There should be a law that all grocery stores must follow the same basic layout.

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No, I did not turn up the radio because you started singing, I just couldn't hear it very well.

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Having a bad day? Just go to an auto parts store, they treat girls like royalty there.

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It is not about what you say, its about what you communicate.

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I like to play peek-a-boo with random babies at Wal-mart. Which either makes the mother smile or give me a dirty-you're-a-creeper-look :P

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Just because I'm wrong, does not make you right.

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Marriage; the only family you can choose.....hmm

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Writing about music is like dancing about architecture

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'If I answer the phone and they have an Indian (as in India) accent, I hang up.' - mom

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Normal is boring. Whoever invented normal anyways? What is the standard that 'we' judge 'normal' by?

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Nothing tips like a cow.

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'Ello poppet. 'Ello chum.

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'Is that you breathing? 'Cause I can't hear myself think! There's too much going on here; you're asthmatic, you're a robot. And why the cape? Are we going to the opera? I don't think so.' - Kah Mun Rah (I have come baaaaack to life!)

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British people have so many cool words (must be said with accent): Smashing. Brilliant. By jove! Bimble (to wander aimlessly). Cheeky. Daft. Blimey. Kerfuffle (fight). Manky (sick). Naff (lame, cheap, tacky). Numpty (stupid person). Oy! Spot on. Ta (thanks awfully). Telly. Wonky (off, not straight, something wrong.

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R-U-N-N-O-F-T

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Hope you enjoyed my attempt at randomness, on purpose :)

be free
~noel~

2009_a year of learning_

I suppose that when I get older New Year's will be less dramatic and important. Right now though it is pretty cool, a brand new year. A whole year has gone by. Just the mystery of it, what is going to happen in 2010? How am I going to change? And what will I learn?



2009 seems like it just started, and yet the last year has been the most life-changing for me so far. I feel much older somehow, while at the same time knowing how young and naive I really am.

I will never forget some of the things that happened last year, they have shaped my character and personality into something completely different.

{2009} - You have stretched me beyond myself.

January and February was basketball, basketball and more basketball. I helped coach, along with running the clock and keeping the book, both very valuable life skills.
In March I planned, shopped, packed, and cooked for the ski trip (with Whitney). 3 meals a day, 40 people, 7 days.
April marked the beginning of conference season and most of my time was devoted to Character Focus. Through April and May I helped with 3 Children's Conference's, one a trip to Arkansas where I participated in 2 youth led revivals. I started teaching Sunday school in May, and I love it! My group, 10-12, has changed the way I view 'kids', and I am continually amazed by how smart they are.
In June we had our church VBS, or Character Week, it was done a little different this time, and I was in charge of a team for the first time. The responsibility was a challenge, but one I very much enjoyed. I also was able to talk with Jose, he was a 2nd grader I taught in Character First all year, then he came to Character Week. He started asking me questions, and I had the privilege of leading him to Jesus :).
July was slower, started watching the Truth Project with the leadership team, and I will be forever changed by those discussions. Was able to play basketball in some scrimmages, and found out that I'm not as old as I thought.
The end of July was the beginning of the RSI Africa trip to Kenya. This 3 week trip was unlike anything I have ever experienced. Whenever I think about the past year Africa always comes to mind first, every time. There are too many thoughts and emotions about this subject, words can not properly express it, besides this; Africa will be forever etched in my heart.
September; the whole family went to the beach for vacation. 7 amazing, wonderful, relaxing, quiet, beautiful days......*sigh*
October was crazy. Leadership retreat, picture party, camping in the freezing cold. Start of mission day, and BIBLE CLUB! Watched a good friend jump from a plane and hit 3,000 texts for the first time.
November.....most definitely a learning month. I think I wrote more in my journal than the last 3 months combined. Conclusion; God is always faithful. Happiness is not the same as joy. The friends I have are the best ever. My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty, there nothing my God can not do.
I must confess that I was happy to see November go, and December did not disappoint. It was a very good month, so very busy and fun.
Goodbye 2009, you were amazing and have showed me how life is worth it, every second.

firstborn vs girly-girl

I'm alive. Barely.
Though I'm not sure anyone ever reads these ramblings of mine.
If you do, and have been worried about my silent state over the past week or so, I am dreadfully sorry. You see I have been deathly ill, or pretty near to it. I also may or may not have a flair for the dramatic, and in plain speech I have been sick, very sick.
Though hopefully this evening marks a turn for the better, and I do believe that my dear mother is making chicken noodle soup which should speed the healing process along.
I have learned some things through this terrible flu, (and I'm not even going to mention the word 'swine' *shudders*), of course I'm always learning, and take it upon myself to share with you these life lessons. Although I do believe that I write more for myself than anyone else.

Whenever you are sick you seem to have loads of time on your hands, with nothing to do but think. Of course alot of the time I was too miserable to think, but I did have one or two thoughts.

First; that I have a split personality. I'm not talking about a mental thing, or a bipolar whatever. Let me explain........One part of my personality likes to be in control. Is responsible, can take charge, is independent, not afraid. Remains calm and cool under pressure, and likes taking risks, adventurous. I call this my firstborn-leader-take charge personality.
The other part of my personality I call my girly-girl personality. This one comes out in alot of different situations, but mostly when I'm unsure, scared or with certain people. I'm a little timid, quiet, more than willing to let someone else make ALL the decisions and be 'in charge.' I enjoy being 'taken care of' and protected. Being alone is a fear, and not knowing who to trust scares me. I don't let people see this side of me very often, which isn't always a good thing I think. Working on it.

Second; I have always thought that I like being left alone when I was sick. This is not true! It sucks, and I will gladly accept any help from now on :)

Third; I have the best friend's in the whole world, and I miss them. I'm going stir crazy! I need OUT!!! *sigh* I don't like being cooped up.....though I couldn't go anywhere right now if I wanted - feeling and looking like death prevent me from doing such things.

Thats about it, and it probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense due to the fact that my train of thought isn't flowing properly and my memory has gaps in it.....(hint; please don't use anything I may have done or said in the past 3 days against me!!)

be free
~noel~

{soli deo gloria}

For God's Glory Alone

Can you know something is the truth, and not believe it at the same time?

Belief is an action. Not a feeling, or a thought. What you believe is what you live out in your day to day life.

I am;

Struggling.

Reaching.

Striving.

Searching.

Wanting.

Waiting.

Trying. . . . . . Trying to be more than what I can be. The constant battle to push my'self' out, and fill that emptiness with Christ.

Where is the balance between; A) Giving up, because the task 'to be like Christ' is impossible. B) Becoming self righteousness and legalistic, forgetting about grace. C) Being 'satisfied' with how far you've come, pride basically. Or D) Focusing so much on 'fixing' yourself that you're scared to help other people, or witness, because you might do it wrong.

I confess that I swing between A and C. Quite a big swing actually, I find myself asking God to just take me home, cause I'm tired of trying, and heaven would just be easier. Than I look back to what I was like few years ago and start feeling good about myself, and how much I have grown.

Notice all of the "I's"???

Those are my root 'issues'......Stubborn, selfish, pride. Could they be any bigger? *rolls eyes*

If only I could somehow control my body/actions/words with a 5 min delay, or a 5 day delay. If I could just think through everything I did, than I could get it right more. But than I wouldn't need God as much.

Note to self; ANYTHING GOOD/RIGHT/HOLY/ACCEPTABLE/PURE/WISE/TRUTH that comes of out of you - Noel, is of GOD. period.

Had a revelation; (this is what I call those 'aha!' moments when God lets me see through His eyes for a little bit, and I actually 'get' it, what He is trying to show my dense self)
Did you know that God is not this huge judge sitting on a throne way above everyone just waiting to point out each and every little wrong thing we do? Its true!

I was sitting there thinking about all the things I have done wrong, and just expected this feeling of guilt and shame......but it never came. Instead I just had this overwhelming sense of love. That yes I have sinned, but God still loves me. And when He looks at me he doesn't see all of the bad things I have done, but rather through the blood of Jesus; clean, pure, holy.

Why? This blows my mind! How can I even begin to understand it......Tis impossible.
And yet, understanding is not the same as believing. And I truly believe that God loves me, so much!

In conclusion I shall share a quote that Megan and I wrote together;
Life is drama
Drama is what makes life not boring. What makes life not boring is also what makes it stressful.

be free
~noel~

UN-failing love.

my heart is heavy.
thoughts spinning, climbing, weaving, whirling, plunging, going everywhere about everything.
I wish.
I don't know what I wish.
I don't know what I want
I don't know who I am.
I don't know who I am supposed to be.
I don't know where I am supposed to go.
what I am supposed to be doing.
thinking.
saying.
feeling.
hoping.

Trust.
what does that mean?
I use this so tritely.
I am holding onto my life with a death grip, my knuckles are white. I can feel it.
I'm not sure I can let go. I keep trying. Its not working.
words. all words.
words mean NOTHING.
actions being EVERYTHING.
Oh God.....
my heart is like stone. but still beating. still feeling. still wanting something more. more than life, more than little pieces of happiness strewn across a desert of heartbreak.
why doesn't my heart break for the things that break God's heart?
my selfishness and pride.
so many lost. hurting. needy. outcast. oppressed. sick. captive. deserted. confused. broken. dying.
yet, I can sit here with tears running down my face, and still in another hour or so I'll be right back where I started.
I. AM. NEEDY.
I. am. hurting.
I am confused.
I am dying.
I am taken captive.
I am broken.

God sees beauty in my brokenness.

Less of me. More of You, oh GOD!

The answer; to love and be loved by God alone.
This IS The Truth. Veritas. Amen.

broken before the Lord,
~noel~

Beauty for ashes
A garment of praise
For my heaviness
Beauty for ashes
Take this heart of stone
And make it Yours
Trading all that I have for all that is better
(beauty for ashes)

Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You
And only You
Lord I want to yearn
Oh You give life and breath
Through Him You give all things
In Him we live and move
That's why I sing
(yearn)

Use me, break me, waste me on
You, Lord
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You
For to die is to live
To starve is to feast
And less of me is more of Jesus
Lord, I want it all
If I loose my life
I gain everything
(I want it all)

I've tried more of me
And I've come up dry
Trading You for things
Things that go away
My happiness is found in less
Of me and more of You
I have found the answer is
To love and be loved by You alone
You crucify me and the world to me
And I will only boast in You
I'm so satisfied
At the thought of You
Growing up in me
Covering everything
You are loved by me
(the answer)

How long, O Lord
Will You forget me?
How long, O Lord, will you hide?
Hide Your face from me
How long must I wrestle with me
And everyday have sorrow in my heart
I will wait on You
I will wait on You
I will wait on You
For I will trust in Your unfailing love
My heart rejoices in Your salvation
I will sing to the Lord
For He has been good to me
(Psalm 13)

-Shane and Shane