Sad

I have had so many people tell me I looked sad the past week, and I've said no, that I was tired....etc.
But I think I am sad, and I don't know why, and that is really bothering me. I have no reason to be sad, God has blessed me SO much, yet when I really think about it, I do feel sad.

I am in a rut, just doing the same thing every day, and not trying to do anything about it.

What is wrong with me? I sound like an old person, or someone who has no hope. Yet, I am young, I have my whole life ahead of me, and with my Savior I can do anything.

So what is keeping me back?
Am I scared of the unknown, or that God will ask me to do something I don't want to?
Or am I just prideful, thinking 'I can figure it out by my-self'?
I don't know, but I don't like it.

In all of this I keep thinking, 'Where are You God? Why can't I hear Your voice? Or see Your plan?'

Maybe it is because I am not looking, or listening.........
I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with God is not what I want it to be.
I don't put Him first
I don't wait to hear His voice or see His plan
I just barge ahead with what I want, thinking in my own mind that I know what God wants, I'm just taking the initiative and doing it.

I can't go on like this, I do not want to end up a bitter, hypocritical church-goer.
I have to change

be free
~noel~

I’m tired of putting one foot in front of the other
I’m weary of where it leads me to
I’m tired of moving on from my Father
Make me rest my head, take a breath or two

Simply stated simple minded love for You Has simply been completely complicated
And I’m finding this daily drudgery is finally catching up to me
It’s time for this abandon to make much of You and less of me
I want to breathe in
I want to breathe in and out again
-Jimmy Needham, A Breath or Two

Trinity Angeline

My Mom woke up Saturday morning with contractions and bleeding, so my Dad went ahead and took her to the hospital. When they got there the doctors checked everything, and while there wasn't anything wrong, Trinity's heart beat was too fast. So the Doctor said that my Mom was having a baby today, and they could try and induce, but because they didn't know what was wrong she recommended a c-section. So my Mom and Dad prayed about it, and said go ahead, Trinity was born around 1:15 Saturday August 16, 2008. She is doing well, and my Mom is much better, she was able to nurse yesterday and Trinity retained all of it. Mom should be home either Wednesday or Thursday, and the nurse said that Trinity can come home when she maintains her body temperature, and can suck, swallow, breathe. And she is doing the last three, so keep praying.

I got to hold her yesterday, she was so tiny! I was afraid I was going to crush her, she is such a miracle. She makes it all totally worth it! :) Please pray for me too, I am going to be 'mom' for the next several days, if not weeks. And I'm taking over the Wednesday meal for the next month. Thank you for all your prayer, and all the people who visited us, you are such a blessing!

be free

~noel~

I just wasted 10 seconds of your time

Seriously, time is going by sooooooo fast. I was looking at my calender trying to figure out when I could go visit my Aunt, and I realized that I will not be able to until at least October. For crying out loud! Where has this year gone? School starts this week, I'm not ready for summer to end, it feels like it just started.

I feel like I keep harping on the same subjects.......time going by so fast, not knowing what to do with my life, waiting, waiting waiting. But nothing else is really going on, duh lol.

Since I don't have anything else to post; here are some poems that I wrote........they're pretty bad, so you know I'm really desperate :p

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Help me stop clouding my mind
With things that don't matter
Your voice I can't find
Nothing is becoming clearer
I want to be in Your presence
But I keep thinking 'tomorrow'
I know I can't stay on the fence
But how do I get off of it?
Sometimes I feel so lost
I know You are there
Than I think about the cost
And I feel overwhelmed
I feel like one of those clouds
That cover up the sun, yet allow bits of light through
Make me less proud
That You may shine more brightly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sit here pen in hand
Thinking, listening and
Questioning things I have
Always believed in
What is right or wrong
Why do I question where I belong
I am a sinner saved by grace
Jesus Christ took my place
Nailed to a cross forsaken and alone
Now, 2,000 years later I am lost
in the fake reality
Consumed by the skin of this world
Knowing in my heart what is real
But being deceived
Is not an excuse
I know what is the truth
The way and life
And He is the only way to Paradise

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My life is not my own
I have given it to the
One who is the maker of it
Starbreather, Universe creator
I can feel Him all around me
Down to my very fingertips
How He could love someone like me
is a mystery
How He would make me a Princess
Is unimaginable, unbelievable
Yet, it happened
Words are nothing, actions being
Everything, so much time wasted
Live today like your last, live like
You're redeemed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

be free
~noel~

Another Year

Time flies by so fast, I know you hear that a lot, but it really does. As I celebrated my birthday yesterday, I looked back over the last year and it really felt like time was actually flying past me. Where did it go? Our whole lives revolve around time, I wish I could count how many times a day I look at a clock, (that is my fav thing about vacation, I really try not to look at a clock at all, but that is another story). I keep saying that I want to slow down and take a breath, but you can't slow time it is going by at the same speed, one second at a time.
I wouldn't go back, but as I get older I realize that I'm not to crazy about going forward either. I want to learn to just embrace each moment as it comes, to always be content no matter where I am at. I want to be mature and grown-up, but not stuffy or stiff. I want to be fun to be around, but at the same time be an example. To project an air of sophistication without seeming stuck-up :). To be able to speak the truth in love. To look my age....well maybe that is not as important lol.
___________________________

Moving on, I am enjoying life, I really am! I love my family & I have incredible friends. I do have a job........for the time being, and I have all my teeth lol (just thought of something randomly lol)
Until someone asks me what I'm going to do.............................AH! If someone asks me that one more time I'll, I'll, I'll ............................prolly do nothing, but I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!! :-(
I DON'T KNOW, OKAY? Just leave me alone.
The other day I thought about every time someone asked me that saying; "Mooching off my parents, and trying to catch a man."
That ought to shut them up, huh? I really want to say it, just to see the reaction.
I really envy people who seem to have their lives all planned, college, sports, a good job.....even marriage. But I don't know what I want, and more importantly I don't know what God wants.
That is another thing that frustrates me; I pray all the time that God would show me His will, I've been having a quiet time, reading my bible, and memorizing scripture. Still nothing, zilch, nada. So I'm waiting...............................I hate waiting.
Really hate it.

be free
~noel~

Isaiah 26:8
Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 38:15
I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.
Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

P.S.
I guess God knew we were going to do a lot of waiting :)

Quiet Thoughts

I have not been having a regular quiet time, I have been reading my bible and praying. But actually taking the time to be quiet and think about different stuff hasn't really happened for a while. Well, last night I decided to just do it, so here are some thoughts that I came up with;

You are always hearing people say 'be your-self, be you', I even sign off 'Be Free'......
But that's not entirely the right thing, I don't want to be my-self because my 'Self' is wicked and perverse, not the qualities I want to be.
I want to be like Christ, that is my ultimate goal, to grow to be more like Him, to practice that everyday. So don't be your 'Self', be Jesus Christ who is in you. And 'Be Free' in Him, because He died to give us that freedom.

I was reading in Psalms and this verse really stood out to me;
Psalm 24:6
'This is the generation of those who seek Him, who seek Thy face.'

How powerful is that? Wow, I get chills every time I think about it.............
I want to make it happen, I want to see this generation seek Him. Think about how big a difference could be made if a whole generation was committed to seeking God.

I have been memorizing 2 Tim 2, and I have been thinking a lot about verse 4;
'No one engaged in warfare entangles him-self with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier.'
And at first I just thought, 'yeah, that makes sense, soldiers have to be one minded that's good'
Than I thought; 'wait, its talking about me. I have to be one minded, not wrapped up in all the drama and chaos of this life.....that is hard!'
'Cause so many times that is all I think about, what I'm focused on.....what I'm going to do the next day, what is going on in this person's life, how many problems I have, etc.
When those things should just be minor inconveniences, just tiny little road bumps. The Main focus should be on the 'War' between good and evil, God and Satan, a war for the very lives of all mankind. How could that be less important than who said what to who?
*sigh* To borrow the word of a good friend; that FRUSTRATES me!
What are we thinking? How does our world, our whole lives get shrunk down to these little mini soap opera's?

I titled this post quiet thoughts, but maybe it should be LOUD thoughts lol.
I try not to get discouraged by my lack of growth, but sometimes I look back at my almost 11 years of following Christ and think 'How far have I really come? What difference am I really making?'
All I can do is just keep trying, and trusting in God to catch me when I fall.

be free
~noel~

1 Timothy 1:18-19
Timothy, my son, I give you this instruction in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by following them you may fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.

Anticipation

I love looking forward to things....thinking about them, how much fun I'll have, what I'll wear etc.
I almost like that more than actually doing it. But right now I don't really have anything that is coming up, and I don't like it.
I need to work on contentment, accepting who I am and what I am doing, I think a lot of it is the fact that I'm less than two weeks away from turning 19, and still have NO clue what I'm gonna do this next year.
I definitely do not want to just sit at home, I want to be active....to DO something, something that matters.
I was convicted last Sunday that I was facing every day with the mindset of just getting through it, doing what had to be done and getting it over with.
When I should be looking for ways to make EVERY day count for eternity, because that is the only thing that really matters, not just making it through the day.
Sometimes I feel like a worm or an animal that lives underground, just doing what it has to, to survive, never taking the time to come 'up' and see the beauty that is around them.
So my goal this week is to slow down, take a deep breath, and listen...........look............see what I've been missing. And just maybe I will learn something new, be a light, even feel some direction. Starting now....................................

be free
~noel~

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me you heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
-Brandon Heath

Character Week- Part Good

I was just re-reading my post from yesterday and realized how negative I sounded. Sorry about that :(
I am having an awesome time, I love working with kids, though I hadn't realized how much it took to be up on stage..........its hard work! I have a better appreciation for 'those' people now....
And the people I'm working with are amazing, everything is really going smoothly, and it should just get better....so I AM going to make it through the next 2 days, we're going to finish strong and make this the BEST CHARACTER WEEK EVER!!!!!! :D lol.
Love you guys.
be free
~noel~