Hard Things.

I don't know the meaning of the word 'hard'.

All of my life I have been sheltered, pampered, taken care of, protected and given the easy way.

I don't know what it is like to;

have lost a close relative.

have only one parent.

had my heart broken.

been hungry.

little or no physical pain.

been without sleep for long.

felt totally alone.

had a serious sickness.

experienced something traumatic.

watched a loved one suffer.

done something that has effected my whole life, for worse.

Sure I have done things wrong (many, many things wrong), have hurt myself and others, been sick, had someone die, etc.........But nothing like things that many other's have experienced.

And I have to ask the question, because I'm sure many of you are wondering this very thing, why me??

Why have I been so blessed?

There are people that I come in contact with every single day that are hurting, suffering, feeling completely alone, without hope, desperate, empty, and lost. Maybe not all of those, but some of those feelings are present in most people.

This is heartbreaking.
I can literally feel my heart aching as I think about this.

I find it very ironic that as I am writing this we get a call that my brother Daniel was in a car accident and is on his way to the hospital.

He is fine, just banged up some........A little scared, but proud of his adventure (boys!)

Again, I am blessed. Beyond measure. Undeserving, and seldom am I as grateful as I should be.

Thankful; that God gives me many opportunities to see my blessings, and hurt for other people.

Hoping; that I will continue to be grateful for what I have, and that when tragedies come I will turn to God.

Trusting; that the Lord will continue to grow me in this area, and keep my eyes open to hurting, lost, desperate people.

Praying; all the time. for peace, love, and patience. and healing, for so many broken hearts.

~noel

simple pleasures.

~Simplicity~

Such a lovely word.

I like simple things, clean spaces, and quiet moments.

And most often it is the little things that make me happy.

Like this corner of my room, every time I see it, it is like taking a deep breath and letting it all out.

My Coffin

'To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell.' C.S. Lewis

I have lived for 21 years ashamed of my vulnerability, trying to keep my heart locked up.

Partly because this is natural, and partly because that is what I thought I was supposed to do, what I had been taught to do. To take my heart and keep it safe, sharing it with no one, keeping all emotions at bay.

This made me aloof, seemingly uncaring, insensitive, having no compassion, prideful, and safe in my 'coffin of selfishness'.

Is this life?? Keeping anyone and anything out that might hurt me?
I don't think so.
Reading Bible stories I can't find many hero's or heroine's who did this. All of the Godly men and women that I look up to are incredibly vulnerable, giving everything to minister to just one person. Or thousands.

And isn't Jesus the very epitome of vulnerability? I mean the God-man Himself had no where to even lay His head! No home, His family didn't believe in Him, the very men that should have known that He was the Savior brought about His death, He gave of Himself to everyone, and He made the greatest sacrifice that anyone has ever made; He suffered, separated Himself from His very own Father, and died a shameful death. Jesus didn't even know the meaning of the word HIDE. He hid nothing. He gave everything. And He is asking me to do the same.

He is asking you to do the same.

fear. panic. terror. fright. dread. alarm. dismay. apprehension. concern.

I have struggled with these things my whole life.
They are part of my daily routine.
I wake up, I brush my teeth, I make my bed, I put on my fears.

Rational fears. Irrational fears. Doesn't really matter, they all go in my mind and start dictating my words, thoughts, and actions.

And the longer I live the more things I find to be afraid of......

breaking a bone.

having a wreck.

losing something important.

disappointing the people around me.

being late.

spiders in my bed.

damaging a relationship.

someone I love dying.

not having the right answer.

hurting my family.

losing a friend.

making the wrong decision and ruining my life.

regrets.

not following the Spirit and losing the opportunity to be a light.

damaging my witness.

being alone. forever.

missing the chance to be who God wants me to be.

cracking an egg and cutting my thumb off.

public speaking.

having a broken heart.

losing hope.

living my life without peace.

never knowing the full extent of what God has for me.

Isn't that ridiculous????

In less then ten minutes I came up with a HUGE list of things I am afraid of, and I know better.

I believe, with all my heart, that God's word is true, and He has something to say about fear;

'Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear, though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord FOREVER. All the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord, and to seek Him in His temple.' Psalms 27:2-4

'God is refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we WILL NOT FEAR, though the earth give way, and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.' Ps. 46:1-2

'So do not fear, for I am with you,; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' Isaiah 41:10

'For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' Romans 8:15

'There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear.' 1 John 4:18

By the mercy and grace of my Abba I will find peace, His love will cast out my fear, and will have courage and boldness to do the right thing.

Until then, because I know this is a constant struggle, a battle with my flesh, I will be secure in the fact that He loves me. Treasures me. Holds me. And catches each tear that falls.

~noel

[I promised to share some of my journal entries from while I was gone, so this is the first in a series......however long I decide to do this haha.]

(Zambia)

Sunday, June 13

Finally feel like I am here, in Africa, for a month. And I am so glad to be here.........

I forgot so much; the smells, the roads, the food, the stars, the people, wow I forgot how much I love these people.

Long day, actually I am not sure that there will be ANY short days in Africa haha.

Sorted, organized and set-up this morning. Then registered pastor's from 1pm-5pm. Worship service, more registering, shaking hands, seeing eyes full of contagious joy. And let me tell you there are two guys who started singing this afternoon whose voices were so beautiful that I almost wanted to cry.

They know what worship is, enough said.

Started getting a little stressed tonight about the youth meetings, starting tomorrow, that we have not prepared for, at all.

I made a plan for the meetings before bed, so I feel better about that.

Monday, June 14

Today was a very good day, ending with my first hot shower since leaving home, amazing how important the small things are.

Had our first youth meeting(s) today, it went very smoothly. God gave us grace and His hand was on us. The first place was a school, and we spoke outside on this raised flagpole hill-place, to about 300 kids, ages 6-18. It was amazing, everyone seemed to have the right words. I had no idea what I was going to say, but felt God with me as I shared how Jesus changed my life (in the areas of love for my siblings, fear, peace, and love for people.) John gave a really good salvation message, Mark, Britton and Amber gave their personal testimonies also.

Came back to the compound for lunch, hung out a little. I really like these people, they're a lot of fun. Second place we went to this afternoon was an hour and 20 min out, waaaaaaaay back in the bush :P

It was fun too, we spoke to about 75 7,8, & 9 yr olds. I liked it because I got to tell the story of creation and they liked it. On a side note; I have officially experienced Africa in the form of my first turkish toilet. Hurray.

O, to capture the moment.

I have been trying to set aside time to start blogging about Africa for a while now. It never seemed to work out, but I have finally found some time.
There is only one problem though, where in the world to start???
How can I explain a whole month of foreign experiences in a few short sentences, or even many long ones?

I wish I could capture;
the joy on the people's faces,
their openness and willingness to listen
the knowledge that God IS right here
feeling so close to the sky I could touch it
being exhausted but somehow refreshed and uplifted
working together with one mind and purpose to accomplish a common goal
listening to a pastor tell me that he knows 5 languages and is going to learn French this summer, then asks me how many languages I know
seeing great evangelist's and teacher's share their personal testimonies and love for lost people
knowing that everyone is being pushed to their breaking point but somehow coming through stronger
realizing that the child I am holding will probably never have 1/16 of all the blessings I do
walking through a village being stared at by hundreds of huge black eyes because my skin is a different color
sharing my testimony in front of strangers, terrified, but feeling love and compassion for them because they are lost and need a Savior
watching children sing and dance with such joy and passion, all the while having nothing compared to everything I have
teaching about forgiveness to teenagers that most likely have had things done to them that I can not even imagine
laughing is the same in any language, but somehow it is sweeter when the little girl's eyes flash with such joy, and her smile is blinding against her smooth ebony skin
learning new words and songs that help me communicate God's love with others

And that is just the beginning. A few memories. Just a glimspe of what God showed me. I still can not believe that I had the privilage of being His ambassador for a month in 3 different countries. I know that I have this same privilage here at home all the time, but I feel incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to go, and see, and experience.

be bold. be compasionate. be simple. be open. be more Christ-like.

~noel

a grand adventure.

Well.


It is here.



Dun dun duuuuuun.



After what seems like waiting forever, praying every day, hoping, wishing, wanting.....It has come.

In exactly 10 hours I will be at the Will Rogers World airport about to leave on a month long adventure to Zambia and Tanzania, Africa.

I can hardly believe it.

Though, looking back it was a long journey to get here. I feel ready, yet uncertain, excited, but nervous, at peace, with some worry thrown in. I have never been away from home this long before, and to be in a third world country halfway around the world? Wait a minute, did I say I wanted to do this? I am too young, too inexperienced. Someone older, and more mature should be going. All of this keeps going through my head, as I remember how God has brought me here. The faithfulness and provision that He has shown me is overwhelming. Starting with a $100 from a stranger at the post office, to an anonymous gift of $2,100 I can see, so very clearly, the hand of God on this decision. Is there any greater feeling then to know, I mean really know; without a doubt, that you are in the center of the Lord's will for your life??? I don't think so.



This week has been crazy. I usually like to start packing at least a week in advance because I have this dread, or fear of forgetting something uber important. But, I started Monday.....and didn't get very far. Yesterday I did a little better, but still had to do other things and my room was still a disaster at 10pm.
I finally buckled down and got-r-dun.
At the moment I am one pound under the limit and praying that my scales are not off.



I will be journaling lots while in Africa and I will try and post some of those entries when I get back. Please be praying for me and the team. I was surprised last year by the amount of spiritual warfare that I could see and feel. Your prayers DO help, and WILL make a difference, thank you!!
So, its time.
Goodbye, farewell, and au revoir :)

~noel~