**Disclaimer; I, Mirage Noel Boyd, am not in my right mind, (or maybe I am) but not my normal right mind, and have just written out my rambling ramblings as they have come into my poor tired, overwhelmed, stressed out, slightly weird HEAD. The following may confuse you, will probably not make sense, and might cause you to think I am crazy. I most likely am. Makes life more interesting. Happy reading.**

weary.
sometimes life is not happy.
sometimes life seems pointless.
sometimes life is beautiful.
sometimes life is heartbreaking.
thoughts seem hazy, just out of reach, coming into focus only to disappear into a confusing web of endless questions.
my heart hurts.
my head hurts.
my body hurts, wait, thats just the gym.
why do I keep setting myself up for failure? why do I keep striving for perfection when it is not possible? (in my own strength)

I have a Savior who loves me. This knowledge gives me the courage to face each day, to keep doing the next thing, and trusting that there is a plan.

Do you ever wonder?
how the grass turns green at the same time the leaves come out on the trees, turning the bleak deadness into a luscious landscape of life?
why people discriminate against people different than them, instead of marveling at the creativity of the Creator?
when a mother knows her child is getting into something without anyone telling her?
what happens when a baby stares into your eyes and seems to know what you're thinking?
who is laughing at the exact same thing you are 100,000 miles away?
I actually didn't, until just now.

oh, and one more thing; does anyone else think it is slightly weird to write out your thoughts and then send them out into cyberspace for anyone to read? Just a thought. Maybe it is completely normal, lots of people seem to be doing it.

I guess that is about it.
(not really, but that is all I am willing to share at the moment.)
Think through your thoughts today, it will confuse you and you can join me :)

randomly,
~noel

Mercy reaching to save me.......

......its something so beautiful, beautiful.

The crack of the sticks.....
The grunts of Someone holding in pain....
The jeers of lost souls.....
The knowledge that I DID THAT TO HIM......

*overwhelmed*

Tears stream down my face, pooling in my hands.
Hands that are outstretched, palms up, surrendered.

I have thought about the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ many times, I've grown up in church, heard all the stories, watched all the movies.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I am rarely moved. I gloss over it, 'oh yeah, Jesus died for me, thank you Jesus!'.
WHAT?
How can I think that in any way repays HIM for what He did???
It does not.
I can not.
Ever.
And the one thing He does ask of me, the thing that is already His, I don't even give that.
ME. All of me. Surrendered to Him, willingly, waiting to do whatever He asks.

As I sat there Monday night watching the beating scene from the Passion of the Christ I was completely overwhelmed.
And I had a new insight I suppose you could call it, every time I watch something like that I get 'righteously angry' at the Roman soldiers. There they are beating, spitting on, and laughing that THE SON OF GOD, GOD HIMSELF, and have no shame.
Other times I have felt ashamed for thinking this because I know that I am just like those Roman soldiers, I am just like Pilate, and I am like the self-righteous Pharisees.
But this night I saw just a glimpse of Jesus's perspective, He was being beat, spit on, and laughed at by His own creation. The very ones that He was suffering for, dying for, whom He loved more than I can EVER comprehend, were causing Him pain beyond imagining.
Yet, is this any worse then the pain I cause Him every time I go my own way, and reject Him???
I don't think so. I am no better than anyone else. If I could somehow grasp that concept it would save me so much heartache. If I could think about this before I do what I want, that I am causing the One who died for me pain and grief, I would stop.

I have never been more aware of the incredible, awe-inspiring, all consuming, all encompassing, crazy LOVE that God has for ME, then Monday night.
I could barely hold it in, I had no words, but somehow they needed to come out. Trembling, smiling, crying, a taste of heaven perhaps?

That is my journey so far. I am praying that this is only the beginning, a simple seed, with strong roots and no distractions.

be free
~noel~

To give unselfishly
To love the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
Will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at Your throne with open hands

I lift my hands open wide
Let the whole world see
How You loved, how You died, how You set me free
Free at last
I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands

To finally let go of my plans
These earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at Your cross I stand with open hands

You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung Your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid my price
So Jesus, now I will give my life

-Matt Papa, Open Hands

poor little rich me

I never really understood the analogy of life being like a winding road before the last year or so. I knew that life had surprises, but I had no idea how quickly the turns in the road happen, or how completely different the scenery is.
My life has changed so much in the past two years, in the past year, and even the past 6 months. Its crazy! I think about this often, but more so in the past couple of weeks. I am raising money to go to Africa again this year, and to be honest it is slightly overwhelming.
Last year I already had my money raised from the year before, and the money I need to raise this year is three times that amount. Plus I need funds for 3 other mission projects in the U.S. This has changed the way I think, drastically.

I remember when I had a job a year and a half ago, (has it really been that long???), how very different my thought process was.
If I really wanted something, I saved up for a little while and bought it. About once a month or so I would go shopping, cause thats what girls do, and maybe buy something(s).
I made several big purchases; computer, camera, redecorated my room, and paid for several mission trips out of my own pocket.
It is amazing how things change, that kind of thinking is foreign to me now. Not just the lacking a job/steady income/income at all, but my focus is different.

Just a few days ago I had a random thought; I wish I had a pair of Toms. I have these often, everyone does. They see something that is cool and wish they could have it too. But this time I stopped and thought about how back when I had my job I wouldn't have thought twice about buying some Toms. I might have saved for a month or so, or maybe just went out and bought them. Now, its not even a serious thought really. I would like some, but when you're trying to save as much as you can no matter how small $50 or $60 is a HUGE deal. And when I think about it there is no comparison. Period.

Think about it;

Africa__




or shoes__

yeah.....I don't feel cheated at all :)

poor, but so very rich!

be free
~noel~

Feelings of inadequacy surround me. Being humbled in so many ways. Desperation leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. Tears fall, being broken before the Lord is a painful yet incredible place to be.


I long for peace. I would rather have peace than just about anything else. Whether it is in my own life, or the people and circumstances around me. I desire this peace so much that sometimes I feel like I need to 'do' something, or change a part of my life in order to have it. Recently, as in tonight, I had a thought; what if God does not want me to just stop doing this or change how I do that. What if the real issue is my heart. My heart needs to change, I need to get to the root issue. Some of the time I think the answer is my relationship with God. I get so focused on the don't's....don't do this, don't do that, stay away from those, and I forget what is the most important; my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything else is subject to that; how I spend my time, who I am friends with, what I say and the thoughts I have. All of these things will fall into place if I have a good relationship with Christ.

I said all that to say that I am going to try an experiment for the next week or so. Instead of choosing to fast from something or change something about what I do, I am going to seek God. Earnestly, desperately, I am going to try to focus so much on Him that everything else takes a back seat. Whether this means having a 4 hour quiet time, or not getting on facebook, I am going to follow the Spirit and pray for change, a heart change, the kind that turns mediocre girls into passionate young women willing to anything for their Creator.

((desperate for changing. starving for Truth. closer then when I started. I'm chasing after You.))

People

I used to think that I had it all figured out. I thought that I was so smart and knew so much. Yet, the older I get and more I learn, I realize that I really do not know anything. And I'm not even sure that I want to. Can you imagine the pressure? The constant drama, and never ending feeling of responsibility?

I have never really been a 'people person'. Compassion and sympathy are not my strong points. I struggle with pride and judging others without taking the time to think about the big picture. Showing the love of Jesus to everyone is something that has seemed impossible; until now.

My life has changed so much in this past year or so, I do not know if I have experienced so much opposition and character building in such a short period of time. It is like I have grown in my faith more in this period than the last twelve years of my Christian walk put together.
As much as I have fought, struggled and felt like every part of my life was being thrown in the fire and put to the test, I have been encouraged by this growth. I know that is so far from over, it is a constant struggle with my flesh, an all out battle between what I want and what God wants.

I have caught myself just being amazed by God's most prized creation; people. The diversity, the creativity, and how intricate we all are. I am in awe of us, of everyone. I have seen things that have both shocked and scared me, while making me think about how different my life is than the rest of the world. And realizing that every single person on planet earth is handmade by God, and how much He loves each one.

I have never experienced compassion like this before, being sensitive is a new thing for me. Tears are closer to the surface and my heart aches for people that I do not even know. I am not being prideful or trying to show off what I have done. I realize that this is only happening through the help of the Holy Spirit. I know that this is true because I am just a prideful and selfish in other situations, but I know that God is working in this area and it is exciting to me.

seeing the world with new eyes,
~noel

A Midwinter's Evening Dream

I have 3 posts that are waiting to be finished.
Deep thoughts that I had, but did not feel like finishing.

So in the midst of feeling sad and restless, which I blame on the weather, I have decided to try a different tactic and actually finish a post. It has been 5 days since I have seen the sun for any extended period of time. And my 'normal' life has been thrown completely out of whack.

Yesterday I made the mistake of smelling sunscreen. It was an innocent little bottle, just sitting on the counter. But then I had to pick it and take a whiff. It is one of my favorite smells, because it reminds me of my favorite season; Summer.

I love Spring, and Fall is beautiful.

But for some reason Summer has a special place in my heart. I love each and every thing about it. From the very first time I wear shorts, to the last time I have my quiet time out on the porch, I savor each moment.

And because I miss it so much I decided to make myself thoroughly miserable and share some of my favorite things about the wonderful thing that is Summer.

I love the outdoors, God's creation is a wondrous thing. Walking, looking, listening, climbing, running......just being outside is amazing.

Flip flops are one of my favorite things. In the summer I rarely wear anything else. I also enjoy going barefoot :)

I am fascinated by the sky. It amazes me. The beauty. The sheer size and power.

The sun is incredible, if I had to pick the one thing (as in a thing, not people or God, just to clarify) that always makes me happy I would pick sunshine. Storms are another favorite. Thunder, lightning, wind, rain. The whole show. My mom always says that God is revealing a just a tiny bit of his glory, power, and majesty.

Stars leave me speechless. There are really no words to accurately describe them. They are stars. There is nothing like them. Just the fact that the tiny light I am seeing is coming from millions of miles away, traveling years from its source, just so I can see its beauty and wonder at the creativity of our Maker.........

I seem to be saying 'I love' and 'my favorite' over and over again.

But I did tell you that this is one of my favorite things. (there I go again!)

]Anyways, back on topic. My Grandpa has a pool and for as long as we have lived in Oklahoma we have gone over every summer and used it as much as our parents would allow.

Laying in the sun has to be one of the most peaceful things ever, in my opinion.

I also love the beach, and would spend months and months there if I could.

Lemonade reminds me of Summer, hence I love it also. I thought the picture was quite nice and made me smile :)

So, now that I am way past ready for Summer, at the beginning of February no less, I thought I would share the longing with you. Hope you enjoyed.

be free

~noel~

everlasting. never ending.

I have always thought of wanting to go to Heaven as a sign of spiritual maturity and a realization of what really matters.
But today I had a new thought:
What if wanting to go to Heaven, or home as I call it, is just selfishness?
Why do I want to go home?
What are my motives?
Am I truly focused completely on God and what He wants?

I think that the answer to these questions are simple. I am selfish. I want to go home because I am 'tired' of this world. I want to escape all the pain, confusion, and chaos.
I basically want to give up. I am saying that this is too hard and I don't want to do it anymore.
I am not focused on God at all, I am focused solely on myself and what I want.

I have been trying to think about what this mindset says about what I think about God. What it is saying to Him. I am telling God that I do not trust Him. I do not think He has a good plan for my life, and that I really don't appreciate everything He has blessed me with.
Doesn't God have a intricately designed plan for my life?
Is He not trying to show me love and make me more like Him with all the 'hard' things He puts in my life?
Do I not have a mission here on this earth? One that does NOT involve always being happy and pleased about what is happening to me.

This is such a hard thing to really get.
I like feeling sorry for myself.
I like being all self-righteous because I am 'tired' of the evil world and want to go to Heaven, where it is holy.
Why is it so hard to embrace every hardship as an opportunity for growth and wisdom?
And WHY WHY WHY is my first instinct to think about myself every single moment of every single day?
Am I redeemed or not? Have I been sanctified? Am I being transformed or conforming more everyday?

I am.

If there is one thing I DO know it is that I have a Savior.
He saved me.
I am saved.
From selfishness. And pride, and everything else that makes up my old flesh.
I have faith in this.
I press on because of this.
I will overcome and one day I will go Home. But it will be God's timing. His will.
And Oh, what a glorious day that will be.

be free
~noel~

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
-Inside Out, Seventh Day Slumber