WHY?

Why do I always try to do things in my own strength???
Its so ludicrous to think that I can even come close to doing ok on my own............
Yet so many times I mess up, and say the wrong thing, or have the wrong attitude?
Why are human beings so dense?
Why do I make the same mistakes over and over without even thinking about the consequences?

*sigh*

And I'm done being mad at myself about it, I just want to change! Surely that is the first step, admitting you have been wrong and wanting to do something about it.

Stupid flesh.....................

'Lord Jesus, please help me to walk in Your Spirit. To listen for the still small voice, and to stop trying to do things by myself. I'm so tired of living like this, but I need Your help to change!! I love You :) - me'

~drumbeat back in my heart~

I know what I want to say but I can't seem to find the words........


emotion

–noun
1.
an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.
2.
any of the feelings of joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love, etc.
3.
any strong agitation of the feelings actuated by experiencing love, hate, fear, etc., and usually accompanied by certain physiological changes, as increased heartbeat or respiration, and often overt manifestation, as crying or shaking.

I have been feeling so many emotions lately, and on one hand its not that surprising, I am a girl and all that, but on the other its weird because I'm usually not very emotional.

Today it just kind of hit me, that when you're watching a slide show for the second time and you start crying, again, just because you feel like it, maybe there is something going on. I don't even think its necessarily a bad thing, just different.
Maybe I'm becoming more sensitive as I get older.......but I don't think that is it, although I wouldn't mind, I could use some sensitivity (my sisters are agreeing I know lol).
God created emotions for a reason, though sometimes I'm not really sure what the purpose is.............I go from happy to sad, excited to depressed, stressed out to chilled, tired to hyper, love to indifference, and from all these to a weird numb feeling..........

WHAT in the WORLD is going on??

Its kind of exhausting really, maybe getting in a routine will help or at least balance me out a little.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I am, and I'm not saying that lightly, I mean really and truly blessed, in every sense of the word. Yes, there are things I might change about my life, but they're all little things, that really do not matter.

One of the things that has really been on my heart and mind recently is: AFRICA.

'Course I know that I will always be thinking about Africa in some way for the rest of my life, how could I not?

But I've just been thinking about how incredible it was that I got to go...............I am the first person out of my immediate family to leave the country (besides Mexico), and what a privilege for me, a small town girl from Oklahoma, to go to another country, across the ocean, and share about Jesus. To bring light and TRUTH to a place that needs it so badly.....

Why ME?

I'm also really excited about Mission Day! Just to think that I am part of a group of 40 young people with such a passion to share the Gospel. Our mission field is our own back yard, and how can we NOT make a difference?????? *mind blowing*

Oh my......You Grow last night......it was, well there is not really words for it.

The only thing I can think of is:
~ to be able to truly worship God
~in one spirit
~with like minded believers
~totally surrendered
~focused completely on the one TRUE God
~not caring that you're singing off key, you might look foolish kneeling on the floor, your mascara is running everywhere, and maybe lifting your hands and moving isn't your cup of tea
~but you really don't care, because the One you're worshiping made you and loves you just the way you are

Its indescribable, for real.

be free
~noel~

P.S.
This song has really been on my heart lately, it just reminds me to start each day with purpose and remember that with Jesus in my heart, how can I not have a song or beat in it??? :)

This is a draught
Been living without
The one thing life requires
What a mess
Passionless
Somewhere I lost the fire
Oh my my Where has it gone
Can anybody turn this beat back on
My heart is fast asleep
Dreaming it could bleed
For something that's real
My desperate appeal
God I’m getting tired of the way I feel
When I would rather be alive

I want to wake up
I want to restart
Put the drumbeat back in my heart
I need to be revived
Bring me back to life

Coming on slow head to toe
The pulse is back again
It’s grace in my veins - replacing the pain
Bringing me back from the dead
Oh my my now I can see
You heard me cry emergency
Screaming out for help
You saved me from myself
The fires returned
I’m letting it burn
There’s nothing better in the whole wide world
It feels so good to be alive

-Heartbeat, by Remedy Drive

JOY :)

God is my ultimate source of JOY, peace and happiness!!

But there are some earthly/temporal things that have really made me happy lately, and I want to share them with you :)

My Bible and Journal

I have really been enjoying my quiet time, and just writing my thoughts
and questions down.

My Perfume

Outside!!

I love how peaceful and quiet it is, God's creation is so amazing!

Basketball/Running

I love basketball, and I have discovered that running calms my thoughts
and allows me to vent my frustrations lol






Cell Phone
I hate to say it......but I love my phone, well more like how it
helps me talk to people. But I would be so sad if something happened to it

Mirror/Door

This is the back of my bedroom door, it makes me happy because I was

creative ALL by myself!!

Africa Shelf

This is my shelf that reminds me of Africa, and that makes

me happy :)

Music

This isn't all of it.....what? I REALLY like music lol

Roxy Shoes

These make me very happy right now...I found them at a consignment shop

for $12.00!! So comfy, and cute :)

Thats about it.....looking forward to this weekend, and dreading it at the same time. I'm having a party *YAY*!

and giving a testimony for church, plus some NOVO evaluations *SCARY*!!!

peace

be free

~noel~

Africa {part 4}

I really am going to finish this time, I promise!!
So........Thursday, August 13

We came back from the safari. We actually didn't get back to Jumuia until 5pm, I was so tired.....but found some energy to play bball with some of the guys, you gotta have priorities right? :P

The next morning the people who didn't finish shopping, myself included, went back to the market to finish. I got some great stuff! I'm so glad I bought some stuff for myself, because looking at it reminds me that it was real, that it happened. That I, Mirage Noel Boyd from Wheatland, OK, went to Africa without my family for three weeks, I made friends, sang in front of 2,000 people, shared my faith, gave testimonies, saw lions, monkeys, elephants, and giraffes, and survived 5 days in an airport(s)......

5 days........



Friday, August 14


We left for the airport at 3pm, and spent 2 hours checking in and going through customs. Our plane was supposed to leave at 7, but it was delayed................and delayed..........and delayed some more. Finally at about 11pm they loaded us all on buses and took us to a resort/hotel, it was beautiful, but I just wanted to go home. I remember during the hour drive to the resort just looking out the window, crying, thinking ' this can't be happening.' The funny, or not so funny, thing is that it was just the beginning.


Saturday, August 15


Woke up, had breakfast......some of the ladies had this 'sharing' party, where we brought what we had and shared, mostly makeup and stuff. The really sad thing was they told us to pack stuff in our carry on in case we lost our luggage or something. Well, I did that on the way there, but decided to put my souvenirs in my carry on on the way back, so I could get to them easily when I got home......

Yeah, there were so many times when I looked at those carvings and necklaces and just wanted to throw them lol. Why didn't I pack extra clothes????? Anyways, being in the same clothes for 5 days is not cool, just saying.

Around 1pm we got back on a bus and drove to the airport, where we got tickets for a plane leaving at 2:45......it was delayed, of course. And more waiting began. Because we waited in the same airport on two different days, at about the same times, I had a serious case of deja vu....and can't really separate the two days. I do know that I had a lot of fun with everyone, and I was really encouraged by every one's attitude, and how we all made the best of the situation. We FINALLY got on plane to Nairobi at 11pm, and you should have seen the mob......it was insane! We got to Nairobi around midnight, and got checked in, got all the luggage through security.....than nothing. For real.......................eventually we kind of just sat on the ground in little groups, we hadn't eaten since lunch, so we brought out all the rest of our food and shared (mostly my food lol).


The next 24 hours I don't really believe happened, seriously, it seems like some really messed up horror movie, or a nightmare from someone elses mind.


We slept on the floor, without pillows or blankets, it was SOOO cold, there were no chairs or anything. I wish we could have taken pictures because I'm sure the sight of us all sprawled out on the floor, heads on bags or jackets, shivering, I had my jacket on with the hood up and a tiny little pillow covering my face.......I'm sure it looked hilarious.


I'm not sure when 'morning' came, eventually we all 'woke' up and moved to another spot so we could be together. We played cards, rested, and talked..............


At some point they told us that our whole group had to go downtown to the main office and get boarding passes there, so they loaded up all 40 of us AND our luggage, and took us downtown.

We all sat there with our luggage for an hour, than they told us to go back to the airport.....on the way my car got searched by the police, that was scary! (ask me about it sometime)

When we got back we finally got some seats on a plane and 16 people got out, I was supposed to go, but my friend had classes starting the next day, so I let her take my place. We sat in line outside of the airport for 10 hours.....we finally got some food, my first meal in over 24 hours. Looking back now, I'm actually glad it happened. I wish it didn't, but I had made alot of memories and just got really close to those people. (sleeping together on airport floors can do that you know :P). I don't know what I would done without Megan, David, Marcus and John.....I love you guys! :)

A miracle happened at about 1am Sunday morning, we got seats on a plane to London!!! It didn't leave until 5am, but I didn't care I just wanted out!
So from this point on the 'adventure' got so much better! Being in the London airport was so amazing, it was clean, cool, had nice bathrooms, food (Starbucks!! lol), and people spoke English...with an accent!!
We ate at a pub inside the airport, fish and chips :)
At 6pm (on Sunday August 17), they drove us to a motel and guess what? I got to go on a 2 hour night tour of.........LONDON!!!! For REALZ!! :D

Oh. My. Word. It was amazing there aren't words. It feels like a dream now, but I have pictures :). I'll post those later, they're amazing.

So in conclusion....I finally made it home! It took 5 days, 5 airports, 4 planes, and over 100 hours of traveling time, but when my feet touched Oklahoma 'soil' and I saw my friends and family at the end........PRICELESS

be free

~noel~

Symphony of Waves

Heaven......

I know that anything that I can ever imagine times farzillion is nothing compared to what Heaven will actually be like..........................

But I can't help but hope and wonder and wish that the beach will be there somewhere in some shape or form.

The mountains are beautiful, and I have a partiality to rolling wheat covered hills, but there is something about the blue of the sky contrasting with the blue of the ocean. The sound of the waves breaking on the shore, or watching wave after wave after wave come rolling in. The white of the surf, the khaki of the sand, the five different shades of blue in the ocean, perfect blue skies scattered with whimsical white clouds.............there is something about it that soothes my spirit and calms my jumbled brain. The smell of the salt air and whisper of the wind in my hair brings my thoughts into sharp focus, and somehow nothing seems to really matter, nothing of this earth anyways. I think I could stay here forever.....or at least a few more months.

I do not think the people who live here appreciate the beauty around them.

Do they ever see the gulls swooping gracefully over the water, or how the water goes on forever, or the sun seems to float on the horizon and wonder WHO made them? WHERE did it all come from? And HOW does it all work?

I KNOW!!!

My God, THE GOD, made it ALL!!! Each tiny seashell, every grain of sand, every drop of water that composes the symphony of the waves...............and He made it for me to enjoy.

The Bible says that even the rocks cry out and declare that He is God.......

Just some 'beach' thoughts :)
I had so much fun, with my family and just doing nothing. I am so grateful for this vacation, and am sad to see it end. But vacations would not be as fun if they happened all the time.....so back to reality, yet I go back with a smile, ready to see what the next few months will bring. I also go back with a tan, and shopping bags...that makes me happy too!

be free
~noel~

Africa - {Part 3}

Now for the fun part :) or fun-er......because the whole trip was amazing!

Tuesday morning (August 12) we went to a market and shopped, that was a lot of fun! The stuff was really cool, so different, and my favorite part was watching people try to barter. The people who owned the shops were hilarious. They acted like you were personally starving their children if you suggested a lower price.......and some were kind of creepy about it.

Tuesday afternoon we left for our safari (which actually means trip or journey), it was a 2 hour drive to the entrance of the park, and another 2 hours until we reached the lodge. It was fun though, we had all the young people in one van, there was much laughter :).

I'm having a hard time thinking of words to say, there is really no way to do it justice.....maybe pictures will be better than words;

Entrance of the Park....
(I found the skulls very reassuring)

Megan, John and Marcus, and our driver; Juumbo

Giraffe we saw on the way in

Voi Safari Lodge

View from lodge - Watering hole

Baboon (soooo ugly lol)

Elephants

Giraffes.....they were my favorite animal

Leopard (so awesome!)


Zebra

At some point I became bored with 'another zebra'.....so I took pics of the tourists :P

Marcus and David were bored too.....LOL

David, Marcus, Austin, John, Tate, Megan, and I

I had so much fun with these people, they are

awesome! The trip would not have been the same

without them :)

It was a looooong ride home......poor David :P

The Safari was amazing! I felt like I was in some reality video game of Animal Planet......to think that I was right there, watching all of those animals. Once in lifetime experience.

I really meant to finish talking about Africa in this post, but the photos took forever........and there is NOT enough time for me to talk about coming home (NIGHTMARE!) or the insane surprise ending to our trip.

(that called a teaser, ladies and gentlemen, tune in next time.....)

be free

~noel~

lost in the fake reality......

I meant to finish up about Africa before I posted again, but I've been going through some things, and it always makes me feel better to write it down.

These 'things' were brought on by the Truth Project, as has happened before, and have really just shaken my hold on what I thought was real, and what my life (I thought) was all about.

I find it ironic that I am going through this right as I get back from a life changing mission trip. That as I come off the spiritual 'high' that you get whenever you are totally immersed in something so focused on God, I start to lose my focus so quickly. I am really just digested with myself, that I am SO easily distracted by things that don't matter. And even more, the fact that even after I am AWARE of this issue, I continue to be distracted. Time and time again I have to pull my attention back from wherever it was........(who knows really).......and focus on Christ.

I think it all comes down to; Where am I Finding My Significance?
my family?
my friends?
my talents?
all the ministries I'm involved in?
being an example?
mission trips?
quiet time?
relationships?
sports?
stuff? (cell phone, comp, clothes, car, etc)
knowing that I'm right?
music?


Or am I truly looking to Christ Jesus for EVERYTHING?

Honestly? I would have to say no........and even more sad, is I don't know if I have ever truly found everything that I needed in God. I say that I am trusting Him, and that all I have is His. But I'm always working other angles, looking for ways to make myself look better or even having false humility, all for the praise of men. How stupid.

And how must God feel each and every time I do this? It actually physically hurts me to think about this, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Because I know that I can never stop in my own power, that it is not possible for me to find all of my significance in Christ without a miracle. Is a miracle possible? Oh yes, I serve a God of miracles.

You want to know one of the coolest things that I have heard in a long time? (and I've heard this before, but didn't really get it)
God, The God of The Universe, (mountain maker, ocean tamer, star creator, wind breather, you know....GOD), well, He adopted me into His family.............He LIVES in me!!!
(now do I understand this? nope. Do I believe this? Yup. Do I believe that this is really real? I don't know if I can actually comprehend it)
God is 3 persons.....but one. Infinity divided by 3= infinity. Infinity divided by 36 = infinity. How is this possible? I have no idea. But I do understand that this is how God (all of Him) can live inside me, and live inside you, and live inside cousin Bob :) All at the same time. mind blowing.

Read a verse in Ephesians this morning that goes with this so well;
Eph. 1:13 - 14
In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation--having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise,
14 who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God's own possession, to the praise of His glory.

I thought it was pretty cool, that after I listened to the message of truth, accepted Christ, than I was sealed in Him, adopted into His family, with the Holy Spirit, who is given as a pledge of my inheritance, that I am God's own possession..........wow.

Now if I can just keep these Truths in the forefront of my mind, for them to be the what I am thinking about and meditating on. I feel like I have just scratched the surface, and that there is SO MUCH MORE that God wants to show me.

lost in the fake reality...
consumed by the skin of this world....
knowing in my heart what is real, but being deceived is NOT an excuse.....
I know WHO is the way, the Truth, and the life.....

~noel~


numb

my heart is cold
I feel nothing
my mind is numb
there must be something
something more
than just getting through the day
doing what has to be done
struggling with words to say
where is the passion?
the fire?
the bravery and courage?
life seems like just a struggle to get higher
out of an endless nothingness
where is the light?
am I blind?
or will it just always be night?


broken

Lord I want to be broken
spilled out for You
oh God, I want to be broken
my plans and wishes torn in two
please use me now
in ways I can't imagine
and through that
give me a peace that man can't fathom
do anything you want with me
'cause all I want is to BE FREE
give me the strength to trust
when you close and open doors
my heart is broken
and my pride is on the floor