Take a Breath or Two

Do you ever feel like you are going through life at the speed of a rocket? I am sure that everyone does, because I sure do. I feel like life is passing me by so fast that I can't possibly be experiencing it all. SLOW DOWN!!! Seriously, I am the kind of girl who likes to savor things, I like to think about it and anticipate it. I hate the end of things; end of vacation, end of Christmas, end of basketball, end of You Grow, end of another year of life. That one is really depressing, to think that 19 years of my life have already passed, and I can never be any of those ages ever again.

I love Christmas!!! It is my favorite holiday, the only thing that I do not like is how fast it goes by. Do you realize that there is only two and a half weeks left until Christmas, and in less than a month it will be 2009??????? Unreal.

Today I feel like I am taking a deep breath before 'plunging' into the next two weeks. I think we have something going almost everyday, especially on the weekends. Crazy!!

I am also excited too, I like having something to do. Especially when that something is basketball! Even though it kills me every time to see those girls out there, without me. I still love it, and coaching isn't too bad lol. At least I get to yell at people :p.

Well, I hope that SOME people are happy.........and I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season!! Merry Christmas!!!!

be free
~noel~

A few of my favorite things......

~Happy Thanksgiving To All~

Here are some things that that I am thankful for in my life.........

*Jesus Christ

*Family (of course lol)

*Friends (I really do have amazing friends, I cannot imagine any better. Seriously)

*Crisp fall mornings

*Homemade lattes

*Sonic

*Basketball

*Music

*Concerts with friends

*Texas....the state, not the football team ;)

*My own room!!

*The color yellow......it makes me happy

*Christmas music!!!

*Watching football

*My Ugg boots (they are sooooo comfortable)

*Hugs

*Dancing....in my room, don't worry :D

*Songs that express what I am feeling better than words I say

*Shopping....even though I don't have any money

*You Grow

*Steve (my car....don't worry)

*Pedicures

*Baking

be free
~noel~

sound of my breaking heart

How is it that when I feel broken is when I feel God the most. You would think that broken is bad. When something breaks I am sad, sad that it is unusable and that I have lost that thing.
Not so with my heart. When my heart is broken is when I am the most usable. When myself is out of the way and I can hear God's voice.
It is amazing the view from a state of brokenness. A state where I know that I am not all that. It is when I am myself, when I am prideful and selfish, that I get in so much trouble. The choices I make in the things I do and say, are purely self motivated. There is nothing about them that is righteous, or holy.

I had a first last night, and I know that as I get older I will be having more and more of these. For the first time I wanted to go home, my real home. As I sat there listening, with so many thoughts going through my head, I wanted, for the first time, for Jesus to come back. Now I have thought that I would be okay with Jesus coming back for a long time, but have never actually wished it would happen right then. I felt this longing to go to heaven, I did not care about not doing great things with my life, or getting my first kiss, or leading millions to Jesus, or getting married, or going to Europe, or holding my children. I just wanted to go to heaven, where there is no tears, no misunderstandings, no one offending or being offended. Where I could just worship my Lord, and be in eternal fellowship with the people I love.

So........I am still waiting. For something. Anything. I have not had a job for two months, and to be honest it really stinks. I am having a hard time trusting that this is really God's will for me right now. I cannot see how this would fit into any plan for my life. Why am I just sitting here? Surely there is something that I could be doing. But what? People keep asking me what I am doing, and now that I do not have a job it feels like I am loser lol. I don't have anything to say really. I am not just sitting around, I have basketball practice twice a week plus games. I have Character First on Wednesdays, and I also work in the nursery. I have You Grow on Monday nights, and something going on almost every weekend. With the holidays coming up there will be endless get togethers with family and friends. Birthdays.....lots of birthdays. Still, with all this, I can't tell 'those people' anything besides my, "Mooching off my parents and trying to catch a man." I am serious though, there is no way I am going to be forced into doing something that is not God's will just because people think I should be going to college or getting another job. So there! :p

I have a cold........my head feels like it is filled with cotton. I have Character First tomorrow, yippee. My poor kids, (Character First kids lol), I may just let 'Mr. Ben' teach by himself :D.
I am going to take NyQuil, and try to write a few paragraphs. Ciao :)

be free
~noel~

P.S. This is my new favorite song. It is A-mazing! It is by Tenth Avenue North, and I would highly recommend their new CD.

Hold My Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?

I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

Peace

Sorry it has been so long, I really have been incredibly busy. Also, because of this paragraph job, by the time I get done with those I am tired of writing.
Some people have been on me about posting so I am, hope your happy :p

My thoughts have felt all jumbled up lately, which is another reason I have not posted. I usually have been thinking about something and feel like I have something to share. That has not been the case, I feel like I am being pulled a thousand diffent ways. I never think about the same thing twice. I have a hard enough time reading the bible and praying, much less 'being still' and listening for God's voice. I have so much going on, and so many problems I find myself worrying about over and over again. I have been thinking what is peace? Real peace, not just laying down at night and forcing myself to pray and give it all to God.
Does God give me peace? Or does it have something to do with me? Do I just need to accept it, or am I doing something that is preventing me from experienceing peace?
I can feel myself getting frustrated and sad thinking about this. What am I supposed to do? I want to do something. I know that God is with me, I can feel His presence, but I also feel like I have a wall of ice around my heart. That this wall is preventing me from feeling anything at all, I am just numb. Sometimes I think there is something to that whole bipolar thing, I swing from one emotion to the other so fast I am scaring myself.
The weird thing is I think that God is causing me to feel this way on purpose. I am supposed to learn something from this. What is the question. I honestly do not see what it is.
I keep hearing one word;

Trust

Not an easy thing for me, I will be the first to admit that I am a control freak. Not in a super obsessive way, but I definitly like to control the things I do and feel.

Please pray that I will just place everything at the foot of the cross, and remember that I do not have to go through things alone. I also know that God never gives us more then we can handle.

Be Free
~noel~


He is my Light and my Salvation
Whom have I to fear
In His secret place I'll hide and pray
That I might hear a simple word

O, how I would have despaired
If You had not come found me there
I can lean against Your throne and find my Peace
Find my Peace

And when my enemies draw near
I pray that they will find
That I'm protected and secure
All tempests He will bind with a mighty word

O, how I would have despaired
If You had not come found me there
I can lean against Your throne and find my Peace
Find my Peace

He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fear?

Peace by Jennifer Knapp

VOTE

McCain/Palin

Happenings

So, it has been a long time since I have posted........
I have been very busy, which is funny because I don't have a job and I'm not going to school lol. Well, I have a job now. I'm writing these paragraphs for google, and its harder than it sounds, I thought it was going to be super easy but I have really had to put some thought into it. I finished my first set of fifty this afternoon, and it felt really good, I also think it is helping improve my writing skills.

I am helping coach the Liberty girls basketball team and that has been really fun, our first games were last Thursday and Friday. It was really exciting, and frustrating at the same time, I wanted to be out there SO bad!!

I have You Grow every Monday night, and I am really enjoying it. It has helped me grow (lol ;) so much in the even the last few months. And I really like the breakouts, being able to discuss serious things with these girls, it is helping me see things in a new light.

And Character First, I really don't want to think about it right now because this Wednesday we (certain important people) have to be there at stinking 6:30 in the morning!!! I do not care what anyone says, but that is way to early to be somewhere. I'm going to have to get up at like 5 a.m. insane!!!! But I am looking forward to Character First actually starting, besides that :)

So yeah, thats my life right now, really busy but kinda not........whatever that means. I am happy, I like it. I was really depressed there for a while for some reason, but I got over it apparently. Life isn't perfect, but it is never boring and there is always something to look forward to. Peace out ya'll :p and be happy, people will like you more lol.

be free
~noel~

No I cannot count the ways you have made my life so blessed
All I know is that you came and made beauty of my mess

You make me happy
You make me feel the way You do
You make me happy
I want to make you happy too
You make me happy
You make me feel the way I do
You make me happy
I wish the whole world knew you too
-Happy, Ayeisha Woods

Longing for More

First, let me say that I had an amazing time in Texas! Everyone should just get away from it all, every once in a while, I feel like I've been gasping for air for so long, and I just now got a deep breath. I posted pics on Facebook if anyone wants to see.

Here are some things that have been on my mind;

Fulfillment;
1.the act or state of fulfilling: to witness the fulfillment of a dream; to achieve fulfillment of one's hopes.
2.the state or quality of being fulfilled; completion; realization: a vague plan that had no hope of fulfillment.
What does it really mean in this thing called life? What is really important? I am searching for something that doesn't exist. Trying to find my life purpose in a job, or school, or serving other ppl, or my family or friends. When it really doesn't matter, nothing does. Nothing except the fact that You love me, all of me, and that You accept me, every sinful, deceitful, prideful part of me. And even more than that You see me through the blood of Your son; Pure, White, Holy.

I've been reading thought the Gospel's and I think its interesting how the same stories can be told so many different ways........
The story of Jesus feeding the Five Thousand fascinates me, how did He do that? What did it look like? Could you actually see the bread rising in the basket? And the fish, were they the first clones? or did he actually create a whole new fish? With different DNA and everything?
What also amazes me is that in the very next chapter Jesus feeds four thousand, and when He tells the disciples to feed them they have the exact same response!! 'How are we going to find enough food to feed all these people?' I always feel like slapping them over the head, duh! Jesus JUST fed five thousand people, you would think that they would have just looked at Jesus and been like, 'Okay, here is the seven loaves...we'll just go over here and wait.' But no, they went into a panic, again.
And just paragraphs later they're in the boat and Jesus says watch out for the leaven of the Pharisees, and the disciples start freaking out saying that they forgot bread blah blah blah. Hello? Don't you think that if His own followers were hungry Jesus would feed them? I love how Jesus like gets mad, I wish I could think of things to say like that, 'Having eyes do you not see? And having ears do you not hear? Do you not understand?' Wow, I would have liked to see the disciples expressions after that lol.
But as I was thinking about that, I realized that the disciples were doubting. And doubting is the same thing as worrying about something. I once heard someone say that every time you worry its like telling God that He is not doing a good job with your life, and that you could do better.
How retarded is that? Me, telling the maker of the universe that He is doing a sucky job. I'm the idiot, I worry all the time; 'What is going to happen with this? and maybe I should do that, and I need to take care of that.' On and on, I prolly worry, on average, at least every hour.
So, I'm going to work on being content, and finding my purpose in Jesus Christ, not in the things that this world thinks are worthwhile. Pray for me.

be free
~noel~

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough
-Let that be Enough, Switchfoot